Planning a wedding? There's a hardly talked about, but great investment brides and grooms can make. Even the future King of England knows about it.
Published on Scarsdale Patch
http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-wedding-alert

Are you going to watch the wedding this Friday?  One estimate says 2 billion people worldwide  will be looking on as the royal couple walks down the aisle.  Whether you are interested or not, the media has gone all out to cover these nuptials.  There’s great hope attached to Prince William and Kate Middleton’s upcoming marriage.  They do seem like a charming couple.  We want them to be happy.  We want them to get along.  We want them to stay married. 

A worrisome edge is there, of course.  When Princess Diana and Charles married 30 years ago, the pre-wedding emotion was one of hopefulness too.  We know, in hindsight, how quickly that hope was dashed.   Will it be different for Wills and Kate? 

I read that William and Kate already had marriage counseling.  You can find that out too if you google it, although the fact is buried under layers of popular media details like:  Why isn’t William going to wear a ring?  What will Kate’s dress be like?  Will Elton John sing at the ceremony?

Say what?  Marriage counseling before you get married?  I know, most people think the order goes like this:  love, wedding, marriage troubles and then marriage counseling.

And, frankly, that is the most common order.  Most people who seek marriage counseling call a therapist well after the wedding and well into marital troubles.  Counseling at this point can still be a powerful force in saving a marriage.  But, when the order is reversed, and there is (premarital) counseling prior to the wedding, a couple’s odds of having a successful marriage are increased. Researcher Scott Stanley found a 31% lower rate of divorce among couples who had counseling before they got married.  That’s an impressive statistic.   

A lot of couples besides William and Kate are planning a wedding this year.   Weddings are a big deal.  But marriage is the bigger deal.  Sometimes we act like the wedding is what it is all about, when, in reality, it is simply one day, albeit a very special one.   

 Premarital counseling can be the best investment a couple makes.   Its effects are much longer lasting than lovely flowers, cake and dresses.  The Mayo Clinic promotes premarital counseling in this way:

Keep in mind that you bring your own values, opinions and personal history into a relationship, and they may not always match your partner's. In addition, many people go into marriage believing it will fulfill their social, financial, sexual and emotional needs — and that's not always the case. By discussing differences and expectations before marriage, you and your partner can better understand and support each other during marriage. Early intervention is important because the risk of divorce is highest early in marriage.

Premarital counseling is about preparing for the marriage, not just the wedding.  This type of specialized counseling works to enrich your relationship and prevent problems down the road.  What does it usually include?

• An assessment inventory of your strengths and compatibility
• Conflict resolution skill building
• Family of origin and personality style discovery
• Skill building in the areas of intimacy, sexuality, and communication
• Exploration of each other’s beliefs, values, and hopes
• Consideration of finances, roles, and social/family expectations

William and Kate went to Dr. Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, and Dr. Richard Chartres, Bishop of London, for their premarital counseling.  Both Chartres and Williams are experienced premarital advisers and in long term marriages themselves.  In addition to members of clergy, couples can seek premarital work from therapists and educators, such as marriage and family therapists, who are uniquely trained to do couple enrichment.

Dr. Williams, who will officiate at the royal wedding, says:

Every marriage is a really big commitment for the people involved.  It’s a life-time commitment.  It’s a commitment that says that, actually, I’m not only prepared to spend the rest of my life with you, but to spend the rest of my life finding out about you.  There’s always going to be more of you to discover.  And if that’s what people are saying to each other in a wedding, that says something very deeply important about what human beings are like.  There’s a mystery, a delight at the heart of human beings, and it’s possible to spend a lifetime and more exploring just that…A marriage is good news because it says something so deep about our humanity.  And it tells us that we can have grounds for hope:  that there are still people around who want to spend their lives with each other, who want to make this great act of generous commitment to one another.  And so, everybody around the world will have some sense of the commitments that are possible. 

Lambeth Palace put out a video of this well-spoken priest talking about the royal wedding and marriage.  Find it here-- http://www.archbishopofcanterbury.org/

So, bravo, William and Kate, for showing us that preparation for marriage, not just the wedding, is important too. 

