Director David Frankel took a risk to feature Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones in Hope Springs. It’s not the usual love story. It’s not the usual summer blockbuster either. Hollywood, for all the respect given to AARP-aged actors, usually shows us a glamorous young couple when it comes to romance. 

Action movies and animation are the more typical summer fare. Just released last weekend to do summer battle at the box office with The Campaign and The Bourne Legacy, it’ll be interesting to keep an eye on the success ofHope Springs.  

Whether it makes it big at the box office or not, I liked this film.  And, I recommend it to couples! Whether your relationship is new or old, in good shape or deteriorating, this movie is a good one for couples to see. Catch it this weekend at City Center 15 in White Plains or Showcase Cinema de Lux at Ridge Hill. 

I’m a fan of the incomparable Meryl Streep. Add to that, the movie includes Dr. Bernie Feld, a therapist (Steve Carell from The Office). That’s always interesting to someone like me, who is in the same profession. It does take some mental gymnastics to let go of the expectation for Carell to turn the movie into a comedy, but once you do, you get to sit back and enjoy him playing his role with deadpan aplomb. And get this; Dr. Feld has good professional ethics. Unlike way too many movies where the therapist unethically ends up in bed with the client, this movie keeps the married couple in bed with each other.

This love story shows life’s realistic ups and downs. It starts with the downs.  This couple is familiar with every nuance of each other, but far from connected. Their 31-year marriage is present in a piece of paper, but absent in intimacy of all forms. They no longer feel in love, or even attracted to each other. They sleep in separate bedrooms. Their conversations revolve around small details devoid of emotion. Monogamy has become monotonous for this couple.

The wife, Kay (played by Streep) realizes she wants things to be different. She asks a friend, “Do you think you can change your marriage?”  Not really sure of her answer, she makes the courageous choice to try for change. She decides, “I want a real marriage again.”  And then timid Kay goes after it. Kay convinces her husband Arnold (played by Jones) to join her for a week of intensive couple’s therapy with the prominent Dr. Bernie Feld. Arnold does join her, albeit with brilliant reluctance that only Jones could pull off. 

The therapy is work–no quick glamorous fix here. There’s some poignant moments, even some pretty funny ones, but there’s no quick fix for this deeply entrenched couple. Dr. Feld works hard, proving he’s an experienced professional.  But the real work is between the couple. They work hard too.  These two, who’ve lived together for over 30 years, get to know each other in some ways for the very first time. And, true to life, it doesn’t all go well.

I don’t want to spoil the movie for you, so I’ll try not to.  

Except to say, the courage to go after an improved marriage produces change for Kay and Arnold.  Big time.  At least on screen. We get a glimpse of what the future holds during the credits as time fast forwards a year. 

Why not set up a date night with your sweetie and go watch it? Get a sitter for the kids if you have them. It’s the kind of movie to talk about afterwards. 

I would think many couples walk out of the theater wondering two questions:

• Is the movie realistic?
• Can marriages really change? 

I did. And, here’s my answer: Yes.

Creating a better marriage isn’t just a fantasy for the big screen. I’ve watched marriages improve, over and over again in my counseling office during the course of weeks and months.  Change can really happen. Things can really get better. The couples aren’t well-known like Streep and Jones. They’re pretty ordinary, like you and me.  And they have to work at it. And, the earlier a couple shows up to work on things, the better things usually go.

Maybe you are in one of those relationships, like Kay and Arnold, where intimacy is absent. Maybe you are in a relationship where the spark is flickering, the connection waning. Maybe you, like Kay, “want a real marriage again.”  Or, maybe things aren't so bad but you would still like change in areas that really matter to you.

With divorce statistics what they are, it’s easy to guess that plenty who watch this movie are in that unsatisfied group and wonder about the future of their relationship.  

What does it take to make relationship change happen? Well, for starters, work. Getting help from a professional is important. Courage, commitment, effort, time, humor; all of these help too. It might sound daunting, but think about it–don’t we expend these things in our education and career pursuits? Isn’t our most important relationship worth the effort also?  

I’ll give Hope Springs my vote. I hope you go see it, whether you can claim a 30+ year relationship or not.

It might even change up your relationship for the better. How many movies can do that?

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-a-blockbuster-for-couples 

V.
Value.  You chose the person you are with for good reasons.  Consider how valuable your Valentine is to you.  Do you watch the stock market each day to check your investment values?  Don’t let a day go by without telling or showing your Valentine that you value him/her.  Keep the bigger picture of value in mind when you are upset over small things.  And remember, relationships are investments that grow in value as they mature.

A.
Appreciate and Apologize.   These two words make a nice relationship “handshake” of sorts.  Find ways look for the positive.  It is easy to get caught up in life’s daily distractions that annoy us, including things our partner might do (or not do).  Stay positive and be grateful for the things that are good in your relationship. Apologize when you do something that hurts or bothers your partner.  Do it right away, even if you are also feeling hurt yourself.   Every couple has some areas that are stronger than others.  Appreciating and apologizing go a long way in keeping relationships strong and healthy.

