Category: Children

Listen to the Voices in Your Head

8/11/2015

Have you seen it? Pixar's newest release, Inside Out?
It's good, really good. Like, awesome. Pixar is great at humanizing things that aren't human, like toys, fish and rats. In this movie what is humanized? Well, emotions! And true to our expectations, Pixar does it with creative aplomb!

I'm recommending the movie for my clients, family, and friends.

It's not just a movie for kids! It's a movie for everyone. We don't get Emotions 101 in our school core curriculum. So, sometimes we miss out, or are delayed, in understanding some pretty important things about how our emotions work, how to take care of our emotions, how to make good choices when we feel a certain way, and how to connect to others emotionally in healthy ways. All pretty important stuff.

Not understanding our basic emotions and how to handle them in healthy ways can lead to lots of issues for individuals, for families, and for couples too. Even impact stuff at school and work and in our communities.

It's the sort of stuff that can blow up on us at times. The sort of blow up that can make you call a therapist for an emergency appointment!

Dealing with emotions is the stuff of life. For everyone. We all have a full range of emotions. Like the main character, Riley, in the movie, we all have joy, sadness, anger, fear and disgust. We all are impacted by our emotions. We all respond in various ways to our emotions. Most people "like" some of their emotions more than others. Riley sure does. Honoring our range of emotions makes us stronger as people. The movie is especially good at helping us understand the role and importance of sadness.

Sometimes people respond to their emotions in ways that aren't so healthy. Sometimes people aren't even aware of the connection between their thoughts and actions-- and the emotions going on inside them. I like to call it "Our Trio"--thinking, feeling, doing. Each of us tends to lead with one part of the trio. But we all do better if we connect each part with the other parts so our thoughts, feelings, and actions all connect and work together. Therapists like myself often work with people to better understand their emotional self and how it impacts things around them--and how to get the unhealthy emotional reaction stuff headed the other way, to healthier responses.

Inside Out is a fun, engaging and creative movie. AND, it deals with something really important--emotions. The movie handles this big topic with genius. And the movie is based on good science. All round, it's a win win.

It's pretty cool for me, as a therapist, to see some of this "help" stuff being looked at and promoted in a popular movie, especially one geared for all ages! I think this movie will influence kids (and grownups) to understand emotions better. And, that will lead to better relationships and healthier families. Movies become part of our lives and shape our culture, for better or for worse. This one is definitely for better!

Inside Out is a treasure. Go see it, or see it again!

Image by Rebekah Schott rebekahschott.com

How to be Crankier

3/23/2015

I'm a big advocate of putting the cell phone away when you are with those you love and care about. Cell phones are great--and important these days, but can get in the way of things we really want in our lives. Things like

good connecting with our kids and partners
quality time together
feeling special to someone
showing others you love them

The reality is we show and grow these things most of all by our behavior--what we DO. It's what we DO that matters as much, and oftentimes more, far more, than what we SAY.

Research from Boston Medical Center came out this month and shows that, not only are we missing time and connection opportunities when we are on our phones, our attitudes are impacted in negative ways! Basically, the study showed that parents become irritable and crankier with their kids when using a cell phone. The "distracting allure" of the phone takes over and makes you crankier when interrupted by your child. That's a wake up call!

If that's true for parents and children, how about partners and spouses
The article is here:

http://time.com/14953/parents-who-use-smartphones-in-front-of-their-kids-are-crankier/?xid=fbshare

I'm really glad I read it. It's made me think--and work to change some of my cell phone habits when I'm with those I love and care about most. You might want to read and share it too!

FAMILY TIME. SCREEN TIME. GREAT ARTICLE.

10/29/2013

I think this is a must read for everyone!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/04/ways-screens-are-ruining-your-familys-life_n_3860927.html8 Ways Screens Are Ruining Your Family's LifePosted: 09/04/2013 8:09 am EDT | Updated: 09/05/2013 4:27 pm EDT

The link is above, the article is below:

For her new book, The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and FamilyRelationships in the Digital Age, Catherine Steiner-Adair EdD -- a clinical instructor in the department of psychiatry at Harvard, a school consultant, and a therapist in private practice -- interviewed more than one thousand children between the ages of 4 and 18 to find out how technology was impacting their relationships and their social and emotional lives. What Steiner-Adair discovered was neither surprising, nor comforting: Technology is becoming a kind of “co-parent;” too much screen time is impeding childhood development; and parents’ obsession with their devices is harming communication with their children and even fracturing families.

Just in time for back to school, The Huffington Post asked Steiner-Adair to tell us the eight essential things parents with children of all ages need to know about screens.