Published on Scarsdale Patch  http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-wheres-the-onoff-switch-for-feelings
 
Remember this old children’s song?  Barney sang it often on television.

“If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands
If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.”

Barney sang a lot of songs about positive feelings and attitudes.  The thing about Barney was, his focus was pretty one sided.  To Barney life was always happy.  Problem is,  we aren’t always happy.  What are we supposed to do when we are:

·       Sad and we know it?

·       Angry and we know it?

·       Upset and we know it?

·       Worried and we know it?

Do you ever wish your feelings came with an on/off switch?  I know I do.

Imagine how that would be if:  
You find out you’ve lost your job, start feeling depressed, and, click -- turn off the negative feelings and enjoy a great evening with your family.  

You get hurt by criticism from a friend, start feeling upset, and, click – turn off the hurt feelings and move right into planning your next get-together. 

You and your partner get into a fight, you become angry, and, click -- turn off the anger and it’s like it never happened.

Which feelings would you click off most often?  Which feelings would you want to keep turned on?

I think I can guess.   And so can you.

Positive feelings, like joy, happiness, delight, pleasure would get the ON switch.

Negative feelings like sadness, fear, bitterness, insecurity would get the OFF switch.

But wouldn’t that leave us rather one sided as people?  It would be like living in a Disney World happy bubble all the time.  Happy bubble places are fun to visit for Spring Break, but they aren’t real life. 

We all know that life includes both positive and negative feelings.  Rather than focusing on an on/off switch, it is more important to learn to handle the feelings we’d prefer not to have.  Learning this leads to resilience to bounce back from tough times.  When we have resilience, we can cope with times that make us sad, afraid, or worried.  We know we will bounce back.  Joy and pleasure lie ahead.  When we have this kind of emotional health, we recognize our feelings, have control over what we do with them, and cope when the going gets tough.  This is easier said than done, of course.

To get a better handle on feelings (much better than an on/off switch, really) here’s 10 suggestions from the American Psychological Association on how to build resilience to better handle life’s wild mix of feelings.  I think they’re pretty good.

• Make connections. Good relationships with close family members, friends, or others are important.
• Avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems.  You can't change the fact that highly stressful events happen, but you can change how you interpret and respond to these events.
• Accept that change is a part of living.  Certain goals may no longer be attainable as a result of adverse situations.  Accepting circumstances that cannot be changed can help you focus on circumstances that you can alter.
• Move toward your goals.  Develop some realistic goals.  Do something regularly -- even if it seems like a small accomplishment -- that enables you to move toward your goals.
• Take decisive actions.  Act on adverse situations as much as you can. Take decisive actions, rather than detaching completely from problems and stresses and wishing they would just go away.
• Look for opportunities for self-discovery.  People often learn something about themselves and may find that they have grown in some respect as a result of their struggle with loss.
• Nurture a positive view of yourself.  Developing confidence in your ability to solve problems and trusting your instincts helps build resilience.
• Keep things in perspective.  Even when facing very painful events, try to consider the stressful situation in a broader context and keep a long-term perspective. Avoid blowing the event out of proportion.
• Maintain a hopeful outlook.  An optimistic outlook enables you to expect that good things will happen in your life.  Try visualizing what you want, rather than worrying about what you fear.
• Take care of yourself.  Pay attention to your own needs and feelings. Engage in activities that you enjoy and find relaxing.  Exercise regularly. Taking care of yourself helps to keep your mind and body primed to deal with situations that require resilience.
• Additional ways of strengthening resilience may be helpful.  For example, some people write about their deepest thoughts and feelings related to trauma or other stressful events in their life.  Meditation and spiritual practices help some people build connections and restore hope.

Published on Scarsdale Patch: http://patch.com/A-g95B

Signs of spring are transforming our landscape.
How can we bring new color to our lives?

