Valentine's Day is coming.

What do you do about a Valentine Treat this year?  It can be quite a decision.  What does she really want? Can I make him happy this year? What gift will delight her? What gift will avoid disappointments?  Tension can arise both before the special day, as well as on Valentine’s Day if expectations – especially those not expressed out loud – are not met.

Finding the best gift for Valentine’s Day can be an elusive task.

“The Office,” a old but still popular TV show that focuses on relationships, has a hilarious Feb. 14th episode where Phyllis gets everything she wants and more, including a six-foot teddy bear, while Pam sits stewing over the lack of even one gift from her boyfriend. Sure, most people like a nice gift, but what makes us really happy? Does giving a spectacular surprise on Valentine’s Day really ensure happiness for you and your partner? 

 Believe it or not, people do study such things and the findings might not be popular at the confectionery or florist. In their April 2010 article “Eavesdropping on Happiness,” researchers at the University of Arizona  found that one of the best gifts you can give is free.  Uh huh, free.

What the researchers found is a link between happiness and spending time in deep conversation. Put simply, the researchers found that people who spend more time with others and more time in deep conversations have happier lives.  

The happiest participants had one third less small talk and twice as many substantive conversations. They indulged in deep conversation, not just chitchat consisting of phrases like “What’s for dinner tonight?” or “Are you going to pick up the kids, or is it my turn?”

They shared richer, more meaningful information. You might compare it to a diet of humdrum snacks versus a diet that includes tantalizing gourmet food. Which sounds better to you? The researchers concluded that
“people find their lives more worth living when examined
​—at least when examined together.”

So, back to Valentine’s Day. I’ve never seen this on a top ten list of best Valentine’s gifts to give, but wouldn’t it be sweet to give “Talk Coupons” for enticing talks together?

If this sounds too foreign for you or your partner’s taste, blend such a gift into a Valentine’s Dinner by including a few enriching questions while you’re having that special dinner. (Be ready for your partner to be surprised if your usual talk is primarily of the “lite” sort!) And then do it again next week, and the week after – you get the picture. 

It seems to be built into us to want to connect deeply with others. This does take work, though.  Work we often don’t prioritize.  It’s far too easy to get into daily patterns that leave little space for this. Juggling jobs, schedules and family is demanding. But don’t we all want to be happy? And don’t we want to have happy partners and families?  

So, try moving your conversation style up from snack level
to gourmet!

Make it a habit, just like other things that become part of your regular routine.

Here are a few conversation appetizers to get you started: 

• If we could get out of winter and go someplace fun, where would it be?
• What things are important to you in creating a romantic evening?
• What things in life give you the most joy?
• What is the best way for me to encourage you?
• When do you feel the most loved?

Talk together more.
Talk together deeply.
Talk together often.

Try it, and then let me know -- what do you think?
Is it better than chocolate?

V.
Value.  You chose the person you are with for good reasons.  Consider how valuable your Valentine is to you.  Do you watch the stock market each day to check your investment values?  Don’t let a day go by without telling or showing your Valentine that you value him/her.  Keep the bigger picture of value in mind when you are upset over small things.  And remember, relationships are investments that grow in value as they mature.

A.
Appreciate and Apologize.  These two words make a nice relationship “handshake” of sorts.  Find ways look for the positive.  It is easy to get caught up in life’s daily distractions that annoy us, including things our partner might do (or not do).  Stay positive and be grateful for the things that are good in your relationship. Apologize when you do something that hurts or bothers your partner.  Do it right away, even if you are also feeling hurt yourself.   Every couple has some areas that are stronger than others.  Appreciating and apologizing go a long way in keeping relationships strong and healthy.

L. 
Love.  Love is a verb, as well as a noun.  Keeping love alive in your relationship means action.  Find ways, large and small, in which to show and grow your love each day.  Investigate what your partner likes.  It may be different than what you like.  Be faithful in loving.

E.
Evaluate.  That’s right, take time now and then to evaluate together how things are going in your relationship.  Address areas that need improvements, celebrate progress made.  Hint:  plan the evaluation for a time that is going well, don’t do it during the midst of an argument.

N.
Notice.  Couples that are together for a while can get so used to each other, they lose track of the romance of noticing.  Greet each other warmly upon arriving and before leaving.  Take time to look, really look, into each other’s eyes and smile.  Notice the positive things about your partner and keep quiet about as many of the negative things as you can.  We are all human and have both strengths and weaknesses that show up in relationships.  It will do wonders for your romantic life.

T.
Thank.  Find something to thank your partner for each day.  It can be the everyday things, like, "Thank you for following the sanitation schedule and taking out the garbage and recyclables!”  Or, it can be a character thank you, like, “Thank you for showing your thoughtfulness by giving me space to unwind when you know I had a hard day.”  People appreciate being thanked.  When you focus on what you are thankful for, you focus less on what you might be critical about.