1. Don’t put your baby in front of a screen. Ever.

If you’re not convinced by the recommendation of the American Academy of Pediatrics, then consider this: “We don’t know yet the chemical interaction between asmartphone and a baby’s brain," says Steiner-Adair. One 2010 Danish study of 28,000 children found that exposure to cell phones before and after birth seemed to lead to an increased risk for behavioral problems. Beyond that, one of the most important skills a baby needs to learn, Steiner-Adair says, is how to calm herself down. “If you hand [a young child] a screen of any kind when they’re frustrated, you’re teaching them how not to self-soothe,” she says. “You’re handing them a stimulant. Your baby’s brain is brilliant and what it needs is good stimulation and soothing from you. You are the best app for your child.”

2. And think hard about putting your toddler in front of one, too.

“A child only has from 0-5 to develop neurologically what we call the sensorium -- that’s the part of the brain where pre-literacy, kinesthetic movement, and language development happens,” says Steiner-Adair. This kind of brain development takes place through outdoor play, building, dancing, skipping, coloring -- all activities involving multi-sensory engagement. This kind of healthy engagement is basically the opposite of passively swiping a finger across a screen, says Steiner-Adair. While she acknowledges that decent games and apps exist -- Steiner-Adair directs parents toCommon Sense Media’s website for recommendations -- she insists that replacing play “IRL” with play on a screen is not what children this age need.

3. Teachers can tell if your child is getting too much screen time.

Educators interviewed for Steiner-Adair’s book said that kids who spend too much time in front of screens play differently -- and less creatively -- than other children. Those who act out “Mario Brothers” or “Angry Birds” in the school yard aren’t tapping into their capacity to create their own narratives, says Steiner-Adair. “Instead of saying ‘look how high I can go’ when they’re on the swings, they say ‘look, I got to the next level!’” she says. Teachers also told the author that students who play a lot of video games don’t seem to have as much patience to sit still in the classroom, especially when they are being read to. “The capacity for attention doesn’t develop as well when kids are used to interacting with a screen that’s instantly gratifying, instantly stimulating, and provides them what the answers for the next level,” says Steiner-Adair.

4. Your kids hate your screens.

Steiner-Adair says that what came up again and again during her interviews with hundreds of kids was how frustrated, sad and angry they were about having to compete with screens for their parents’ attention. “Children hate it when their parents pick them up and are on their phones and don’t even turn to say, ‘Hi honey, how was your day?’ Instead they’re giving them the shhh one minute signal which basically says ‘you’re not as important to me as whoever this other person on the phone is.’ Car rides to and from school as well as dinner, bath and reading time -- parents should be present and phone-free for all of these daily rituals, she says. “Kids do not need our undivided attention all day long, but they do in those real-life moments of talking and reading and doing the hard work of parenting -- dealing with meltdowns, teaching them how to pick up their clothes.” The bottom line: If you think your kids don’t notice that you’re distracted, you’re deluding yourself. One of Steiner-Adair’s subjects told her, “I miss the olden days when families were more important.”

5. Just because we can be connected to work 24/7 doesn’t mean we shouldbe.

Many parents argue that part of why they’re plugged in during family time is because they feel they have to be available to their employers. “You either sacrifice being a good mother or father and the very limited time you have to raise your children -- or you sacrifice and risk your job to support your ability to live,” says Steiner-Adair. “This is not healthy for anybody and it’s a no-win choice.” Being constantly on call or being afraid of missing something if you don’t check your work email means you’re preoccupied and stressed when you should be enjoying your family. Steiner-Adair says that if the modern workplace is ever going to change, parents must ask employers for modulated schedules and speak up about their need to unplug.

6. Screens aren’t good for your marriage. And that’s not good for your kids.

Steiner-Adair asks parents to answer this question honestly: “First thing in the morning, do you roll over in bed and look at your phone and scroll through it -- or do you roll over and cuddle your partner?” Kids are acutely aware of their parents’ disengagement from each other. In her interviews with children, many spoke to Steiner-Adair about their parents’ constant bickering over screen rules (such as no phones at the table) and said that they view their parents as hypocrites when they see them flouting the family guidelines they’ve set up. “Kids see parents talking to each other about something important and then one of them answers a call mid-conversation,” she says. “One parent has dropped the other parent. What does it say to kids about how we connect to the people we love the most?”

7. In order to be a good parent, you need to take care of yourself.

“Adults use screens the same way kids do -- to avoid interaction and to avoid relying on our own inner resources," says Steiner-Adair. Increasingly when parents have a few minutes to recharge they are using that time to browse Facebook, send texts, etc. “It’s so much easier than picking up a magazine or putting your feet up on the couch and having a mini moment of relaxation -- or going for a walk and getting some fresh air-- all these things that we know actually make us feel better.” Some parents may feel that browsing Instagram or scanning the news is actually a calming way to take a break, but Steiner-Adair is skeptical. “Checking your email is not relaxing,” she says. ”Holding a tiny little hand held screen is not visually relaxing.”

