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TAMERA SCHREUR, MA, L.M.F.T.

E-motion: A Blockbuster For Couples

8/18/2012

 
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Director David Frankel took a risk to feature Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones in Hope Springs. It’s not the usual love story. It’s not the usual summer blockbuster either. Hollywood, for all the respect given to AARP-aged actors, usually shows us a glamorous young couple when it comes to romance. 

Action movies and animation are the more typical summer fare. Just released last weekend to do summer battle at the box office with The Campaign and The Bourne Legacy, it’ll be interesting to keep an eye on the success ofHope Springs.  

Whether it makes it big at the box office or not, I liked this film.  And, I recommend it to couples! Whether your relationship is new or old, in good shape or deteriorating, this movie is a good one for couples to see. Catch it this weekend at City Center 15 in White Plains or Showcase Cinema de Lux at Ridge Hill. 

I’m a fan of the incomparable Meryl Streep. Add to that, the movie includes Dr. Bernie Feld, a therapist (Steve Carell from The Office). That’s always interesting to someone like me, who is in the same profession. It does take some mental gymnastics to let go of the expectation for Carell to turn the movie into a comedy, but once you do, you get to sit back and enjoy him playing his role with deadpan aplomb. And get this; Dr. Feld has good professional ethics. Unlike way too many movies where the therapist unethically ends up in bed with the client, this movie keeps the married couple in bed with each other.

This love story shows life’s realistic ups and downs. It starts with the downs.  This couple is familiar with every nuance of each other, but far from connected. Their 31-year marriage is present in a piece of paper, but absent in intimacy of all forms. They no longer feel in love, or even attracted to each other. They sleep in separate bedrooms. Their conversations revolve around small details devoid of emotion. Monogamy has become monotonous for this couple.

The wife, Kay (played by Streep) realizes she wants things to be different. She asks a friend, “Do you think you can change your marriage?”  Not really sure of her answer, she makes the courageous choice to try for change. She decides, “I want a real marriage again.”  And then timid Kay goes after it. Kay convinces her husband Arnold (played by Jones) to join her for a week of intensive couple’s therapy with the prominent Dr. Bernie Feld. Arnold does join her, albeit with brilliant reluctance that only Jones could pull off. 

The therapy is work–no quick glamorous fix here. There’s some poignant moments, even some pretty funny ones, but there’s no quick fix for this deeply entrenched couple. Dr. Feld works hard, proving he’s an experienced professional.  But the real work is between the couple. They work hard too.  These two, who’ve lived together for over 30 years, get to know each other in some ways for the very first time. And, true to life, it doesn’t all go well.

I don’t want to spoil the movie for you, so I’ll try not to.  

Except to say, the courage to go after an improved marriage produces change for Kay and Arnold.  Big time.  At least on screen. We get a glimpse of what the future holds during the credits as time fast forwards a year. 

Why not set up a date night with your sweetie and go watch it? Get a sitter for the kids if you have them. It’s the kind of movie to talk about afterwards. 

I would think many couples walk out of the theater wondering two questions:

  • Is the movie realistic?
  • Can marriages really change? 
I did. And, here’s my answer: Yes.

Creating a better marriage isn’t just a fantasy for the big screen. I’ve watched marriages improve, over and over again in my counseling office during the course of weeks and months.  Change can really happen. Things can really get better. The couples aren’t well-known like Streep and Jones. They’re pretty ordinary, like you and me.  And they have to work at it. And, the earlier a couple shows up to work on things, the better things usually go.

Maybe you are in one of those relationships, like Kay and Arnold, where intimacy is absent. Maybe you are in a relationship where the spark is flickering, the connection waning. Maybe you, like Kay, “want a real marriage again.”  Or, maybe things aren't so bad but you would still like change in areas that really matter to you.

With divorce statistics what they are, it’s easy to guess that plenty who watch this movie are in that unsatisfied group and wonder about the future of their relationship.  

What does it take to make relationship change happen? Well, for starters, work. Getting help from a professional is important. Courage, commitment, effort, time, humor; all of these help too. It might sound daunting, but think about it–don’t we expend these things in our education and career pursuits? Isn’t our most important relationship worth the effort also?  

I’ll give Hope Springs my vote. I hope you go see it, whether you can claim a 30+ year relationship or not.

It might even change up your relationship for the better. How many movies can do that?

