Category: Communication

How to be Crankier

3/23/2015

I'm a big advocate of putting the cell phone away when you are with those you love and care about. Cell phones are great--and important these days, but can get in the way of things we really want in our lives. Things like

good connecting with our kids and partners
quality time together
feeling special to someone
showing others you love them

The reality is we show and grow these things most of all by our behavior--what we DO. It's what we DO that matters as much, and oftentimes more, far more, than what we SAY.

Research from Boston Medical Center came out this month and shows that, not only are we missing time and connection opportunities when we are on our phones, our attitudes are impacted in negative ways! Basically, the study showed that parents become irritable and crankier with their kids when using a cell phone. The "distracting allure" of the phone takes over and makes you crankier when interrupted by your child. That's a wake up call!

If that's true for parents and children, how about partners and spouses
The article is here:

http://time.com/14953/parents-who-use-smartphones-in-front-of-their-kids-are-crankier/?xid=fbshare

I'm really glad I read it. It's made me think--and work to change some of my cell phone habits when I'm with those I love and care about most. You might want to read and share it too!

FAMILY TIME. SCREEN TIME. GREAT ARTICLE.

10/29/2013

I think this is a must read for everyone!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/04/ways-screens-are-ruining-your-familys-life_n_3860927.html8 Ways Screens Are Ruining Your Family's LifePosted: 09/04/2013 8:09 am EDT | Updated: 09/05/2013 4:27 pm EDT

The link is above, the article is below:

For her new book, The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and FamilyRelationships in the Digital Age, Catherine Steiner-Adair EdD -- a clinical instructor in the department of psychiatry at Harvard, a school consultant, and a therapist in private practice -- interviewed more than one thousand children between the ages of 4 and 18 to find out how technology was impacting their relationships and their social and emotional lives. What Steiner-Adair discovered was neither surprising, nor comforting: Technology is becoming a kind of “co-parent;” too much screen time is impeding childhood development; and parents’ obsession with their devices is harming communication with their children and even fracturing families.

Just in time for back to school, The Huffington Post asked Steiner-Adair to tell us the eight essential things parents with children of all ages need to know about screens.

1. Don’t put your baby in front of a screen. Ever.

If you’re not convinced by the recommendation of the American Academy of Pediatrics, then consider this: “We don’t know yet the chemical interaction between asmartphone and a baby’s brain," says Steiner-Adair. One 2010 Danish study of 28,000 children found that exposure to cell phones before and after birth seemed to lead to an increased risk for behavioral problems. Beyond that, one of the most important skills a baby needs to learn, Steiner-Adair says, is how to calm herself down. “If you hand [a young child] a screen of any kind when they’re frustrated, you’re teaching them how not to self-soothe,” she says. “You’re handing them a stimulant. Your baby’s brain is brilliant and what it needs is good stimulation and soothing from you. You are the best app for your child.”

2. And think hard about putting your toddler in front of one, too.

“A child only has from 0-5 to develop neurologically what we call the sensorium -- that’s the part of the brain where pre-literacy, kinesthetic movement, and language development happens,” says Steiner-Adair. This kind of brain development takes place through outdoor play, building, dancing, skipping, coloring -- all activities involving multi-sensory engagement. This kind of healthy engagement is basically the opposite of passively swiping a finger across a screen, says Steiner-Adair. While she acknowledges that decent games and apps exist -- Steiner-Adair directs parents toCommon Sense Media’s website for recommendations -- she insists that replacing play “IRL” with play on a screen is not what children this age need.

3. Teachers can tell if your child is getting too much screen time.

Educators interviewed for Steiner-Adair’s book said that kids who spend too much time in front of screens play differently -- and less creatively -- than other children. Those who act out “Mario Brothers” or “Angry Birds” in the school yard aren’t tapping into their capacity to create their own narratives, says Steiner-Adair. “Instead of saying ‘look how high I can go’ when they’re on the swings, they say ‘look, I got to the next level!’” she says. Teachers also told the author that students who play a lot of video games don’t seem to have as much patience to sit still in the classroom, especially when they are being read to. “The capacity for attention doesn’t develop as well when kids are used to interacting with a screen that’s instantly gratifying, instantly stimulating, and provides them what the answers for the next level,” says Steiner-Adair.