8. Sorry, but you really don’t know what your kids are doing online. But that doesn’t mean you should give up trying.

Steiner-Adair points to a June 2013 McAfee study, “Digital Deception: Exploring the Online Disconnect Between Parents and Kids,” as evidence that parents are often clueless about what their kids are doing online -- and says that their ignorance is seriously harming their kids. Among the study’s findings: 80 percent of parents don’t know how to check up on what their kids are doing online. Not only that, 74 percent “simply admit defeat and claim that they do not have the time or energy to keep up with their children and hope for the best,” according to the study’s authors. But Steiner-Adair says defeat is not an option when you consider all of the damaging content kids can easily stumble upon online. While interviewing kids for her book, Steiner-Adair says, several teen boys asked her questions about sexual scenes they’d seen online. “They would say, ‘can you help me understand why a woman would want to be choked while having sex? Why would she want to be peed on?’” Indeed, the McAfee study found that over 57 percent of 13-23 year olds use the Internet to search sexual topics while only 13 percent of parents believe they do.

But Steiner-Adair sees hope in at least one of the McAfee stats: Nearly half of the teens surveyed said they would change their online behavior if they knew their parents were watching. “This means we can have an impact,” Steiner-Adair says. In addition to making sure that all computer use is done in a public place in the home, Steiner-Adair recommends that parents and kids sign an agreement that clearly states acceptable and unacceptable online behavior – and post it prominently. “The reason you’re supposed to sign it and post it is to remind kids, but also so that when other kids come over it makes it easier for your child to say, ‘oh no, I’ll get in too much trouble if I go to that site. See, I have the worst parents in the word," Steiner-Adair says. “That’s what you want your kids to say. You want to be that worst parent in the world.”

E-motion: Back to School Blues

9/21/2011

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-back-to-school-blues

Edgemont and Scarsdale have excellent schools for children. But some kids have trouble adjusting, no matter how good the school is. By now you know if you have a child who is adjusting easily or if you have one who isn’t. One group of parents is thankful and relaxed as the school day starts, the other group tense and wary.

Here are a few suggestions, in case you are still trying to solve the conundrum of adjustment.

Be positive and caring with your child.   It is a big deal for a child to go to a new classroom, have a new teacher, new school, new expectations, new routines, and new students around. Some children need extra time to adjust. Shy children, sensitive children, or children who have complicated things going on in their lives (family problems, marital struggles, recent move, etc.) are especially apt to need extra time to adjust smoothly.

·        Acknowledge the negative emotions.

·        Normalize the struggle.

·        Talk positively with your child overall.

Say something like, “I know you feel sad and a little scared sometimes at school. Sometimes it takes a while to get used to new things and have those sad and scared feelings go away. That’s ok. Let’s also remember that you have a great school and one of the best teachers around.   And, you’ve already made a new friend.”

Being positive with your child includes monitoring what they might overhear you saying to someone else. A child has fine-tuned antennae that immediately pick up the smallest of parental signals. I call them “Mickey Mouse Ears.   It won’t match if they hear you being positive with them and then telling your friends negative things about school.

Stay calm yourself.   Your stress and anxiety will be noticed by your child. Sometimes children reflect the struggle of a parent who is ambivalent about letting the child go to school. It can be a big deal for parents too. Take care of yourself and do what you need to stay in a positive and calm place emotionally. Drop off and pick up are the most critical times. If you can’t manage to do either or both in a calm positive manner, enlist help from your spouse, friend or relative. Often children will behave quite differently with the other parent or a close friend.

Remind your child how he/she adjusted positively in the past. Think of something, large or small, that was hard for your child and how he/she overcame it. Talk about it together and help reinforce the idea that your child has resources inside to use to help get through the adjustment difficulties. Ask your child what would help (other than not going to school!). Often a certain part of the day is hardest for a child; for example, drop off, lunch, or recess.   It may be a big thing that bothers him/her, or it may be a smaller thing. From a child’s perspective, it all matters. Brainstorm together about how to solve the most worrisome part. Ask, “What would make (fill in the blank) time easier for you?” Try to help your child be as specific as possible in being part of formulating a positive plan of action.   Saying simply, “Tomorrow will be better” is not as effective as “Tomorrow I’ll look for my new friend and go over and show him my new lunchbox after you drop me off.”

