Published in Scarsdale Patch News March 30, 2011

The sun finally came out!  We were desperate for some good outdoor exercise.  So we got on our bikes and rode north on the Bronx River bike path.  Mind you, we were wearing winter gear for this spring ride, as it was only 42 degrees.  But, heh, we’d liberated our bikes from their winter storage, and we felt liberated too.  It’s a pretty nice ride along the river, if you tune out the cars rushing by alongside. 

We cruised along, felt carefree and almost silly with spring delights.

We ended up in Valhalla facing the immense Kensico stone dam and reservoir, a water source for New York City.  And there it was, in startling counterpoint to the dam, a lofty 80 foot steel memorial to Westchester victims of September 11, swaying slightly in the wind.  The eye catching monument, “The Rising,” memorializes the 112 people of Westchester County who died.  You can literally walk into the heart of this shimmering memorial.  I think its creator, Frederic Schwartz, intended just that kind of connection for visitors.  Really, you don’t just view this memorial-- you experience it.  If you haven’t been there yet, it’s worth a trip, by bike or by car.  Take the kids and grandparents.  Uncles and aunts too.

At first, I resisted stopping my bike to take a closer look.  I didn’t want to lose the invigoration of my bike ride to focus on tragedy, terrorism and death.  I thought I would cruise right on by and think of it as a cool sculpture.  I wanted to block out the negative reason for its existence.  But I did stop.  And I was inspired.  Invigorated even.  You see, all around the base of this sculpture are quotations about life, and love, and meaning.  Each victim’s family was invited to add text about their loved one to be forever etched in granite.  I’ve read (and heard read) lists of the September 11 victims’ names, but I’ve never experienced the intimacy these quotes provided.  They gave me entrée into how the people lived, what they cared about, and why they were loved.  The New York Times said of this monument, “This strange, shimmering tower, which aims skyward and lifts the heart with it, seems likely to be simultaneously a place for solemn remembrance and a source of delight. That’s a paradox, but one we will be only too glad to puzzle over.” 

 Here’s text from one stone that moved me deeply:

Alan W. Friedlander

 April 23, 1949 – September 11, 2001

Always loving.

Always caring.

Always giving.

Always sharing.

I would have liked to meet Allan.  I don’t know anything about his profession, how much money he made or what size house he had, but I can tell from the inscription, he left a great legacy. 

How do you want to be remembered?   Most of us prefer not to think too much about our death.  But, now and then, it is good to step back and do an aerial inventory of our lives.  What do I value?  What is important to me?  Is my life reflecting these values?  What would people say about me if I died suddenly? 

Questions like these don’t have to be macabre.  They can serve as a catalyst to get our daily lives in line with our life’s values.  Thinking about them can help us live intentionally.  It makes sense, doesn’t it, to have what you view as most important show up clearly in how you live?   Steven Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People suggests we consider beginning with the end in mind.

So, what do you want to be when you grow up? That question may appear a little trite, but think about it for a moment. Are you--right now--who you want to be, what you dreamed you'd be, doing what you always wanted to do? Be honest. Sometimes people find themselves achieving victories that are empty--successes that have come at the expense of things that were far more valuable to them. If your ladder is not leaning against the right wall, every step you take gets you to the wrong place faster.

Here’s another inspiring tribute from the monument:

Ronald Bucca

September 11, 2001

Family man, friend, fireman, soldier, nurse.

An ordinary man

who lived an extraordinary life. 

Our Love.

We build our life legacies each day.  It’s Emily Dickinson who said, “Forever is composed of nows.”  Visiting the memorial inspired me to act each day like I want to be remembered.  Most of us are ordinary people.  Let the memory of Ronald and Allen invigorate you to make your ordinary life one that includes an extraordinary legacy of loving, caring, giving, and sharing.