4. Your kids hate your screens.

Steiner-Adair says that what came up again and again during her interviews with hundreds of kids was how frustrated, sad and angry they were about having to compete with screens for their parents’ attention. “Children hate it when their parents pick them up and are on their phones and don’t even turn to say, ‘Hi honey, how was your day?’ Instead they’re giving them the shhh one minute signal which basically says ‘you’re not as important to me as whoever this other person on the phone is.’ Car rides to and from school as well as dinner, bath and reading time -- parents should be present and phone-free for all of these daily rituals, she says. “Kids do not need our undivided attention all day long, but they do in those real-life moments of talking and reading and doing the hard work of parenting -- dealing with meltdowns, teaching them how to pick up their clothes.” The bottom line: If you think your kids don’t notice that you’re distracted, you’re deluding yourself. One of Steiner-Adair’s subjects told her, “I miss the olden days when families were more important.”

5. Just because we can be connected to work 24/7 doesn’t mean we shouldbe.

Many parents argue that part of why they’re plugged in during family time is because they feel they have to be available to their employers. “You either sacrifice being a good mother or father and the very limited time you have to raise your children -- or you sacrifice and risk your job to support your ability to live,” says Steiner-Adair. “This is not healthy for anybody and it’s a no-win choice.” Being constantly on call or being afraid of missing something if you don’t check your work email means you’re preoccupied and stressed when you should be enjoying your family. Steiner-Adair says that if the modern workplace is ever going to change, parents must ask employers for modulated schedules and speak up about their need to unplug.

6. Screens aren’t good for your marriage. And that’s not good for your kids.

Steiner-Adair asks parents to answer this question honestly: “First thing in the morning, do you roll over in bed and look at your phone and scroll through it -- or do you roll over and cuddle your partner?” Kids are acutely aware of their parents’ disengagement from each other. In her interviews with children, many spoke to Steiner-Adair about their parents’ constant bickering over screen rules (such as no phones at the table) and said that they view their parents as hypocrites when they see them flouting the family guidelines they’ve set up. “Kids see parents talking to each other about something important and then one of them answers a call mid-conversation,” she says. “One parent has dropped the other parent. What does it say to kids about how we connect to the people we love the most?”

7. In order to be a good parent, you need to take care of yourself.

“Adults use screens the same way kids do -- to avoid interaction and to avoid relying on our own inner resources," says Steiner-Adair. Increasingly when parents have a few minutes to recharge they are using that time to browse Facebook, send texts, etc. “It’s so much easier than picking up a magazine or putting your feet up on the couch and having a mini moment of relaxation -- or going for a walk and getting some fresh air-- all these things that we know actually make us feel better.” Some parents may feel that browsing Instagram or scanning the news is actually a calming way to take a break, but Steiner-Adair is skeptical. “Checking your email is not relaxing,” she says. ”Holding a tiny little hand held screen is not visually relaxing.”

8. Sorry, but you really don’t know what your kids are doing online. But that doesn’t mean you should give up trying.

Steiner-Adair points to a June 2013 McAfee study, “Digital Deception: Exploring the Online Disconnect Between Parents and Kids,” as evidence that parents are often clueless about what their kids are doing online -- and says that their ignorance is seriously harming their kids. Among the study’s findings: 80 percent of parents don’t know how to check up on what their kids are doing online. Not only that, 74 percent “simply admit defeat and claim that they do not have the time or energy to keep up with their children and hope for the best,” according to the study’s authors. But Steiner-Adair says defeat is not an option when you consider all of the damaging content kids can easily stumble upon online. While interviewing kids for her book, Steiner-Adair says, several teen boys asked her questions about sexual scenes they’d seen online. “They would say, ‘can you help me understand why a woman would want to be choked while having sex? Why would she want to be peed on?’” Indeed, the McAfee study found that over 57 percent of 13-23 year olds use the Internet to search sexual topics while only 13 percent of parents believe they do.

But Steiner-Adair sees hope in at least one of the McAfee stats: Nearly half of the teens surveyed said they would change their online behavior if they knew their parents were watching. “This means we can have an impact,” Steiner-Adair says. In addition to making sure that all computer use is done in a public place in the home, Steiner-Adair recommends that parents and kids sign an agreement that clearly states acceptable and unacceptable online behavior – and post it prominently. “The reason you’re supposed to sign it and post it is to remind kids, but also so that when other kids come over it makes it easier for your child to say, ‘oh no, I’ll get in too much trouble if I go to that site. See, I have the worst parents in the word," Steiner-Adair says. “That’s what you want your kids to say. You want to be that worst parent in the world.”

