Category: Emotions

Listen to the Voices in Your Head

8/11/2015

Have you seen it? Pixar's newest release, Inside Out?
It's good, really good. Like, awesome. Pixar is great at humanizing things that aren't human, like toys, fish and rats. In this movie what is humanized? Well, emotions! And true to our expectations, Pixar does it with creative aplomb!

I'm recommending the movie for my clients, family, and friends.

It's not just a movie for kids! It's a movie for everyone. We don't get Emotions 101 in our school core curriculum. So, sometimes we miss out, or are delayed, in understanding some pretty important things about how our emotions work, how to take care of our emotions, how to make good choices when we feel a certain way, and how to connect to others emotionally in healthy ways. All pretty important stuff.

Not understanding our basic emotions and how to handle them in healthy ways can lead to lots of issues for individuals, for families, and for couples too. Even impact stuff at school and work and in our communities.

It's the sort of stuff that can blow up on us at times. The sort of blow up that can make you call a therapist for an emergency appointment!

Dealing with emotions is the stuff of life. For everyone. We all have a full range of emotions. Like the main character, Riley, in the movie, we all have joy, sadness, anger, fear and disgust. We all are impacted by our emotions. We all respond in various ways to our emotions. Most people "like" some of their emotions more than others. Riley sure does. Honoring our range of emotions makes us stronger as people. The movie is especially good at helping us understand the role and importance of sadness.

Sometimes people respond to their emotions in ways that aren't so healthy. Sometimes people aren't even aware of the connection between their thoughts and actions-- and the emotions going on inside them. I like to call it "Our Trio"--thinking, feeling, doing. Each of us tends to lead with one part of the trio. But we all do better if we connect each part with the other parts so our thoughts, feelings, and actions all connect and work together. Therapists like myself often work with people to better understand their emotional self and how it impacts things around them--and how to get the unhealthy emotional reaction stuff headed the other way, to healthier responses.

Inside Out is a fun, engaging and creative movie. AND, it deals with something really important--emotions. The movie handles this big topic with genius. And the movie is based on good science. All round, it's a win win.

It's pretty cool for me, as a therapist, to see some of this "help" stuff being looked at and promoted in a popular movie, especially one geared for all ages! I think this movie will influence kids (and grownups) to understand emotions better. And, that will lead to better relationships and healthier families. Movies become part of our lives and shape our culture, for better or for worse. This one is definitely for better!

Inside Out is a treasure. Go see it, or see it again!

Image by Rebekah Schott rebekahschott.com

More sadness...

4/16/2013

It's hard, ever so hard, to wrap our minds around tragedy. Especially senseless mean tragedy, like what happened yesterday at the Boston Marathon Finish Line.
Just at the point of triumph, just at the point of exhaustion, just at the point of reunion with loved ones, bombs exploded. Bombs hit, hurt, and killed.
The deaths and injury are terrible and sad. My heart goes out to the victims and the families of victims. When something like this happens, there is so much hurt, so much pain. The victims, of course, are hurt in the most horrific ways. I can't begin to really comprehend what it must be like for the injured today.

I was safely home in New York. Relaxing and stretching, actually, after my own run, albeit only a 5K. As soon as I found out about Boston, my heart started hurting, aching in outrage and sorrow.

I think there's hurt all round, for all of us who are hear about this type of violence, no matter where we live.

I'm wondering what else could happen. What else might happen.
I'm hurting for those who were hurt.
I'm feeling angry. I'm trying not to hate.
I'm feeling afraid.
I'm feeling concerned especially for children who hear about this, another killing. Another killing where a child dies.
I'm feeling confused, I just don't understand how someone could choose to do something like this.
I'm also feeling grateful, in a strange almost guilty way, that it didn't happen to me or to my family members. I take this abit personal, my sister was going to run, but didn't. I'm glad I could call her right up and hear her voice on the other side, safe.

I'm feeling all these things, and I wonder if you are too...

I'm a mental health professional and it's hard for me to put this all together, to get past this, to figure out what to say. It will take time. I reminded myself to take extra care of myself today, to be gentle with myself, because this kind of thing shakes me up. I remind you to try to do the same.