For further information on the memorial, visit http://www.schwartzarch.com/projects/westchester_memorial.html

Tamera Schreur is a internationally experienced psychotherapist with a new practice in Scarsdale, NY serving individuals, couples and families. She has 20 years of experience helping people build stronger relationships and better lives.  Visit her website at:  http://www.FamilyTherapyInWestchester.com

Reprinted from Scarsdale Patch weekly column
E-motion by Tamera Schreur
http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-too-much-exposure


Have you been feeling extra stressed this week?
Maybe it’s not connected to your job, personal life or family issues.
Maybe your exposure count is too high.



We are naturally drawn to television news when disaster strikes. It is hard to turn off the vivid images of death and destruction being played over and over. There’s almost an addictive quality to it, don’t you think? Bigger screens and the advent of high definition televisions make this even truer. It's almost like being at the scene.

This week, we are bombarded with images from Japan. It’s a three-fold disaster, including an earthquake, a tsunami and nuclear plant explosions. It is a horrific tragedy, and many in our area have close connections to the region. I encourage you to take the opportunity to reach out and help. 

This is also an opportunity to get informed about another threat, one far less severe than what is happening in Japan, but significant all the same. This threat is of particular concern to our children, even though we live far from Japan.  

What I’m talking about is the danger of overdosing on television news. Maybe that sounds like a strange or even silly concern to you. But stay with me a few minutes and consider this: is there such a thing as too much indirect exposure to a crisis?

 Simply put, the answer is YES. 

 Current television news is unparalleled in immediacy and scope. The whole world comes close to us through TV. In America, we invite it into the most private rooms of our homes. And we welcome it in great amounts. 

Count the televisions you have in your household. Count the number of people that live in your home. Which number is higher? And now, with internet video and smart phones, we can be continuously immersed in news reports.

 According to expert Jessica Hamblen, PhD, and the Dart Center for Journalism and Trauma report, “Research generally finds an association between watching media coverage of traumatic events and stress symptoms.” 

Too much exposure to graphic images of disaster and death can be linked to stress symptoms.  These include feelings of helplessness, anxiety, trouble sleeping, and physical symptoms like stomachaches or headaches, increased irritability and more.   

We can become caught in a cycle of helplessness, fear and worry.  Will it happen here?  Will I be hurt?  Will my family be separated or injured?  Indirect exposure of a disaster (watching it on television) can leave scars and interfere with normal life. 

Go back with me to 9/11. It’s almost ten years past, but still very fresh. I did not see the Twin Towers fall with my own eyes, and I would think few of you did either. Or did we?   

If I wasn’t there, why can I close my eyes and vividly “see” the second plane hit and “see” the towers implode into massive clouds of dust?  Can you do the same? 

How about your kids, if they are old enough?  It’s because we saw it over and over again on the television.  Many children in my counseling practice showed signs of significant anxiety and stress for months and even years following  the attacks.   Even now, in 2011, people have flashbacks.   

People with pre-existing anxiety issues, young children, and those who have experienced a similar trauma in the past are most vulnerable to being negatively impacted. Stress can be raised to a dangerous level.   

I like this simple quote from Esther Sternberg, MD, a leading stress researcher and the chief of neuroendocrine immunology and behavior at the National Institute of Mental Health, “Like email and email spam, a little stress is good but too much is bad; you'll need to shut down and reboot…"  

 You can put some things in place to keep exposure levels safe in your household.

• Limit or stop watching television coverage of a disaster, especially in the evening before going to sleep.
• The younger your child is, the more important these limits are. No exposure is best for small children.
• Stay informed with alternative news sources like written materials or radio that do not have disturbing images replayed over and over.
• Keep routines in place and maintain healthy practices. They lower stress, energize and comfort.
• If you are a parent and allow your children to watch coverage on television, watch with them. Talk with them. Be aware of developmental differences.  For example, small children may think something is happening again when they see a replay of it. Ask about their thoughts and feelings about what is happening. Answer their questions. Help them with any confusion or misunderstanding. Children thrive on predictability and security. Children will be looking for comfort and reassurance. Give these in generous amounts.
• Get professional help if stress levels become too high and/or do not go away.
• Channel your concerns into finding a way to help the victims.  It is great to come together as a family, congregation, school or community to provide help. 