Get your child up 20 minutes earlier.   School mornings can be full of rushing, pushing and parental commands. “Do this, remember that, finish now, etc.” A frantic start leads to high stress. High stress increases the likelihood of problems throughout the day. Prepare things the night before, get everyone to bed on time, and get your child up 20 minutes earlier in the morning.   A calm more relaxed start will positively influence the whole day.

Work with the school. Struggles the first week back to school are fairly common, especially for smaller children. If the struggles go into the second week and beyond, ask to meet with your child’s teacher, without the child present. Try to find out more specifics about the school side of the struggle, and share more specifics with the school from the home side. Your child is likely new to the teacher, so help the teacher know more about him/her. Let the teacher know about any unique situations or special needs. It will make the picture clearer for both of you.   Remember, most teachers have dealt with this issue repeatedly and will have valuable wisdom to share. Consult a professional if problems are severe or simply do not abate.

Come up with a good plan and see it through. School adjustment tantrums are so public, sometimes embarrassingly big, and the child’s distress so acute that a parent can feel desperate to eliminate the problem.   Sometimes parents grab at straws trying one fix and then another, rapidly in succession, including pulling a child out of school or changing schools within the first few weeks. Remember, solutions can take time. Try not to get overwhelmed. Stay hopeful, calm, and as clear headed as you can.   Although you are the expert on your child, working together with experienced school staff will help you develop a good plan of action. Don’t alter or give up on the plan too quickly. It might not work the first day you try it, or the second. That doesn’t mean it isn’t going to work.

E-motion: Sweet Relief

8/31/2011

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-sweet-relief

Just a week ago we were all bracing for the nightmare named Irene. And today, it seems very much a thing of the past.   Well, maybe you are one of the unlucky ones still getting water out of your basement or dealing with power outages, but, basically, aren’t we all full of relief that it wasn’t worse?

Sweet relief. Life hands us lots of things that are hard. Sometimes our expectations and worry are on target with what actually happens. Sometimes reality is worse.   But today, I’m grateful that Irene’s wallop turned out to be more of a slap, than a punch, for New York.

So, maybe you are wondering why you are feeling so tired out and exhausted. Maybe you or a family member is still feeling somewhat uneasy or worried. Maybe you are relieved, but finding yourself on edge and not able to concentrate.

That’s normal.

Even though Irene didn’t hit as hard as expected, we’ve just been through a crisis. Going through a crisis takes a toll emotionally. It’s kind of like a flooded river. Our emotions take a while to recede after they are flooded. Depending on how the storm impacted you personally, the level of emotional flooding may be moderate to high. It will take some time to get back to normal.

Much of our lives are planned to a tee. We have predictable routines, schedules, and expectations about how things will go. And then, a crisis or natural disaster comes along, and life turns into a wild storm we can’t control, no matter how much we want to, or how much money or influence we have.

As you recover from Irene, you are likely dealing with many things—getting power restored, filing an insurance claim, removing downed trees, or reassuring your children. Sadly, some along the eastern seaboard are dealing with the severity of loss of life or home.   Even people not in Irene’s path experienced a level of increased worry because the network coverage saturated the whole USA, and, indeed, the world.   Sadly, some along the eastern seaboard are dealing with severe crisis-- loss of life or home.

Give yourself permission to take time to get back to normal. Like Metro North service, it takes time to get back to normal. If you are parenting, it is especially important to remember that children may face continued fears or worry for some time to come. Children do not have the capacity to think like adults.    Small children may have trouble going to sleep, high anxiety any changes in weather, or not want to separate. Older children and teens may show signs of stress also with behavior or emotional changes. Tune in to your children and be ready to give them special care if needed. If things seem severe or don’t return to normal fairly soon, seeking help from a counselor or physician is in order. On top of getting over Irene, children and youth have another big event coming up soon—school starts. Any time we have several big events packed together, whether planned or unexpected, it is harder to manage. Make sure to give yourself and your children the help needed.

The Red Cross offers these suggestions for managing emotional recovery following a disaster:

·         Try to return to as many of your personal and family routines as possible.

·         Get rest and drink plenty of water.

·         Limit your exposure to the sights and sounds of disaster, especially on television, the radio and in the newspapers.

·         Focus on the positive.

·         Recognize your own feelings.

·         Reach out and accept help from others.

·         Do something you enjoy. Do something as a family that you have all enjoyed in the past.

·         Stay connected with your family and/or other support systems.

·         Realize that, sometimes, recovery can take time.

So, as we all recover, reach out and get any help you might need. Be an extra caring parent and/or neighbor. Be there for each other. Give thanks for what you have.