I.
Invigorate.  Now and then, find a way to energize and invigorate your relationship in ways different than your usual routine.  Do something special.  Go somewhere different.  Plan something big or creative.  Write a love note.  Craft a surprise.  It doesn’t have to be expensive.  In fact, often the low cost things that require time and effort are most appreciated and remembered.  Get to know your partner and let him/her get to know you in deeper ways.

N.
Neck.   At least, that’s what my parents used to call huggin’ n kissin’!  Connecting in physical and sexual ways brings enjoyment and renewal.   Take regular time to be together in intimate ways.  Prioritize couple time in your schedule, even if  (actually, especially if) you have small children.   And, here’s a simple tip for each day:   Do you give your partner a quick goodbye or hello kiss when coming home or going out the door?  Add a few lingering seconds to those kisses.  It’s a simple sweet thing that says, “I love you.  You are important to me.”

E.
Enjoy.  You know those shirts with the slogan, Life is good?  Most of the people I see wearing them are also wearing smiles.  Having a close relationship with someone is a beautiful thing.  It is precious.  If you are in a committed relationship-enjoy and treasure it!
​

I've got an idea for an experiment and maybe you can be one of my guinea pigs...I look for articles to share each month, as part of my work as Mental Health Consultant for the Nursery School in my building.  Yesterday I read an great one on how to connect with your toddler during tough times.  

​One of the suggestions in the article was to:
-Hug
-Breathe together
-Sync your breathing to each other
-Take three breathes together
-Feel the connect
-Feel the calm

I want to experiment with this and see how it goes for not just parents and little ones, but couples!  And parents with older kids too!  Maybe even friends who aren't getting along and are open to trying a very different form of conflict resolution?  I've heard of (and promote) the six second hug, but this has a little different twist.  

Our breathe is always part of us, always available, and very powerful, as well as under-used as a calming tool. This idea adds connecting and maybe even healing to the calming.  

So, if this sounds like just the right kind of helpful "trick" to try and not too weird, try it out!  I think it will work, even when there is no conflict or tension between the huggers. 

And let me know how it works for you and yours!  I'm going to try it myself tonight--I won't wait for a conflict to try it.

​

Last week I got to be on a Training Panel to help graduate students (and others interested) learn more about what it is like to be a Marriage and Family Therapist in Private Practice.  It was great!  
I really enjoyed passing on information to the students.  It was good as a Professional, to share and mentor some students who, in a few years, will be doing what I do.
I think of it as remembering the bigger picture, beyond ourselves and our own interests.  Sure, we need to take care of ourselves, but how about bumping that out and going a generation up?  Or going beyond our local community cares and bumping that out to caring and being involved in state, national, and world concerns too?  It's good to be involved and caring about the bigger pictures in our lives.  
​Pass It On.

I don't know about you, but I am already thinking of Spring and checking how many weeks I have to wait yet to start seeing those tender bright green shoots of crocus pushing up from the recently frozen earth.
Waiting is hard.  Especially on bitterly cold Winter days when the weather reporters warn you to not even risk going outside if you don't have to.

For me, I have several plans I put in place to get through Winter.  It helps me to have a "plan of attack" against the winter blues.  Here's a few of the things that have helped me in the past and still do...

Get outside anyways.  Especially on sunny days.  Even just parking a little farther away from the store when running errands gives you more time in the sunshine.  Bundle up at least once a week and take a nature walk outside (again, go for those sunny days!).  Notice the blue sky and white fluffy clouds.  Find a tree and see if you can see any tight buds starting to expand.  Feel the cold in your lungs and remember what a really humid summer day is like too.  

Eat well on a steady basis.  Drink lots of water.  Go ahead and have treats on occasion, but mostly eat low processed, nutritious foods.

If you can afford it, take a trip someplace warm every few years in January or February.  If you can't, go to one of the lovely botanical gardens or zoos with indoor displays and drink in the feeling of warmth "outside."  Pretend for awhile you are in a different climate.

Stay connected.  With friends.  With family.  Parents, plan some "play dates" for yourself as well as your kids.

Tap into your creative juices and do something that is relaxing and creative.  Think knitting, scrap booking, painting, even playing with playdoh! Kids love this stuff, and even though adults often stop being very creative with materials, it's good for us.  Really good for us and has a ton of mental health and stress relief benefits.  Even better, find a friend or class and do something creative together.  

Settle in to some quieter routines and relax.  Make them family times if you can.  Fireplaces, candles, conversation, games, cozy contentment stuff.  All the "hygge" stuff that the Danes are so good at can be done here in our homes too!  That means get off your phones and devices.  Really.  We live fast paced, competitive and media focused lives.  Shake it up and do it different at least once a week!  