And, if you are parenting, keep your young children away from the news, especially any that includes video or photographs. Let them be kids and know as little as possible. So, turn the television off when they are around. We can get traumatized in a secondary way from hearing about tragedies, and this is something we can choose to avoid.

Today and throughout this week, I'm going to be deliberate in reaching out to others, even in small ways, to share comfort, and to get comfort myself. A smile here, a hug there, a conversation and kindness here and there.

It's a powerful way to stand up to violence.

It will also honor the victims of Boston.

I invite you to join me in doing so.

E-motion: Winterize Yourself!

1/18/2012

Were you surprised to see the ground covered with snow on Monday night? I was! Except for that freak snowstorm in October, we’ve gotten off easily this year. Maybe this week’s dusting of snow is a good reminder—we ARE in wintertime.

Many people tell me their mood plummets in winter. We can feel sluggish; get lethargic and, have less spark during these cold dark days between January and March. We might find ourselves less getting into more arguments, feeling frustrated, getting annoyed more easily, or not able to accomplish things. Our emotional well-being can suffer in winter. In addition, colds and flu run rampant making everything harder.

Think about it.

·        We have less light and sunshine for months at a time

·        We stay inside and get less fresh air

·        We drink less water

·        We do fewer things and have fewer social interactions

If you live with others, especially children, multiply the effects!

What about you? Do you get the winter blues? How does it look for you? For your family?

We do a variety of things to get our homes and cars ready for winter. Is there anything we can do to winterize ourselves emotionally? Well, just asking the question is a good start.

Of course, everyone is different. So, first off, check in with yourself and your family members.

If you get through winter just fine with no real differences emotionally from summer, then you’re doing fine! Enjoy it. But, if winter means you hunker down and struggle to get through, here are a few ideas to try.

Maximize the positives. Do things each week that perk you up. Figure it out for you. Everyone is different. What makes you feel good? Music? Books? Movies? Time with friends? Make sure you schedule some extra time to enjoy these things.   If you have a spell in winter that you notice your mood sinking lower, add some more time enjoying the things on your list. Make sure you include some positive upbeat choices.

Minimize the negatives. Figure out what is hardest about winter for you.   Think about small changes that would impact these things. For example, if you stay inside during winter because you are afraid of falling on ice, get a set of cleats (like Yaktrax) and wear them. If you hunker down and spend most of your free time alone in winter, call up a friend or try out a class that interests you. Make a plan for yourself early in winter, not later. Prevention is always a good choice.

Get away if you can. Go someplace with more sunshine. Go someplace where you can enjoy being outside and more active. When you return from your trip, enlarge a few of your favorite photos to put up in rooms where you spend a lot of time. Put one up on your phone and computer. If you can’t get away, put some pictures of favorite places up anyways! What you look at matters.

Bring something living and green into your home or apartment. A green plant or a spring bulb. It might sound strange, but try growing sprouts or wheatgrass. It’s a great project for kids and super for health.

Get out with friends and laugh together.

Take advantage of sunny days. Step outside, even for a few minutes.

Look for the positive. For example, on a windy day, notice the beauty of the cloud shapes flying across the blue sky.

Spend more time being grateful for what you have rather than longing for what you don’t have. This is good advice, no matter what season!

Please note, some people suffer from severe depression or seasonal affective disorder and need professional treatment. If you have severe or prolonged symptoms, please seek a professional evaluation.

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-winterize-yourself

E-motion: Remembering Together

9/7/2011

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-remembering-together

What do you remember from 9-11-01? I would think any of you age 15 or older can instantly give the precise details on where you were, what you were doing, and how you heard about the tragedies.

The date is embedded in US history unlike any other. It marks a trauma for us as a nation. Our New York skyline is not the same. And, we are not the same.

Some of us lost a loved one. Many of us know someone who lost a loved one. 1 World Trade Center is all too close to us here in Scarsdale, NY. Our hearts still ache.