Going through the crisis of Irene was a unifying experience.   We can continue coming together to get past the crisis and back to full emotional strength.

E-motion: Get Ready for Irene, But Don't Freak Out The Kids!

8/27/2011

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-dont-freak-out-the-kids-in-preparing-for-irene

Whether New York escapes Hurricane Irene’s furry or not, we can’t escape being bombarded with news about her. Are you worried? Starting to panic? Stressed to the max? Watching the news non-stop?

Here’s my plea: Don’t freak out your kids. Protect them, regardless of their age, from all the stressing.

Why? Simply put, it can be traumatic for them.

That’s right, regardless of if your child ends up in the actual path of the storm, the anticipatory stressing can leave a trail of storm damage emotionally.   You are getting ready to handle the storm physically. Make sure you get ready to handle the storm emotionally too.

Here are a few tips:

Get your kids away from the television. That’s right, just turn it off.   By now, some children have already been watching hours and hours of storm forecasting. Each terrifying prediction, each scary video, and each worrisome analysis is taken as fact by children. Children are literal thinkers. Hearing and watching continual news hype is going to increase fear and create high levels of unneeded stress. Go ahead and check the news yourself as needed away from your children, but keep the kids out of it, even if they seem like they are drawn to it.

Stay calm. Your kids are going to take their cues from the adults around them. Do what you need to get ready, but try your best to stay calm while you do the needed preparations.

Do the preparations needed for your location, and then settle down and find something to take your mind off the hurricane.

Maintain routine as best as possible. Children thrive on routine.   Keep what routine you can in place for your children. It will provide a needed sense of calm and help the whole family relax during a stressful time.

Answer your child’s questions honestly, but with age appropriate information. Depending on your child’s age, they may be asking for simple reassurance or more in-depth details.   Limit what you say to just answering the question asked. Don’t overdo it. Check in about the feeling behind the question as well. Excessive questions may indicate your child is already highly stressed and seeking reassurance more than answers. Most of all, children need to know they will be taken care of.   You can’t control the storm’s path, but you can control the path of information your child receives.

Be positive. Yes, we’re facing a major storm with potential nightmare like damage. Keeping positive will go far towards helping your child avoid getting unnecessary nightmares or stress. Children need the adults in their lives to be in charge. You are in charge of keeping a positive atmosphere alive in your household during this stressful time. Reassure your child that you have handled things as needed and will take care of them.

Encourage play as usual. Play is the work of a child. Encourage your children to play, laugh, and relax. Get out some board games that don’t require electricity or batteries and play together. Keep the atmosphere light and adventuresome.

Take care of your teens too. It’s not just small children or elementary age children that are impacted. Teens will also benefit from being pulled away from the television, given reassurance, and encouraged to take their minds off the storm. Let them help with preparations but let them also be kids who can relax because they have adults who are in charge.

Using the above tips will help your children and you come through the storm in a calmer place. It will be better for all of you.

Free, but with High Value!

5/26/2011

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/free-but-with-high-value

Have you seen those Family Circus cartoons where Bil Keane shows the meandering path of Billy and Dolly having a multitude of adventures throughout the neighborhood or house? It’s kind of like a family Cirque du Soleil with dotted lines showing all the acrobatic twists and turns.

Billy and his siblings know how to play. It seems they spend time doing it every day.

How much time do your children get to play like Billy?

I often hear comments around Scarsdale and Edgemont that indicate our kids are overscheduled. We live in a community where achievement, even among the young, is highly valued. Achievement can mean lessons, tutoring and intense schedules. Focus on achievement is one of the reasons our community turns out so many outstanding young adults.

But how much time do your children get to play like Bil Keane’s characters? If play were a subject, would they get high achievement marks? I’m talking about free play, that unstructured, child-engineered, open-ended kind of time that many of us remember from our own childhoods when Mom or Dad said, “Go outside now, and play.”

Focus on free play is making a resurgence, and with good reason.

You might groan,“What, you mean, I have to worry about scheduling yet another thing for my child so he/she can be successful?! How am I going to fit that in?” But before you say that, I suggest we take a step back and simply take a look at the value of free play.

If free play was a business, their glossy ad might read like this:

“Want to boost your child’s competitive skills?

Looking to help your child succeed academically and make friends?

Want to ensure your child learns respect, cooperation, and creativity?

TRY FREE PLAY, an easy daily regimen that will delight your child.

Guaranteed positive results, unmatched by others.

Play helps kids develop skills they can’t get anywhere else.

Free Play is best. Call today for details.”

Sometimes, advertising claims are exaggerated. These claims aren't. Free play is that important!

