Published on Scarsdale Patch  http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-wheres-the-onoff-switch-for-feelings
 
Remember this old children’s song?  Barney sang it often on television.

“If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands
If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.”

Barney sang a lot of songs about positive feelings and attitudes.  The thing about Barney was, his focus was pretty one sided.  To Barney life was always happy.  Problem is,  we aren’t always happy.  What are we supposed to do when we are:

·       Sad and we know it?

·       Angry and we know it?

·       Upset and we know it?

·       Worried and we know it?

Do you ever wish your feelings came with an on/off switch?  I know I do.

Imagine how that would be if:  
You find out you’ve lost your job, start feeling depressed, and, click -- turn off the negative feelings and enjoy a great evening with your family.  

You get hurt by criticism from a friend, start feeling upset, and, click – turn off the hurt feelings and move right into planning your next get-together. 

You and your partner get into a fight, you become angry, and, click -- turn off the anger and it’s like it never happened.

Which feelings would you click off most often?  Which feelings would you want to keep turned on?

I think I can guess.   And so can you.

Positive feelings, like joy, happiness, delight, pleasure would get the ON switch.

Negative feelings like sadness, fear, bitterness, insecurity would get the OFF switch.

But wouldn’t that leave us rather one sided as people?  It would be like living in a Disney World happy bubble all the time.  Happy bubble places are fun to visit for Spring Break, but they aren’t real life. 

We all know that life includes both positive and negative feelings.  Rather than focusing on an on/off switch, it is more important to learn to handle the feelings we’d prefer not to have.  Learning this leads to resilience to bounce back from tough times.  When we have resilience, we can cope with times that make us sad, afraid, or worried.  We know we will bounce back.  Joy and pleasure lie ahead.  When we have this kind of emotional health, we recognize our feelings, have control over what we do with them, and cope when the going gets tough.  This is easier said than done, of course.

To get a better handle on feelings (much better than an on/off switch, really) here’s 10 suggestions from the American Psychological Association on how to build resilience to better handle life’s wild mix of feelings.  I think they’re pretty good.

• Make connections. Good relationships with close family members, friends, or others are important.
• Avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems.  You can't change the fact that highly stressful events happen, but you can change how you interpret and respond to these events.
• Accept that change is a part of living.  Certain goals may no longer be attainable as a result of adverse situations.  Accepting circumstances that cannot be changed can help you focus on circumstances that you can alter.
• Move toward your goals.  Develop some realistic goals.  Do something regularly -- even if it seems like a small accomplishment -- that enables you to move toward your goals.
• Take decisive actions.  Act on adverse situations as much as you can. Take decisive actions, rather than detaching completely from problems and stresses and wishing they would just go away.
• Look for opportunities for self-discovery.  People often learn something about themselves and may find that they have grown in some respect as a result of their struggle with loss.
• Nurture a positive view of yourself.  Developing confidence in your ability to solve problems and trusting your instincts helps build resilience.
• Keep things in perspective.  Even when facing very painful events, try to consider the stressful situation in a broader context and keep a long-term perspective. Avoid blowing the event out of proportion.
• Maintain a hopeful outlook.  An optimistic outlook enables you to expect that good things will happen in your life.  Try visualizing what you want, rather than worrying about what you fear.
• Take care of yourself.  Pay attention to your own needs and feelings. Engage in activities that you enjoy and find relaxing.  Exercise regularly. Taking care of yourself helps to keep your mind and body primed to deal with situations that require resilience.
• Additional ways of strengthening resilience may be helpful.  For example, some people write about their deepest thoughts and feelings related to trauma or other stressful events in their life.  Meditation and spiritual practices help some people build connections and restore hope.

Reprinted from Scarsdale Patch
E-motion weekly column by Tamera Schreur

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/pot-of-gold-at-the-oscars

Ready for blue skies? Read on for a life lesson taught by a group of fifth graders that will brighten any day.

I’m quite taken by the unstoppable kids from PS 22 in Staten Island. They received the final applause at the Academy Awards Ceremony on Monday evening with their expressive rendition of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" from the 1939 movie "The Wizard of Oz." Here they were, fifth graders from a public school in Staten aweing that star-studded audience. There are some outstanding singers in the group, like there are right here in our schools, but what is sky rocketing this group to such fame?  New York magazine called them “the best known elementary school chorus on the planet.” If you missed seeing them, plug "PS 22 choir Oscars" into a search engine right now! 

We can’t ignore the power of going viral.  The Internet has certainly worked its magic for them. They also have a great leader. Gregg Breinberg, or Mr. B as he’s affectionately called, is an outstanding choral director. But setting these things aside, I have to ask, what is making them a sensation? What prompted all those high fives from Anne Hathaway? Why do people love them so much? 

It seems to me it’s how they are in touch with their feelings. They’re alive, vigorous, exuberant, tender, raw, soulful, earnest and passionate. I could keep going with adjectives that we don’t often use to describe fifth grade singers. Being authentic with feelings makes these kids’ singing alive and vigorous. If you watch a few more clips of them online you’ll see they have an incredible emotional range. Mr. B calls them “fully expressed.”  I think it’s their pot of gold. And it shines brightly. 

These are kids who haven’t had many rainbows in their lives. Statistics about the school show that many of the students come from struggling families. Nearly 70 percent qualify for lunch assistance. “There are kids who come from places where I wish I could just physically move them somewhere else,” Breinberg says. Many of the children in the chorus have seen a lot of difficulties in their ten or eleven years of life. And yet, they are the ones who walked the red carpet this week. Some of them even got to hold one of the coveted gold Oscars. 

These kids and this teacher are inspiring. I’m sure their success promotes keeping arts as an integral part of the public school curriculums. They can prompt all of us to work hard and follow our dreams. But, if I may, I’d like to suggest we let these kids inspire us to get more in touch with our feelings and express them in healthy ways. 

Mr. B tells the kids, “Don’t fake it, you should feel it.” 

Learn to recognize your feelings and express them in healthy ways.  The basic ones are Sad, Mad, Glad and Afraid.  But we can add nuance with others like satisfied, relaxed, tender, rebellious, determined, optimistic, hesitant, humiliated, mournful or frisky. Work to expand your feeling vocabulary. 

Take a few moments throughout the day to do a "feelings check." Sit or stand quietly, take a few slow breaths. Notice what is inside you. Focus on how different parts of your body feel. Turn your attention inward. Ask yourself how you are feeling and notice what comes to mind. Let your feelings be just as they are. You might readily know how your feelings connect to things going on in your life. You might not. That’s ok.

Some feelings are pleasant and easy to feel. Others are unpleasant and tough. Some feelings make us want to lash out or do something we’ll later regret. We can learn how to control our responses to our feelings rather than be controlled by the feeling. Teaching our children and teens this  skill is also important. We can find healthy ways to express our feelings, like making music! Life and relationships are fuller when we have, like the PS 22 chorus kids, an incredible emotional range.

The blog site Breinberg set up for his choir headlines this quote: “When you do what you love, things can happen for you.” That’s pretty good advice for all of us. What rainbows and blue sky might be waiting for us if we embrace our feeling as fully as Mr. B and the PS 22 kid’s choir?