There are many things that traumatize people. War, atrocities like rape, accidents, violence, abuse, severe illness, and bullying are traumatizing. A trauma usually happens without warning. We feel unprepared and powerless to prevent it. After a trauma we are left feeling frightened, vulnerable, and helpless. People often experience both emotional and physical symptoms such as;

· Emotional:

anger, fear, trouble concentrating, sadness, irritability, hate, and numbness.

· Physical:

fatigue, tension, aches, insomnia, high startle reflex, and nightmares.

Traumas are more often experienced in an individual manner. You may have a car accident, or find out you have cancer. Ten years ago we experienced a trauma as individuals and as a large collective group—as Americans together. Really, the whole world experienced September 11, but if you are an American, like I am, the impact is deep and personal.

Anniversaries are times when trauma symptoms can re-surface. Media images and sounds of the traumatic events of 9-11 can bring us back in a visceral way. For some, this can trigger the emotional or physical symptoms experienced in the past. Be especially mindful of this happening for teens who were small children at the time of the attack.

This week our nation is filled with thousands of events to commemorate the ten year anniversary. Anniversaries are a good time to reflect back, contemplate the present, and to look ahead. They are a time to note our progress in healing. Staying full of pain, hatred or fear is not good. Opening ourselves to calm, joy and love again is hard, but important.

We’ll probably never get over 9-11. But we can continue working to get through it.

We all heal in different ways, and at different speeds. Help from a professional trauma expert is advised when symptoms are severe or healing does not progress. No matter what we personally experienced, we can all note that we are collectively ten years beyond that infamous date.

I hope you aren’t in the same emotional place as you were ten years ago. I hope you have been able to move towards healing in various ways, even if you experienced the deep personal loss of a loved one. One of the ways we move further along on the healing continuum is to tell our story. Everyone has their story about 9-11. We are hearing so many of them during this ten year anniversary of remembering.

I encourage you to take time this week to tell your story to someone. And listen carefully if others choose to share their story with you.

Here’s the thing though, don’t tell your story to just anyone. Choose someone you trust and feel connected to. Pick someone who is empathetic and caring. Make sure you both have ample time for the conversation and won’t be hurried. If you are listening, try not to interrupt or interject parts of your story. Sometimes that can turn into a type of competition where neither person gets fully listened to. If you are the one someone asks to be their listener, give the gift of truly listening. Time for the telling of your story can come later, or with a different person.

Working with a trauma expert is certainly advised for those severely impacted. But a good friend, relative, colleague, or spiritual advisor can be just right for many. Tell more than the facts of where you were, or how you knew one of the victims. Dig a little deeper into your emotional remembering place and talk about your feelings too. Reflect slowly and personally. Let yourself remember your personal mix of feelings, when you first heard about the attacks, later that day when we found out more, and even how you felt days, weeks, or months after September 11, 2001.

As you dig through the feelings, perhaps going deeper than before, keep one thing firmly in your mind. It is today, not ten years ago. While you remember and reflect, stay grounded in the present. Staying grounded in this way helps lessen the emotional impact of our trauma. And that takes us a step further in healing.

It can also be helpful to come together with others for collective tribute and time of remembering. We have various opportunities in our region. Many houses of worship are offering special services or events. Perhaps you want to go to Ground Zero. I encourage you to join others in person. It would be easy to just watch an anniversary event on TV, but there is nothing like being shoulder to shoulder with another person. The experience is quite different and can have a strong emotional impact and healing.

One of the ways we got through 9-11-01 is by coming together and supporting each other. It’s also one of the best ways to commemorate the anniversary, ten years later on 9-11-11.

E-motion: What's in Your Toolbox?

7/27/2011

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-whats-in-your-toolbox

Last year my son gave me a nifty alarm clock. This clock projects time and temperature onto the ceiling in bright red numerals. You need only peek an eye open to know it’s; “time to get up”, or “go ahead and grab a few more winks.” In moments of greater lucidity, you can note the outside temperature and plan what to wear, all before moving a muscle.