Most parents trust the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP). Here’s what the AAP advises pediatricians to tell parents about the value of free play:

Pediatricians can promote free play as a healthy, essential part of childhood. They should recommend that all children are afforded ample, unscheduled, independent, non-screen time to be creative, reflect and decompress. They should emphasize that although parents can certainly monitor play for safety, a large proportion of play should be child-driven rather than adult-directed.
Pediatricians should emphasize the advantages of active play and discourage parents from the overuse of passive entertainment (e.g., television and computer games).
Pediatricians should emphasize that active, child-centered play is a time-tested way of producing healthy, fit young bodies.
Pediatricians can educate families regarding the protective assets and increased resiliency developed through free play and some unscheduled time.
Pediatricians can reinforce that parents who share unscheduled spontaneous time with their children and play with their children are being wonderfully supportive, nurturing, and productive.

http://www.aap.org/pressroom/playfinal.pdf

Did you know that the United Nations Higher Commission for Human Rights has declared play is the right of every child?

This right to play was declared largely as a reaction to child labor practices. Our concern in affluent American neighborhoods such as Scarsdale is not that we are putting our kids to work in the coal mines or sewing factories. We have a different set of issues that make it difficult to ensure that children get enough time for spontaneous child-directed play.

We’re simply too busy doing something else!

As you make summer plans for your family, why not consider scheduling plenty of free time for play? Put it on the calendar to ensure it happens! With nicer weather, bring back the outdoor world of childhood play. Let your child play in a free form, unstructured way on their own, and also with other children. That’s play away from video games, television screens and the Wii.

Did you catch AAP’s focus on how free play helps kids be more resilient? I recently heard a pediatrician say today’s highly scheduled kids are showing up in doctor’s offices with high incidents of anxiety, stress and depression. Play helps protect against those by increasing protective assets that both kids and adults need to do well in life.

So why not play together with your children each week as well? Schedule time to go to a playground together, take a walk in one of our great nature parks or make up a puppet show or silly game. Let your child guide the play and follow along. Laugh together. Spend time together with no agenda. Build cherished memories of love and affection shared through play.

It might take a while to get the hang of this if it’s not your usual pattern. Be patient. Relax and enjoy playing together this summer. Free play comes naturally when you let it unfold.

It will be good for the whole family.

Too Much Exposure?

3/16/2011

Reprinted from Scarsdale Patch weekly column
E-motion by Tamera Schreur
http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-too-much-exposure

Have you been feeling extra stressed this week?
Maybe it’s not connected to your job, personal life or family issues.
Maybe your exposure count is too high.

We are naturally drawn to television news when disaster strikes. It is hard to turn off the vivid images of death and destruction being played over and over. There’s almost an addictive quality to it, don’t you think? Bigger screens and the advent of high definition televisions make this even truer. It's almost like being at the scene.

This week, we are bombarded with images from Japan. It’s a three-fold disaster, including an earthquake, a tsunami and nuclear plant explosions. It is a horrific tragedy, and many in our area have close connections to the region. I encourage you to take the opportunity to reach out and help.

This is also an opportunity to get informed about another threat, one far less severe than what is happening in Japan, but significant all the same. This threat is of particular concern to our children, even though we live far from Japan.

What I’m talking about is the danger of overdosing on television news. Maybe that sounds like a strange or even silly concern to you. But stay with me a few minutes and consider this: is there such a thing as too much indirect exposure to a crisis?

Simply put, the answer is YES.

Current television news is unparalleled in immediacy and scope. The whole world comes close to us through TV. In America, we invite it into the most private rooms of our homes. And we welcome it in great amounts.

Count the televisions you have in your household. Count the number of people that live in your home. Which number is higher? And now, with internet video and smart phones, we can be continuously immersed in news reports.

According to expert Jessica Hamblen, PhD, and the Dart Center for Journalism and Trauma report, “Research generally finds an association between watching media coverage of traumatic events and stress symptoms.”

Too much exposure to graphic images of disaster and death can be linked to stress symptoms. These include feelings of helplessness, anxiety, trouble sleeping, and physical symptoms like stomachaches or headaches, increased irritability and more.

We can become caught in a cycle of helplessness, fear and worry. Will it happen here? Will I be hurt? Will my family be separated or injured? Indirect exposure of a disaster (watching it on television) can leave scars and interfere with normal life.

Go back with me to 9/11. It’s almost ten years past, but still very fresh. I did not see the Twin Towers fall with my own eyes, and I would think few of you did either. Or did we?

If I wasn’t there, why can I close my eyes and vividly “see” the second plane hit and “see” the towers implode into massive clouds of dust? Can you do the same?