E-motion: A Blockbuster For Couples

8/18/2012

Director David Frankel took a risk to feature Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones in Hope Springs. It’s not the usual love story. It’s not the usual summer blockbuster either. Hollywood, for all the respect given to AARP-aged actors, usually shows us a glamorous young couple when it comes to romance.

Action movies and animation are the more typical summer fare. Just released last weekend to do summer battle at the box office with The Campaign and The Bourne Legacy, it’ll be interesting to keep an eye on the success ofHope Springs.

Whether it makes it big at the box office or not, I liked this film. And, I recommend it to couples! Whether your relationship is new or old, in good shape or deteriorating, this movie is a good one for couples to see. Catch it this weekend at City Center 15 in White Plains or Showcase Cinema de Lux at Ridge Hill.

I’m a fan of the incomparable Meryl Streep. Add to that, the movie includes Dr. Bernie Feld, a therapist (Steve Carell from The Office). That’s always interesting to someone like me, who is in the same profession. It does take some mental gymnastics to let go of the expectation for Carell to turn the movie into a comedy, but once you do, you get to sit back and enjoy him playing his role with deadpan aplomb. And get this; Dr. Feld has good professional ethics. Unlike way too many movies where the therapist unethically ends up in bed with the client, this movie keeps the married couple in bed with each other.

This love story shows life’s realistic ups and downs. It starts with the downs. This couple is familiar with every nuance of each other, but far from connected. Their 31-year marriage is present in a piece of paper, but absent in intimacy of all forms. They no longer feel in love, or even attracted to each other. They sleep in separate bedrooms. Their conversations revolve around small details devoid of emotion. Monogamy has become monotonous for this couple.

The wife, Kay (played by Streep) realizes she wants things to be different. She asks a friend, “Do you think you can change your marriage?” Not really sure of her answer, she makes the courageous choice to try for change. She decides, “I want a real marriage again.” And then timid Kay goes after it. Kay convinces her husband Arnold (played by Jones) to join her for a week of intensive couple’s therapy with the prominent Dr. Bernie Feld. Arnold does join her, albeit with brilliant reluctance that only Jones could pull off.

The therapy is work–no quick glamorous fix here. There’s some poignant moments, even some pretty funny ones, but there’s no quick fix for this deeply entrenched couple. Dr. Feld works hard, proving he’s an experienced professional. But the real work is between the couple. They work hard too. These two, who’ve lived together for over 30 years, get to know each other in some ways for the very first time. And, true to life, it doesn’t all go well.

I don’t want to spoil the movie for you, so I’ll try not to.

Except to say, the courage to go after an improved marriage produces change for Kay and Arnold. Big time. At least on screen. We get a glimpse of what the future holds during the credits as time fast forwards a year.

Why not set up a date night with your sweetie and go watch it? Get a sitter for the kids if you have them. It’s the kind of movie to talk about afterwards.

I would think many couples walk out of the theater wondering two questions:

Is the movie realistic?
Can marriages really change?

I did. And, here’s my answer: Yes.

Creating a better marriage isn’t just a fantasy for the big screen. I’ve watched marriages improve, over and over again in my counseling office during the course of weeks and months. Change can really happen. Things can really get better. The couples aren’t well-known like Streep and Jones. They’re pretty ordinary, like you and me. And they have to work at it. And, the earlier a couple shows up to work on things, the better things usually go.

Maybe you are in one of those relationships, like Kay and Arnold, where intimacy is absent. Maybe you are in a relationship where the spark is flickering, the connection waning. Maybe you, like Kay, “want a real marriage again.” Or, maybe things aren't so bad but you would still like change in areas that really matter to you.

With divorce statistics what they are, it’s easy to guess that plenty who watch this movie are in that unsatisfied group and wonder about the future of their relationship.

What does it take to make relationship change happen? Well, for starters, work. Getting help from a professional is important. Courage, commitment, effort, time, humor; all of these help too. It might sound daunting, but think about it–don’t we expend these things in our education and career pursuits? Isn’t our most important relationship worth the effort also?

I’ll give Hope Springs my vote. I hope you go see it, whether you can claim a 30+ year relationship or not.

It might even change up your relationship for the better. How many movies can do that?

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-a-blockbuster-for-couples

E-motion: Mark the Transitions!