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-a-blockbuster-for-couples 

E-motion: Patriotic Vegetables

8/18/2012

 
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I took a little drive around town last night en route to the library. Saw lots of people walking purposely from the train, a few joggers and a couple of dog walkers. I also saw blue hydrangeas in bloom, green grass, and climbing ivy.  No vegetable gardens in sight though, at least not from my car window.

I was on the lookout for such gardens after seeing patriotic posters at an art museum recently. These posters featured vegetables. That’s right, vegetables.  No guns in sight. They sprouted patriotic statements like, “Sow the Seeds of Victory: Plant and Raise Your Own Vegetables,” “Dig on For Victory” and “Uncle Sam Says Garden.” 

Vegetables aren’t the usual image we have when patriotism stirs our hearts nowadays.  I doubt if any of us thought of red, white or blue veggies on the Fourth! No, it was more likely fireworks, paradesand summertime classics at the Philharmonic that were on our minds. 

But vegetables and gardens were very much on people’s minds during WWI.  Farmers had left their fields to become soldiers, and food  became scarce.  Ration cards were used to limit certain items. When you were out of your allotted eggs, milk or meat, you had to wait until the next week to be allowed to get more. It was a tough time. It was tough on families and soldiers too.

Everyone needs to eat whether it’s wartime, or not. Charles Lathrop Pack did some outside-the-box thinking in March 1917 and seeded a whole new idea to the American public. Grow a Victory Garden at home! Use your yards, empty lots in your cities, and even on your rooftops (now known to be a very green way to lower electrical costs.)  

The idea worked. The National War Garden Commission was created.  Local initiatives to grow your own food sprouted up all around America. Men, women and children, even those who had never handled a small vegetable seed, shoveled away excuses and learned to grow their own food. It’s estimated that 20 million victory gardens were planted. Eleanor Roosevelt planted one on the White House lawn. Even agri-business, to the surprise of many, jumped on board promoting community gardening and food production. The U.S. Department of Agriculture estimates that the vegetables and fruit harvested in the Victory Gardens were an amount equal to all commercial production of vegetables—about 9-10 million tons. Think of it!

Victory gardens, a by the people for the people initiative, worked. Health,y fresh food was more available for civilians and soldiers alike. The backyard farm-to-table initiative worked in other ways too.

  • Morale was boosted. Instead of feeling helpless or hopeless, those at home realized they could plan an important role. They produced a needed product. Civic morale was boosted in the process. Morale growth isn’t weighed in tons, but it sure counts.
  • Families were strengthened. Growing a successful backyard garden during war times meant families raising children raised vegetables too. They worked together, learned together, spent time together, and had better family meals. Modern research shows the value of family time together around meals.
  • Resourcefulness was nurtured. Americans reached inside themselves to find resourcefulness and capabilities they hadn’t before known or used.  They learned to grow food, can food, and use food in different ways.  They accomplished something pretty phenomenal for both themselves and for America.
  • Health improved. Fresh fruit and vegetables meant healthier bodies, healthier lives and healthier relationships.
  • Empowerment happened. There’s nothing like putting a seed in soil, watering it, and watching what amazing things come of it. Growing food can benefit you physically, mentally, and emotionally.  The American public moved from being passive consumers of food to empowered producers of this vital commodity. 
  • Community developed. The gardens were started in backyards, but also in community plots and playgrounds. People, even those who didn’t see eye to eye with each other, weeded out their differences and figured out how to work together in a united effort. Neighbors pooled their resources, cooperation and connection deepened. 
We don’t have to think too much about food scarcity in Scarsdale. It’s not an issue. There’s plenty and I'm glad about that. There’s plenty of choice too.

You can get it ready-made, cook it yourself, eat out, or have it delivered. It’s easy to get. Just stop byDeCicco or Lange's, both a few steps from the train on the way home, run to Shop Rite or try the new HMart and bring home incredible food sure to please even the pickiest of kids. It's like this in many parts of America.

But, despite the wide availability of food we have, Victory Gardens are making resurgence in America. The reasons for their renewed popularity isn’t from promotional posters or wartime scarcity. I think they’re back because of those other pluses, the ones about health improvements, emotional well-being, family values, and community.   

It’s all good stuff to nurture. All stuff that benefits individuals, families, and communities, like our own. Heck, on a small scale, it even benefits America. Growing a Victory Garden was called being patriotic in 1917. I think it can still be called that in 2012.