How about your kids, if they are old enough? It’s because we saw it over and over again on the television. Many children in my counseling practice showed signs of significant anxiety and stress for months and even years following the attacks. Even now, in 2011, people have flashbacks.

People with pre-existing anxiety issues, young children, and those who have experienced a similar trauma in the past are most vulnerable to being negatively impacted. Stress can be raised to a dangerous level.

I like this simple quote from Esther Sternberg, MD, a leading stress researcher and the chief of neuroendocrine immunology and behavior at the National Institute of Mental Health, “Like email and email spam, a little stress is good but too much is bad; you'll need to shut down and reboot…"

You can put some things in place to keep exposure levels safe in your household.

Limit or stop watching television coverage of a disaster, especially in the evening before going to sleep.
The younger your child is, the more important these limits are. No exposure is best for small children.
Stay informed with alternative news sources like written materials or radio that do not have disturbing images replayed over and over.
Keep routines in place and maintain healthy practices. They lower stress, energize and comfort.
If you are a parent and allow your children to watch coverage on television, watch with them. Talk with them. Be aware of developmental differences. For example, small children may think something is happening again when they see a replay of it. Ask about their thoughts and feelings about what is happening. Answer their questions. Help them with any confusion or misunderstanding. Children thrive on predictability and security. Children will be looking for comfort and reassurance. Give these in generous amounts.
Get professional help if stress levels become too high and/or do not go away.
Channel your concerns into finding a way to help the victims. It is great to come together as a family, congregation, school or community to provide help.

Pot of Gold at the Oscars

3/2/2011

Reprinted from Scarsdale Patch
E-motion weekly column by Tamera Schreur

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/pot-of-gold-at-the-oscars

Ready for blue skies? Read on for a life lesson taught by a group of fifth graders that will brighten any day.

I’m quite taken by the unstoppable kids from PS 22 in Staten Island. They received the final applause at the Academy Awards Ceremony on Monday evening with their expressive rendition of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" from the 1939 movie "The Wizard of Oz." Here they were, fifth graders from a public school in Staten aweing that star-studded audience. There are some outstanding singers in the group, like there are right here in our schools, but what is sky rocketing this group to such fame? New York magazine called them “the best known elementary school chorus on the planet.” If you missed seeing them, plug "PS 22 choir Oscars" into a search engine right now!

We can’t ignore the power of going viral. The Internet has certainly worked its magic for them. They also have a great leader. Gregg Breinberg, or Mr. B as he’s affectionately called, is an outstanding choral director. But setting these things aside, I have to ask, what is making them a sensation? What prompted all those high fives from Anne Hathaway? Why do people love them so much?

It seems to me it’s how they are in touch with their feelings. They’re alive, vigorous, exuberant, tender, raw, soulful, earnest and passionate. I could keep going with adjectives that we don’t often use to describe fifth grade singers. Being authentic with feelings makes these kids’ singing alive and vigorous. If you watch a few more clips of them online you’ll see they have an incredible emotional range. Mr. B calls them “fully expressed.” I think it’s their pot of gold. And it shines brightly.

These are kids who haven’t had many rainbows in their lives. Statistics about the school show that many of the students come from struggling families. Nearly 70 percent qualify for lunch assistance. “There are kids who come from places where I wish I could just physically move them somewhere else,” Breinberg says. Many of the children in the chorus have seen a lot of difficulties in their ten or eleven years of life. And yet, they are the ones who walked the red carpet this week. Some of them even got to hold one of the coveted gold Oscars.

These kids and this teacher are inspiring. I’m sure their success promotes keeping arts as an integral part of the public school curriculums. They can prompt all of us to work hard and follow our dreams. But, if I may, I’d like to suggest we let these kids inspire us to get more in touch with our feelings and express them in healthy ways.

Mr. B tells the kids, “Don’t fake it, you should feel it.”

Learn to recognize your feelings and express them in healthy ways. The basic ones are Sad, Mad, Glad and Afraid. But we can add nuance with others like satisfied, relaxed, tender, rebellious, determined, optimistic, hesitant, humiliated, mournful or frisky. Work to expand your feeling vocabulary.

Take a few moments throughout the day to do a "feelings check." Sit or stand quietly, take a few slow breaths. Notice what is inside you. Focus on how different parts of your body feel. Turn your attention inward. Ask yourself how you are feeling and notice what comes to mind. Let your feelings be just as they are. You might readily know how your feelings connect to things going on in your life. You might not. That’s ok.

Some feelings are pleasant and easy to feel. Others are unpleasant and tough. Some feelings make us want to lash out or do something we’ll later regret. We can learn how to control our responses to our feelings rather than be controlled by the feeling. Teaching our children and teens this skill is also important. We can find healthy ways to express our feelings, like making music! Life and relationships are fuller when we have, like the PS 22 chorus kids, an incredible emotional range.