8/18/2012

Last week I hung out with parents and little ones at a nursery school picnic marking the end of the school year. Then, over the weekend, I passed clusters of teens milling around, looking for ways to celebrate the start of the summer season. I’ve also noticed college kids are showing up back home in Scarsdale to both catch up on sleep and start their summer jobs.

School’s out for many, and soon to be out for all!

Summer is a big change, for kids, for parents, and for the many grown-ups who dedicate their careers to school kids of all ages, from pre-school to university. Of all the transitions and holidays in a year’s time, this one is perhaps the biggest, for people and for communities, especially for small towns, like ours.

Graduation celebrations seem to sprout up now at almost every stage of development, not just high school and university. Balloons, speeches, and cake; it’s fun and festive, and important to everyone involved.

In addition to the graduation parties, I have another suggestion to try. This suggestion is for any parent, grandparent, or caring adult involved in a child’s life. That includes neighbors, friends, clergy persons, or even extended family that lives elsewhere. With video chat nowadays, we can be “with” someone even when outside of Scarsdale. You know what kids you have a special connection to.

If you’re one of those grownups, how about having what I call a “marker” conversation?

Marker conversations are all about noticing transitions, important changes or events in life. They are about recognizing times that we mark as significant, whether it is a positive time or a negative time or event. Both kinds leave a mark.

They are about a change for a person, and focus on the person involved.
They include talk about thoughts, feelings, dreams, hopes, struggles and accomplishments.
These kinds of conversations can be casual, but are usually remembered.
They can be spontaneous, but also deliberately planned.
They are a form of reminiscing, but the focus isn’t remembering the details.
They touch something deeper, that real place inside we often keep quiet or private.
They are reflective and honest and woven together with memories.
They can be short, but almost always bring us closer to a person.
They can be with anyone, but in this case, I’m suggesting having one with a child, teen, or young adult you know, graduating or not.

This kind of conversation works best when you both are relaxed. When you’re not in a hurry to go somewhere or do something. They won’t work if either of you are also looking at, or wanting to look at a screen, no matter how small. They aren’t the time to lecture, discipline, or make a point. While marker conversations can be about many topics, now is a good time to try one out about summer transitions.

Whether you are a wall street executive, a police officer, a stay at home parent, or a store clerk;anyone can have a meaningful marker conversation. Be yourself and use your own words. Be fully present to the child/teen/young adult. Be together around the topic of the change. Talk to them in ways the youngster can understand, based on their age. Tune in to them. Listen well. Simply reflect together. Leave room for silence. Talk about the changes, thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams. Even a four year old finishing nursery school has these.

Listening and talking like this matters to kids, even if they are big kids. I think it matters a lot, even if the kids don’t say so. And it matters to the grownups involved too.

A recent article in the New York Times links talking deeply like this to being happier. And you know, it even matters to communities, makes them better places to live. I plan to have a marker conversation, or two, this week with my own child, who is graduating.

Marker conversations connect. They create meaning. They inspire.

Try one out this week!

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-mark-the-transitions

E-motion: The Power Of Talking Together

6/16/2011

Original art by Radhika Hamlai

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-the-power-of-talking-together

My work is doing therapy. I meet with people, and we talk. I also do some play therapy with children, art therapy and experiential therapy, but therapy is mostly about talking together. And the talking together has a purpose. The purpose is to effect change.

Even though I’ve been doing this therapy stuff now for 20 years, my belief in it is always renewed when I meet with someone, such as a family or couple, and even in the intake session, they tell me that talking together like we’re doing is already helping them. Right then. Right there.

It’s a powerful thing, talking. Good talking can produce immediate change. Change in how you think. Change in how you feel. Change in what you do. Change in how you relate to others.

Now, talking in a therapist’s office involves working with a professional, so there’s a lot of training and experience involved in helping with that type of change. But just regular talking together — that’s something we all do with lots of people. Some people are really good at it, but more and more, people are losing track of how to talk effectively. Talking, communicating, listening, connecting — that’s what I’m referring to.

It’s not a subject required in school, but I think it should be.

You see, I think we mostly know how to talk at, not talk with.

Talking at is like dumping out a big bucket of liquid on the other person. You get rid of something heavy. You feel lighter. You get something off your chest. But the other person is all wet with your stuff. Sometimes your stuff is just wet like water; sometimes it’s more toxic than that. Sometimes the liquid is more like poison.

Talking with is quite different. Talking with is like sharing a bucket. You each put in some liquid, taking turns, and you create a new substance that is shared and fresh. It has potential instead of poison.