L. 
Love.  Love is a verb, as well as a noun.  Keeping love alive in your relationship means action.  Find ways, large and small, in which to show and grow your love each day.  Investigate what your partner likes.  It may be different than what you like.  Be faithful in loving.

E.
Evaluate.  That’s right, take time now and then to evaluate together how things are going in your relationship.  Address areas that need improvements, celebrate progress made.  Hint:  plan the evaluation for a time that is going well, don’t do it during the midst of an argument.

N.
Notice.  Couples that are together for a while can get so used to each other, they lose track of the romance of noticing.  Greet each other warmly upon arriving and before leaving.  Take time to look, really look, into each other’s eyes and smile.  Notice the positive things about your partner and keep quiet about as many of the negative things as you can.  We are all human and have both strengths and weaknesses that show up in relationships.  It will do wonders for your romantic life.

T.
Thank.  Find something to thank your partner for each day.  It can be the everyday things, like, “…thank you for following the sanitation schedule and taking out the garbage and recyclables!”  Or, it can be a character thank you, like, “…thank you for showing your thoughtfulness by giving me space to unwind when you know I had a hard day.”  People appreciate being thanked.  When you focus on what you are thankful for, you focus less on what you might be critical about.

I.
Invigorate.  Now and then, find a way to energize and invigorate your relationship in ways different than your usual routine.  Do something special.  Go somewhere different.  Plan something big or creative.  Write a love note.  Craft a surprise.  It doesn’t have to be expensive.  In fact, often the no cost things that require time and effort are most appreciated and remembered.  Get to know your partner and let him/her get to know you in deeper ways.

N.
Neck.   At least, that’s what my parents used to call huggin’ n kissin’!  Connecting in physical and sexual ways bring enjoyment and renewal.   Take regular time to be together in intimate ways.  Prioritize couple time in your schedule, even if you have small children.   And, here’s a simple tip for each day:   Do you give your partner a quick goodbye or hello kiss when coming home or going out the door?  Add a few lingering seconds to those kisses.  It’s a simple sweet thing that says, “I love you.  You are important to me.”

E.
Enjoy.  You know those shirts with the slogan, Life is good?  Most of the people I see wearing them are also wearing smiles.  Having a close relationship with someone is a beautiful thing.  It is precious.  If you are in a committed relationship-enjoy it! 

Article reprinted from PATCH Scarsdale, NY in Tamera Schreur's weekly
E-motion column
http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/better-than-chocolate#photo-954721


What does she really want? Can I make him happy this year? What gift will delight her? Tension can arise both before the special day, as well as on Valentine’s Day if expectations – especially those not expressed out loud – are not met.



Finding the best gift for Valentine’s Day can be an elusive task.

What does she really want? Can I make him happy this year? What gift will delight her?  Tension can arise both before the special day, as well as on Valentine’s Day if expectations – especially those not expressed out loud – are not met.

“The Office,” a popular TV show that focuses on relationships, has a hilarious Feb. 14th episode where Phyllis gets everything she wants and more, including a six-foot teddy bear, while Pam sits stewing over the lack of even one gift from her boyfriend. Sure, most people like a nice gift, but what makes us really happy? Does giving a spectacular surprise on Valentine’s Day ensure happiness for you and your partner? 

 Believe it or not, people do study such things and the findings might not be popular at the confectionary or florist.  In their April 2010 article “Eavesdropping on Happiness,” researchers at the University of Arizona  found that one of the best gifts you can give is free. Yup, free.

What the researchers found is a link between happiness and spending time in deep conversation. Put simply, the researchers found that people who spend more time with others and more time in deep conversations have happier lives.  

The happiest participants had one third less small talk and twice as many substantive conversations. They indulged in deep conversation, not just chitchat consisting of phrases like “What’s for dinner tonight?” or “Are you going to pick up the kids, or should I?”

They shared richer, more meaningful information. You might compare it to a diet of humdrum snacks versus a diet that includes tantalizing gourmet food. Which sounds better to you? The researchers concluded that “people find their lives more worth living when examined—at least when examined together.”

So, back to Valentine’s Day. I’ve never seen this on a top ten list of best Valentine’s gifts to give, but wouldn’t it be sweet to give “Talk Coupons” for enticing talks together?

If this sounds too foreign for you or your partner’s taste, blend such a gift into a Valentine’s Dinner by including a few enriching questions while you’re having that special dinner. (Be ready for your partner to be surprised if your usual talk is primarily of the “lite” sort!) And then do it again next week, and the week after – you get the picture. 

It seems to be built into us to want to connect deeply with others. This does take work, though.  Work we often don’t prioritize.  It’s far too easy to get into daily patterns that leave little space for this. Juggling jobs, schedules and family is demanding. But don’t we all want to be happy? And don’t we want to have happy partners and families?  

So, try moving your conversation style up from snack level to gourmet! Make it a habit, just like other things that become part of your regular routine. Here are a few conversation appetizers to get you started: 

• If we could get out of winter and go someplace fun, where would it be?
• What things are important to you in creating a romantic evening?
• What things in life give you the most joy?
• What is the best way for me to encourage you?
• When do you feel the most loved?

Talk together more. Talk together deeply. Talk together often. Try it, and then let me know -- what do you think? Is it better than chocolate?