Try some or all--and have a good Winter!
​

HOOYAH!
Do you hear it?!  About an hour ago the jubilant announcement came—Everyone is safely rescued from the Tham Luang Nang Non cave in Thailand.  Hooyah!  The jubilant cry of the Thai Navy is being heard around the world.  Thai navy SEALs posted this, “We are not sure if this is a miracle, a science, or what.  All the thirteen Wild Boars are now out of the cave.”  It was an extraordinary rescue. 
And now we can all exhale.  Collectively.  Together.  With one mind and spirit.  In celebration.  Hooyah!
What an ordeal it’s been for the boys and their coach.  And the families waiting. I’m ever so grateful all are safe.  Grateful too for Saman Kunan, who gave his life in the rescue effort, and the host of international divers and personnel who worked together in tight teams to make the rescue a success.  Well done.
Now that I can let that tight place I’d been holding in my mind and heart relax, I feel released in some small way.  You too, perhaps?  I think we all were joined to the boys, stuck, if you will, while we waited.  And waited.  It’s been a long 18 days.
The US has a lot of divisiveness, the world does too.  Despite all this, we really came together.  We joined together in hope, in prayers, and caring.  BIG TIME.  12 kids and a coach in trouble brought that out in us.  Around the whole world.  That, to me, is part of the amazing of this rescue. 
I wonder, when we get used to exhaling again, we can remember how we came together.  I wonder if we can keep our hearts (and minds) open to care about others who are hurting, in trouble, in need.  And work together, in our neighborhoods, in our country, in our world to care in similarly intense and productive ways.  Not just when monsoons threaten, but steady.  As a mindset, a stance, a value.
Hooyah!  Please, let’s try.
 
 

I think this is a great summary of important things to know when you start couple therapy.  Written by Dr. Nari Jeter.

​http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-nari-jeter/5-things-to-know-about-marital-therapy_b_9517236.html

5 Things to Know About Marital Therapy

It is common for couples to seek marital therapy when they are distressed, and perhaps, even contemplating divorce. When it feels like your marriage is “on the line,” the last thing you want to stress about is finding a marital therapist or what will happen in therapy. Here are five things to know about martial therapy that may help you ease into the process of working on your marriage with a professional.
1. Seek help from a therapist who makes you feel comfortable, and if possible, who is specialized. Finding the right “fit” with a therapist is essential, as the couple needs to feel at ease with the therapist. It is critical that couples who want to work specifically on their marriage see a mental health professional trained in addressing relationship issues. When couples seek therapy with a professional who is not properly trained or specialized in addressing marital issues, it may do more harm than good. Some signs that your therapist is qualified are that he/she has a degree in marriage/couple/family therapy, or is a mental health professional with special training/certifications in marital counseling, such as Gottman-based therapy, a PREP, Inc. certification, a PAIRS certification, or training in Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT). When in doubt, ask the therapist about his/her training and experience; you deserve to know with whom you will be investing your time, money, and relationship.
2. Marital therapists want to be fair and balanced. An experienced and well-trained marital therapist will not take sides, even though you may really want them to. Taking sides in marital therapy is detrimental for a few reasons. First, the therapist’s primary focus is enhancing the relationship. By taking sides, the therapist is splitting the relationship to “person A vs. person B.” The marital therapist should emphasize that, “We are all on the same team.” Second, by taking sides, the marital therapist may be reinforcing an existing dynamic of blaming in the relationship. Although the therapist may at times validate one person’s viewpoints, he/she should be making an effort to balance this for both individuals. Lastly, a therapist taking sides may discourage one partner from wanting to come to therapy. It is most ideal forboth partners to be at the sessions and be willing to work on the couple’s issues.
3. The marital therapist will not try to change your partner.Therapists know that they cannot make someone change; individuals must want to change themselves. Furthermore, telling people they have to change translates into something being “wrong” with them. Individuals who feel like they are being “picked on” will not want to come to therapy. Furthermore, effective marital therapists do not see marital problems as the result of one person’s shortcomings or mistakes. Their view is, “Something in the way the couple interacts is not working for them. How can we get the couple to change that problem dynamic?” Simply put, the problem is not you or your partner; it is the way you and your partner interact. A marital therapist is invested in getting both individuals to find healthier ways at handling conflict, overcoming differences, and ultimately, seeing the relationship as more important than themselves.
4. It will take time and money. Working on marital issues takes time, as it is likely that the couple’s ineffective relationship patterns have been established over time. Change will not occur overnight. Therefore, it is important to be motivated in therapy, but also have patience in the process. Consequently, there may be a considerable financial investment for marital therapy. Even if a couple attends therapy for one time per week for an entire year, at $150 per session, that’s a total of $7800. If you compare the cost of therapy to the financial cost of the alternative (say, divorce), we know that the legal fees for a divorce often surpass that estimate. Furthermore, it is difficult to put a dollar amount on the psychological and emotional turmoil that many couples, children, and families face after a divorce. Consider the money spent as an investment in one of the most important relationships of your lives.
5. Seek help before there is a crisis. If you are having struggles or find yourself “spinning your wheels” with marital issues, therapy can be very helpful. If you are the individual bringing up the idea of therapy, try doing it from a positive perspective, such as, “We have been having some struggles lately, and I just want us to get some help so we can get these issues resolved.” That may be received better than, “If you don’t go to therapy with me, I am leaving you.” However, if you are in crisis, don’t be ashamed to reach out to a therapist. Marital therapists are passionate about encouraging and healing relationships.