Talking at is really quite easy. It really just involves you with another person standing by.

Talking with is much more difficult. It involves a connection with another person, not just their presence.

Talking with someone shows you care about them and not just yourself.

Think about the last time you really enjoyed a conversation. What made it enjoyable?

Think about the last time you didn’t enjoy a conversation. What made it no fun?

If you reflect, I would think you’d come up with something like this…

Enjoyable conversation is mutual. It's back and forth. Both of us got to talk. Both of us listened to the other.

A no-fun conversation is one way, and consists of arguing and not listening to the other person. It's boring, and made me angry/upset.

Want to have better conversations with your partner, kids, friends or boss?

There are entire books written on how to communicate better. But you are just reading a short article, so here’s my short suggestion — try these two things:

Pay attention to the conversation.

Tune in to the other person and tune out other things that could distract you. We are so used to multi-tasking with our electronic devices that we often apply this to our conversations. It doesn’t work well with people. So look right at the person you’re talking with, watch them closely and think about how they might be feeling as well as what they are saying. Note the person’s body language and tone of voice. Active listening involves paying attention to both the way something is being said and the words being used to say it.

Wait until the other person is finished talking before responding.

Did you know that we can hear more words per minute than we can speak? Most people speak between 100-175 words per minute. We can listen and understand at a much higher rate—up to 300 words per minute. Because of this difference, we often start responding in our minds while the other person is still talking to us instead of listening at the 100 percent level. So try to truly wait to respond — both outloud and in your head.

Even small change in these two ways can make a big difference in your relationships. Give it a try!

Shared Meals, Shared Lives: The Importance of Family Dinner

2/23/2011

Reprinted from Scarsdale Patch weekly E-motion article by Tamera Schreur
http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/shared-meals-shared-lives-the-importance-of-family-dinner

Worried about your child's grades? Want to do something to keep your teen on track and out of trouble? Take a look at one simple act that can make a profound difference.

Lots of families have increased time together this week during Winter Recess. Perhaps your family is enjoying a winter get away to the beach (that’s where I would go!) or to the ski slopes. Have you had some nice time to sit together around a table for a meal and conversation? If so, you’re doing a good thing. Perhaps even a better thing than you realize! Family meals matter.

As far back as 50 years ago, researchers looked at the results of family routines, such as family meals, for children’s well-being. Prominent institutions like Syracuse University, Georgetown and Harvard have come out citing the benefits of having regular family times together around a table of food. Even our first president’s diaries describe the good cheer produced from shared mealtimes. More recently, we’ve seen some excellent books that bring together the research with the practical applications we need to make it work for our overtaxed American families.

Here’s an appetizing sampler of quotes from some of today’s family meal spokespersons:

“Basically, everything a parent worries about can be improved by the simple act of sitting down and sharing a meal.” - Laurie David, producer and author of "The Family Dinner: Great Ways to Connect with Your Kids One Meal At A Time," 2010 (also available on Kindle).
“Better grades, healthier eating habits, closer relationships to parents and siblings, ability to resist negative peer pressure, resilience in the face of life's problems — all these are outcomes of simply sharing dinner on a regular basis… Experts everywhere agree: sharing meals helps cement family relationships, no matter how you define 'family.'" - Miriam Weinstein, author of "The Surprising Power of Family Meals: How Eating Together Makes Us Smarter, Stronger, Healthier and Happier," 2005.
“The big picture is that family meals, and especially dinner, are the single most important activity that parents can do to enhance the life of their children.” Dr. William Doherty, master family therapist and author of numerous books on improving family life, including "The Intentional Family: How to Build Family Ties in Our Modern World," 1997.

That’s really pretty cool, isn’t it? What’s not to like?

I don’t think liking is the problem. We go to great lengths to give our children opportunities and advantages. This research shows very likable advantages. It’s the doing that gets in the way. How come? Well, our lives have gotten busy and complicated. Most parents, and even teens, are often tired. Oh, and have you ever had an unpleasant family meal when the baby is crying, the toddler got hungry hours before, the school age kids don’t like what you serve, or the teen, well, the teen would rather stay upstairs with the computer and phone? It’s not exactly something that encourages trying again.