Reprinted from Scarsdale Patch weekly
E-motion column by Tamera Schreur
http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/worry-less-celebrate-more

How can your heart go walking around outside your body? A personal reflection, written by a therapist in a mother's voice.


My heart started pounding when I read the first few words of his email… “Don’t want you to worry…”

Worry? Instantly, I was way past worry and on high alert. The alert intensified when I read the next word - “EARTHQUAKE.” And then I saw these precious words, “We’re safe. We left Christchurch a few hours before it hit.” Exhale. Deep breath.

Most of us get bad news at some point in our lives. A car accident. Cancer.  Rejection. Bad news is devastating. It can take years to get past. In some cases, we never get past it. It often leads to tough times. We can benefit from working with someone like a counselor or clergyperson to help support and guide us professionally towards a return to well-being. I don’t wish this kind of bad news on anyone, and I certainly want to avoid it myself.

Most of us get "almost" bad news more often. Where it could have happened or almost happened, but didn’t. “Her car almost hit me, but then swerved at the last second, or “The tree limb fell right where he was standing…five seconds before.” It’s easy to get stressed out from this kind of news (even though it is actually good news for us!) when it concerns someone we love.  

I’m glad my son’s news was of the "almost" bad news type. It’s not the first time I’ve gotten this kind of news from him. You see, he’s quite the adventurer. He’s always dreaming up some trip, and then making it happen. The adventures can be of the extreme sort. Author Elizabeth Stone described parenting as having ‘‘your heart go walking around outside your body.” Well, my son takes my heart on some major walks!

He’s had backpacking in New Zealand on his list for quite some time now. The day for his big trip finally came, and everything was in place and looked good.  We said our goodbyes and off he went, planning to be off the grid for two weeks. Great for him. Not for me. And then on his first day there, the earthquake struck.

Life gives us surprises, despite our best planning. There are things we have no control over and certainly without advance warning. These are things we can’t do anything about. The only place of control we have is how we react. 

My son’s reaction seemed rather calm and collected. I don’t think he even knew much about the earthquake, except that it had happened and he was safe. The reports of the damage and deaths came later when he was already deep into his adventure carrying a backpack filled with all he needed for the week ahead. With his cell phone off, no Internet access and no news reports, he was simply having a good time. 

Meanwhile, I was reading everything I could on the earthquake... and feeling quivery inside each time I read a new report. I was not calm or collected. This was my son! I’m still feeling somewhat tense. You see, as I write this column, he’s not back yet. There have been multiple aftershocks. Today’s biggest was 4.5 on the Richter scale. I’ve lived in California and know that a 4.5 is significant enough to cause major damage.

I haven’t heard from him again and have to assume he is ok. He stated clearly that he was going off the grid and not planning to call or write. We’d agreed on that. But really now, that was before I knew there was going to be an earthquake!

So part of me says “Just relax, remember, he’s safe.” And part of me will only fully relax when I hear his voice again. As a mom for many years now, I happen to know I’m good at worrying about my kids. But as a therapist, I know this is an area I need to keep working to change. So, once again, I ask myself:

• Does my worry somehow prove how much I care?
• If I think and think and think about this, will I feel better?
• Does my worry help prevent something bad from happening?
• Is all that tension I’m carrying around good for me or somehow helping him? 

Heh, even non-therapists know the answer to all of these is a resounding “No.” 

I know it’s time to change my focus from contemplating what could have been to celebrating what is. He is safe! He left the city before the quake, and thank God, he is ok!

Coming face to face with what could have been is sobering. I suppose it’s good to recognize that while we can control much in life, our lives can change in the blink of an eye. It puts things into a different perspective, doesn’t it? It reminds us of things bigger than ourselves and points us to the profound.

Good things can even come of it. When we have one of these "almost" bad situations, we often see a spike in our gratitude. And a spike in affection when we consider what it would have been like to lose a family member or friend, colleague or classmate. Sometimes, we even make a resolution to live differently from now on. 