I’ll attest to the value of a Victory type garden from my own experience.  For the past three years I’ve been one of the adult helpers at the children’s garden at Greenville Community Church. It’s a small plot. It doesn’t even get full sun.  But, our “Garden of Eat’in” is not about quantity, it’s about the shared multi-generational experience, learning together, and appreciating the wonderful world of nature. 

It’s really cool to watch kids who earlier would gag on eating a vegetable, eagerly pop a sugar snap pea, skin and all, into their mouth and smile big. Or, proudly walk around carrying a basket of yellow tomatoes to share with others.

If you have a small piece of soil, or even just a simple container,  you can produce a Victory Garden. And, don’t worry, it isn’t about quantity. Living here, you can still buy all the food you want in addition to what your garden produces.

You can start with one tomato plant. Or whatever your favorite vegetable is.  Plant a fruit tree. Or raspberries. Create the garden with your kids. Talk about sharing one with your next door neighbor, or your faith community.  Tend some herbs on a sunny windowsill.  It might take fertilization of your resourcefulness to get started, but remember those who did it before, all the way back to WWI.  They didn't know what they were doing. But they plowed ahead and did it anyway. And, it worked.

Why not grow your patriotism this July in a new way and start a Victory Garden? 

It’ll be a win-win.

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/patriotic-vegetables 

E-motion: Mark the Transitions!

8/18/2012

 
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Last week I hung out with parents and little ones at a nursery school picnic marking the end of the school year. Then, over the weekend, I passed clusters of teens milling around, looking for ways to celebrate the start of the summer season. I’ve also noticed college kids are showing up back home in Scarsdale to both catch up on sleep and start their summer jobs. 

School’s out for many, and soon to be out for all!

Summer is a big change, for kids, for parents, and for the many grown-ups who dedicate their careers to school kids of all ages, from pre-school to university.  Of all the transitions and holidays in a year’s time, this one is perhaps the biggest, for people and for communities, especially for small towns, like ours.

Graduation celebrations seem to sprout up now at almost every stage of development, not just high school and university. Balloons, speeches, and cake; it’s fun and festive, and important to everyone involved.

In addition to the graduation parties, I have another suggestion to try. This suggestion is for any parent, grandparent, or caring adult involved in a child’s life.  That includes neighbors, friends, clergy persons, or even extended family that lives elsewhere. With video chat nowadays, we can be “with” someone even when outside of Scarsdale.  You know what kids you have a special connection to. 

If you’re one of those grownups, how about having what I call a “marker” conversation? 

Marker conversations are all about noticing transitions, important changes or events in  life. They are about recognizing times that we mark as significant, whether it is a positive time or a negative time or event. Both kinds leave a mark. 

  • They are about a change for a person, and focus on the person involved.
  • They include talk about thoughts, feelings, dreams, hopes, struggles and accomplishments.
  • These kinds of conversations can be casual, but are usually remembered. 
  • They can be spontaneous, but also deliberately planned. 
  • They are a form of reminiscing, but the focus isn’t remembering the details. 
  • They touch something deeper, that real place inside we often keep quiet or private.
  • They are reflective and honest and woven together with memories.
  • They can be short, but almost always bring us closer to a person. 
  • They can be with anyone, but in this case, I’m suggesting having one with a child, teen, or young adult you know, graduating or not.
This kind of conversation works best when you both are relaxed.  When you’re not in a hurry to go somewhere or do something. They won’t work if either of you are also looking at, or wanting to look at a screen, no matter how small. They aren’t the time to lecture, discipline, or make a point. While marker conversations can be about many topics, now is a good time to try one out about summer transitions.

Whether you are a wall street executive, a police officer, a stay at home parent, or a store clerk;anyone can have a meaningful marker conversation. Be yourself and use your own words. Be fully present to the child/teen/young adult. Be together around the topic of the change. Talk to them in ways the youngster can understand, based on their age. Tune in to them. Listen well.  Simply reflect together. Leave room for silence. Talk about the changes, thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams. Even a four year old finishing nursery school has these.

Listening and talking like this matters to kids, even if they are big kids.  I think it matters a lot, even if the kids don’t say so.  And it matters to the grownups involved too. 

A recent article in the New York Times links talking deeply like this to being happier. And you know, it even matters to communities, makes them better places to live. I plan to have a marker conversation, or two, this week with my own child, who is graduating. 

Marker conversations connect.  They create meaning. They inspire.  

Try one out this week!

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-mark-the-transitions 

    Author

    Musings on life and relationships from
    Family Therapist
    Tamera Schreur



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