Okay, the goal here isn’t to make you feel guilty. That is rarely helpful in producing change. Plenty of parents have seen this research, feel a little or a lot of guilt, try to make changes, find the challenge too hard, and go back to life as usual with meals on the run and everyone scattered according to their diverse work and activity schedule. But change is possible. And worth it! Here are my practical tips:

Share the research results and let them pave the way for you. Your kids might get excited about this easy way towards academic success and less stress! Brainstorm ideas together.
Start where you are. Start small. Start manageable. One step at a time is good advice.
Keep at it. Stay hopeful. Focus on what you can do, not what you aren’t doing.
Weinstein suggests that we remember that supper isn’t really the point. Shared nourishment and connection as a family is the real goal. Put your efforts there.
The most gain comes when the family meal is enjoyable and includes talking together. Tell jokes, talk about the funny thing the family pet did today, your favorite commercial, the ideal family vacation, what your favorite part of the day was, etc.
Loose the electronics (TV, cell phones, video games, etc) during the meal. All of them. Everyone’s. Including Mom’s and Dad’s iPhones. Really.
Carve out and schedule the time to prioritize family meals. Our calendars show what’s important to us. Too busy already? Consider this—how did we find the minutes and hours we now spend texting, talking and tweeting?

There’s a lot more to say, but, you’re busy, right?! So chew on this quote from Weinstein to close:

“Families are people who nourish each other, spend time together [and] care about each other travel together through time. We need to eat several times a day. Linking that need with being together is a simple, direct way to strengthen our ties with our loved ones…Family life is rarely perfect, but some things can be pretty darn good. Sharing conversation and food with those we care about can be one of life's continuing joys.”

Better Than Chocolate!

2/14/2011

Article reprinted from PATCH Scarsdale, NY in Tamera Schreur's weekly
E-motion column
http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/better-than-chocolate#photo-954721

What does she really want? Can I make him happy this year? What gift will delight her? Tension can arise both before the special day, as well as on Valentine’s Day if expectations – especially those not expressed out loud – are not met.

Finding the best gift for Valentine’s Day can be an elusive task.

What does she really want? Can I make him happy this year? What gift will delight her? Tension can arise both before the special day, as well as on Valentine’s Day if expectations – especially those not expressed out loud – are not met.

“The Office,” a popular TV show that focuses on relationships, has a hilarious Feb. 14th episode where Phyllis gets everything she wants and more, including a six-foot teddy bear, while Pam sits stewing over the lack of even one gift from her boyfriend. Sure, most people like a nice gift, but what makes us really happy? Does giving a spectacular surprise on Valentine’s Day ensure happiness for you and your partner?

Believe it or not, people do study such things and the findings might not be popular at the confectionary or florist. In their April 2010 article “Eavesdropping on Happiness,” researchers at the University of Arizona found that one of the best gifts you can give is free. Yup, free.

What the researchers found is a link between happiness and spending time in deep conversation. Put simply, the researchers found that people who spend more time with others and more time in deep conversations have happier lives.

The happiest participants had one third less small talk and twice as many substantive conversations. They indulged in deep conversation, not just chitchat consisting of phrases like “What’s for dinner tonight?” or “Are you going to pick up the kids, or should I?”

They shared richer, more meaningful information. You might compare it to a diet of humdrum snacks versus a diet that includes tantalizing gourmet food. Which sounds better to you? The researchers concluded that “people find their lives more worth living when examined—at least when examined together.”

So, back to Valentine’s Day. I’ve never seen this on a top ten list of best Valentine’s gifts to give, but wouldn’t it be sweet to give “Talk Coupons” for enticing talks together?

If this sounds too foreign for you or your partner’s taste, blend such a gift into a Valentine’s Dinner by including a few enriching questions while you’re having that special dinner. (Be ready for your partner to be surprised if your usual talk is primarily of the “lite” sort!) And then do it again next week, and the week after – you get the picture.

It seems to be built into us to want to connect deeply with others. This does take work, though. Work we often don’t prioritize. It’s far too easy to get into daily patterns that leave little space for this. Juggling jobs, schedules and family is demanding. But don’t we all want to be happy? And don’t we want to have happy partners and families?

So, try moving your conversation style up from snack level to gourmet! Make it a habit, just like other things that become part of your regular routine. Here are a few conversation appetizers to get you started:

If we could get out of winter and go someplace fun, where would it be?
What things are important to you in creating a romantic evening?
What things in life give you the most joy?
What is the best way for me to encourage you?
When do you feel the most loved?

Talk together more. Talk together deeply. Talk together often. Try it, and then let me know -- what do you think? Is it better than chocolate?