I’m sorry for the tremendous loss that happened to so many in Christchurch, New Zealand. But I’m extremely grateful that my son is alive. I’m eager to hug him and tell him I love him. I wouldn’t suppose you have a family member who is on his way home from New Zealand, but may I suggest you too be generous with your affection when you next see your love ones, even if they didn’t narrowly escape an earthquake?

So, my words of wisdom today: Worry less and celebrate more. Give thanks for life and love, for they are indeed precious gifts.

Reprinted from Scarsdale Patch
E-motion weekly column by Tamera Schreur

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/pot-of-gold-at-the-oscars

Ready for blue skies? Read on for a life lesson taught by a group of fifth graders that will brighten any day.

I’m quite taken by the unstoppable kids from PS 22 in Staten Island. They received the final applause at the Academy Awards Ceremony on Monday evening with their expressive rendition of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" from the 1939 movie "The Wizard of Oz." Here they were, fifth graders from a public school in Staten aweing that star-studded audience. There are some outstanding singers in the group, like there are right here in our schools, but what is sky rocketing this group to such fame?  New York magazine called them “the best known elementary school chorus on the planet.” If you missed seeing them, plug "PS 22 choir Oscars" into a search engine right now! 

We can’t ignore the power of going viral.  The Internet has certainly worked its magic for them. They also have a great leader. Gregg Breinberg, or Mr. B as he’s affectionately called, is an outstanding choral director. But setting these things aside, I have to ask, what is making them a sensation? What prompted all those high fives from Anne Hathaway? Why do people love them so much? 

It seems to me it’s how they are in touch with their feelings. They’re alive, vigorous, exuberant, tender, raw, soulful, earnest and passionate. I could keep going with adjectives that we don’t often use to describe fifth grade singers. Being authentic with feelings makes these kids’ singing alive and vigorous. If you watch a few more clips of them online you’ll see they have an incredible emotional range. Mr. B calls them “fully expressed.”  I think it’s their pot of gold. And it shines brightly. 

These are kids who haven’t had many rainbows in their lives. Statistics about the school show that many of the students come from struggling families. Nearly 70 percent qualify for lunch assistance. “There are kids who come from places where I wish I could just physically move them somewhere else,” Breinberg says. Many of the children in the chorus have seen a lot of difficulties in their ten or eleven years of life. And yet, they are the ones who walked the red carpet this week. Some of them even got to hold one of the coveted gold Oscars. 

These kids and this teacher are inspiring. I’m sure their success promotes keeping arts as an integral part of the public school curriculums. They can prompt all of us to work hard and follow our dreams. But, if I may, I’d like to suggest we let these kids inspire us to get more in touch with our feelings and express them in healthy ways. 

Mr. B tells the kids, “Don’t fake it, you should feel it.” 

Learn to recognize your feelings and express them in healthy ways.  The basic ones are Sad, Mad, Glad and Afraid.  But we can add nuance with others like satisfied, relaxed, tender, rebellious, determined, optimistic, hesitant, humiliated, mournful or frisky. Work to expand your feeling vocabulary. 

Take a few moments throughout the day to do a "feelings check." Sit or stand quietly, take a few slow breaths. Notice what is inside you. Focus on how different parts of your body feel. Turn your attention inward. Ask yourself how you are feeling and notice what comes to mind. Let your feelings be just as they are. You might readily know how your feelings connect to things going on in your life. You might not. That’s ok.

Some feelings are pleasant and easy to feel. Others are unpleasant and tough. Some feelings make us want to lash out or do something we’ll later regret. We can learn how to control our responses to our feelings rather than be controlled by the feeling. Teaching our children and teens this  skill is also important. We can find healthy ways to express our feelings, like making music! Life and relationships are fuller when we have, like the PS 22 chorus kids, an incredible emotional range.

The blog site Breinberg set up for his choir headlines this quote: “When you do what you love, things can happen for you.” That’s pretty good advice for all of us. What rainbows and blue sky might be waiting for us if we embrace our feeling as fully as Mr. B and the PS 22 kid’s choir?