Does your sweetheart ask you what you want for your birthday?  I love the answer 80-year-old Joanna Semel Rose gave her husband this year.  Mrs. Rose, art collector, well known philanthropist, and former chairperson of the Partisan Review, admitted she had a “wild idea” for her birthday gift.   She wanted to see all of her red and white quilts at the same time, and invite everyone in the New York City area to see them too, as her guests.  Isn’t that an interesting tango--a gift for the birthday girl as well as from her?

Turns out, Joanna Rose has 651 of these red and white quilts!   Thinc Design and the American Folk Art Museum, turned Joanna’s wild idea into a phenomenal exhibition at the Park Avenue Armory.  Check it out here:  http://www.folkartmuseum.org/infinitevariety.

Have you had any wild ideas lately?  Something unlikely, abit out there, something out of the box?  Wild ideas usually take us out of our comfort zone.  That can be scary.  Most of us like what is familiar.  Familiar means easy.  Routine.  Convenient, especially when our lives are so busy.  We are creatures of habit.

But, there can be such a thing as too much routine.  Sometimes our comfort zones turn into stuck places or potholes.  We might stay in an unhealthy job or bad relationship, just because it is familiar.  We might keep a troublesome habit going.   We might repeat patterns in a relationship over and over (like nagging or complaining) even though it is destructive. 

Maybe you are in one of those potholes of life, and want to get out of the rut.  We can create change in life.  This is change we plan, not just react to.

Why initiate change?  Why consider stepping into a wild idea now and then?  Because change produces growth.  And growth in our lives is a great thing.  Growth can enhance our relationships and sense of who we are. Benjamin Franklin described change this way, “Without continual growth and progress, such words as improvement, achievement, and success have no meaning.”  

Experiencing positive change is like watching tight bud unfold into a lovely blossom. Growth can make our lives more satisfying and beautiful.  No matter how old we are, we can still grow.  Even small change over time can make a dramatic difference.   In fact, as a therapist, I often counsel people to work on making small changes that they can keep in place rather than tackling a huge change that is overwhelming. 

We can make positive change in many areas:

·        Relationships

·        Motivation

·        Perception and attitudes

·        Habits

·        Goals and plans

A little aside is in order:  when I suggest acting on a wild idea, I’m not talking about doing something destructive to yourself or to your family.  If speeding 100 miles an hour, stepping out on your spouse or spending beyond your means comes to mind, well, let your thinking shift to another direction.  Joanna Rose’s wild idea was something that pleased her and benefited others.  Go in a positive direction, okay?

Change brings us to new places.  The unknown is scary.  Stepping outside our comfort zones creates tension.  We often fear loss when we consider change.  Even when we start to change, we often feel like we should change back.  Others might want us to change back so things can be the same again.  Being aware of this tension helps you get past it rather than stuck in it.  Expect a mix of feelings.  Line up support when you make a significant change.  Keep the big picture in mind to help you get through each step in the process.

Oh, and, Happy 80th, Joanna!  Thanks for your wild idea!

Published on Scarsdale Patch
http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-the-power-of-caring


This week I’m compelled to write about suicide.  More specifically, I want to stand up and say that we can prevent suicide.  We exist in networks with other people.  Our family, neighborhood, village, workplace, faith community and school are places where we interact with others.  Ideally, our networks are places for us to know, care, and help each other.  They are places to find community.  But that doesn’t always happen.

We might work with someone every day but be like strangers.

We might pass someone in the hall and say "heh," but have no idea how that person is feeling.

That person might be considering suicide.  We might not even notice.

Many people have thoughts of suicide when they are hurting deeply.  Most people who consider suicide find a way to go on with their life, often by receiving the support of family, friends, and professionals.  Some people in crisis do not find a way to go on.  The thoughts of suicide don’t go away.  A tragic ending is the result.  Usually people in this situation do not want to end their lives-- they want to end their pain.  They view suicide as a way to solve the problem of their pain.