The blog site Breinberg set up for his choir headlines this quote: “When you do what you love, things can happen for you.” That’s pretty good advice for all of us. What rainbows and blue sky might be waiting for us if we embrace our feeling as fully as Mr. B and the PS 22 kid’s choir?

Shared Meals, Shared Lives: The Importance of Family Dinner

2/23/2011

Reprinted from Scarsdale Patch weekly E-motion article by Tamera Schreur
http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/shared-meals-shared-lives-the-importance-of-family-dinner

Worried about your child's grades? Want to do something to keep your teen on track and out of trouble? Take a look at one simple act that can make a profound difference.

Lots of families have increased time together this week during Winter Recess. Perhaps your family is enjoying a winter get away to the beach (that’s where I would go!) or to the ski slopes. Have you had some nice time to sit together around a table for a meal and conversation? If so, you’re doing a good thing. Perhaps even a better thing than you realize! Family meals matter.

As far back as 50 years ago, researchers looked at the results of family routines, such as family meals, for children’s well-being. Prominent institutions like Syracuse University, Georgetown and Harvard have come out citing the benefits of having regular family times together around a table of food. Even our first president’s diaries describe the good cheer produced from shared mealtimes. More recently, we’ve seen some excellent books that bring together the research with the practical applications we need to make it work for our overtaxed American families.

Here’s an appetizing sampler of quotes from some of today’s family meal spokespersons:

“Basically, everything a parent worries about can be improved by the simple act of sitting down and sharing a meal.” - Laurie David, producer and author of "The Family Dinner: Great Ways to Connect with Your Kids One Meal At A Time," 2010 (also available on Kindle).
“Better grades, healthier eating habits, closer relationships to parents and siblings, ability to resist negative peer pressure, resilience in the face of life's problems — all these are outcomes of simply sharing dinner on a regular basis… Experts everywhere agree: sharing meals helps cement family relationships, no matter how you define 'family.'" - Miriam Weinstein, author of "The Surprising Power of Family Meals: How Eating Together Makes Us Smarter, Stronger, Healthier and Happier," 2005.
“The big picture is that family meals, and especially dinner, are the single most important activity that parents can do to enhance the life of their children.” Dr. William Doherty, master family therapist and author of numerous books on improving family life, including "The Intentional Family: How to Build Family Ties in Our Modern World," 1997.

That’s really pretty cool, isn’t it? What’s not to like?

I don’t think liking is the problem. We go to great lengths to give our children opportunities and advantages. This research shows very likable advantages. It’s the doing that gets in the way. How come? Well, our lives have gotten busy and complicated. Most parents, and even teens, are often tired. Oh, and have you ever had an unpleasant family meal when the baby is crying, the toddler got hungry hours before, the school age kids don’t like what you serve, or the teen, well, the teen would rather stay upstairs with the computer and phone? It’s not exactly something that encourages trying again.

Okay, the goal here isn’t to make you feel guilty. That is rarely helpful in producing change. Plenty of parents have seen this research, feel a little or a lot of guilt, try to make changes, find the challenge too hard, and go back to life as usual with meals on the run and everyone scattered according to their diverse work and activity schedule. But change is possible. And worth it! Here are my practical tips:

Share the research results and let them pave the way for you. Your kids might get excited about this easy way towards academic success and less stress! Brainstorm ideas together.
Start where you are. Start small. Start manageable. One step at a time is good advice.
Keep at it. Stay hopeful. Focus on what you can do, not what you aren’t doing.
Weinstein suggests that we remember that supper isn’t really the point. Shared nourishment and connection as a family is the real goal. Put your efforts there.
The most gain comes when the family meal is enjoyable and includes talking together. Tell jokes, talk about the funny thing the family pet did today, your favorite commercial, the ideal family vacation, what your favorite part of the day was, etc.
Loose the electronics (TV, cell phones, video games, etc) during the meal. All of them. Everyone’s. Including Mom’s and Dad’s iPhones. Really.
Carve out and schedule the time to prioritize family meals. Our calendars show what’s important to us. Too busy already? Consider this—how did we find the minutes and hours we now spend texting, talking and tweeting?

There’s a lot more to say, but, you’re busy, right?! So chew on this quote from Weinstein to close:

“Families are people who nourish each other, spend time together [and] care about each other travel together through time. We need to eat several times a day. Linking that need with being together is a simple, direct way to strengthen our ties with our loved ones…Family life is rarely perfect, but some things can be pretty darn good. Sharing conversation and food with those we care about can be one of life's continuing joys.”