This past week I avoided looking at those red numbers. Not because I didn’t want to find out the time, rather, I didn’t want to be reminded how blasted hot it was outside!

The New York Times got it right when writer N.R. Kleinfield said the 104 degree heat created, “instant dripping wretchedness.”

I didn’t like it. No one did.

But we got through it, didn’t we? And, today my delightful clock read a welcoming 67 degrees. I looked at it with both eyes open and a smile on my face. With our short weather memory banks, the heat wave almost seems a thing of the past. Of course, August is around the corner…

We faced something we didn’t like, something quite unpleasant, and we got through it. And we will again. How’d we do that?

We found ways to cope.

Some of us jumped in pools, even fully clothed. My creative photographer, Beka Schott of Mod Photography, had the right idea for this week’s cool photo shoot! Some of us stayed inside with the AC on high. One of my friends put up a snowy winter screensaver for distraction. We found ways to get through, to cope.

Coping is all about finding ways to make the best of difficult things.

It’s not just the weather that we need to cope with. Life is tough at times. Everyone faces tough times, even our kids. We assume negative things, like heat, loss of job, illness, accident or death will be stressful to deal with. We don’t as often consider that even positive changes like starting college, moving to a new bigger place, or welcoming a baby can increase our stress too.

It’s helpful once in a while to step back from your life and take inventory of your coping skills. How do you cope? Do you have a variety of coping strategies to use?

Let’s use the comparison of a well outfitted toolbox. You need a variety of tools to be effective with repairs. There’s a lot you can fix with a hammer, set of wrenches, a few screwdrivers, and pliers. But, if you only had a hammer, you would be out of luck for fixing things that need, say, a wrench. We need a variety of coping tools to meet life’s challenges. We need a full toolbox with a generous mix of coping tools for good balance in life. We’re all different, but balance is a good thing for everyone.

There are hundreds of coping tools that people use. Many can be put into two categories, either emotionally focused or solution focused. Take a look at these two types, described below. Which ones do you tend to use?

When faced with something difficult in life do you:

·       Try to put a positive spin on things?

·       Keep your sense of humor even in a tough situation?

·       Get inspiration from remembering someone who has it worse than you?

·       Do an extra-long workout to feel better?

These are examples of emotional focused coping tools. They don’t really change the stressful situation. They change our perception of the situation and/or our emotions. And that is powerful. They are especially helpful for those times when we really can’t change the situation we find ourselves in, whether it be hot weather, or severe health diagnosis. Emotionally focused coping tools help us calm down and get in a better place.

Or,when faced with something difficult do you:

·       Seek out more information about the problem or stress?

·       Make a list of how to attack the problem?

·       Consult with others for solutions?

·       Work to modify your behavior or the situation you are in?

These are examples of solution focused strategies. They are aimed at changing the situation that is causing the stress. If you change the situation itself or change your part in the situation, the stress level changes too. Solution focused strategies are vital to learn and use.

Maybe you do some of both. That’s actually good for balance, and good for coping.

When we are stressed out our bodies and minds go into hyper drive. To cope, we first have to settle ourselves down. Emotional focused strategies help most here. When we are calm emotionally we are in a better place to use the tools of solution focused strategies for those situations where we can make changes.

Emotional focused tools and solution focused tools are both positive ways to cope.

There’s another category too, negative tools. Think of these as tools that, in the short run, seem to help, but in the long run don’t help at all. They can even make things worse. These negative strategies are like cheap tools you might pick up at the five and dime. Any handyman or handywoman will tell you “buy good quality, not cheap tools.” Examples of cheap fixes or negative coping tools are: denial, self-medicating by substance abuse, helplessness, or self-blame. If these are your main coping tools, your toolbox needs an overhaul.

So, take a look at your coping toolbox. What’s in it? What tools for coping do you use most? Is it time to discard any useless tools you’ve been holding on to? Would you benefit from expanding your tool box to include more quality coping tools?

Listen to the Voices in Your Head

More sadness...

E-motion: Winterize Yourself!

E-motion: Remembering Together

E-motion: What's in Your Toolbox?

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