I have talked with many people considering suicide in my work as a mental health professional.  Some were younger than age 10.  Some were older than age 60.  They were men, women, teens and children.   I’ve known educated, intelligent, capable and strong people, who had thoughts of ending their lives.  Yes, you read that last line correctly.  Anyone can have a time of extreme crisis in their life when thought processes are not operating in healthy ways and suicide is considered.  Feelings of isolation are common among those at risk of suicide.  In times of crisis, a caring and supportive person can make the difference between life and death.  You might be that person for someone.
·        In the United States, suicide rates go up in the spring.
·        Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death in young people ages 15-24.
·        Suicide is the 4th leading cause of death in people ages 18-65.
·        Suicide is the 5th leading cause of death in children ages 5-14.
·        Every 15 minutes someone dies by suicide in the United States

When someone dies by suicide, the pain for surviving family and friends is heart wrenching.  In addition to grief, it can include puzzlement, anger, and intense times of wondering what if.  People often blame themselves for not doing more while the person was alive.  They might even wrongly take responsibility for the death.  The sad fact is, we cannot bring someone who is dead back to life.  The hopeful fact is, we can work together to prevent suicide of someone else.  This is something we can do.  Let’s make prevention a priority in our communities.

So, how do we focus on prevention of suicide?  Here are three things we can all start on:

First:  Know the warning signs

Some people are really good at hiding the fact that they are considering suicide.  But in many, if not most situations, there are warning signs that indicate a person is in crisis.  They include:

·        Feeling hopeless, desperate, or trapped (can’t see a way out, can’t  imagine life getting better)

·        Talking about suicide or threatening to hurt self

·        Withdrawing from friends, family and usual activities

·        High risk behavior or extreme recklessness

·        Marked change in mood

·        Extreme depression

·        Purposelessness (can’t see a reason to keep living or expressing a wish to die)

·        Increased substance use or change in substance used

·        Can’t sleep, eat, work, or play

·        Can’t get control or make the pain go away

·        Uncontrolled anger or revenge

·        Restlessness, anxiety, or extreme agitation

·        Can’t think clearly or can’t make decisions

·        Making a plan (can include getting the means to die, such as pills or gun as well as giving away special possessions)

Second:  Connect and listen

If you see these warning signs, speak up and talk to the person!  Do it even if it feels uncomfortable or strange.  Connect and listen.  Ways to start this type of conversation include saying: “I’ve noticed some differences in you lately.  How are things going?  How’ve you been feeling?”  Or, “How are you doing?  You don’t seem quite like yourself.  Can we grab a cup of coffee/soda together and talk?”

People often think asking someone if they are feeling suicidal or having thoughts of hurting themselves will give them the idea and make it worse.  This is not true.  You can’t make someone feel suicidal by asking.  Asking shows you care.  It can make a person feel less alone and less hopeless.  The person might feel a big sense of relief to talk about it with someone else.  Many people who had suicidal thoughts have said talking with someone stopped them from a suicide attempt.  A caring human exchange has great power.

It can be awkward to ask, but it can save a life.  Ask gently, but ask clearly with words such as, “Are you feeling so badly that you have thoughts about hurting yourself?”  If the answer is “no”, great.   If the answer is “yes”, professional help is needed.  Continue your connection and listening.  Don’t leave the person alone.  Take the situation seriously.  Don’t promise to keep things secret.  (Note: this is especially important for teenagers to be aware of.)  A life is at stake.  Get help immediately from a trained professional who knows how to continue evaluating the risk and take the needed steps to keep a suicidal people safe. 

Third:  Know how to get help

Call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room if the crisis is acute.

Call a suicide hotline, like 1-800-273-TALK to connect immediately to a trained specialist at a local crisis center.  Hotlines are for people considering suicide or people concerned about someone else.  The call is confidential and free.  Why not put 1-800-273-TALK into your phone contact list after you are done reading this article and forward this article to others?   It might save a life.

 Let’s work together to excel as a community that cares.

If you’d like to read further on suicide prevention, or find a mental health professional, online resources include:

http://www.afsp.org  The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org  National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

http://www.therapistlocator.net  or http://www.therapists.psychologytoday.com to find a qualified mental health professional in your area.

 http://www.whatadifference.samhsa.gov  for people dealing with mental illness and their friends