Category: Coping

Baby Boomers and Aging

8/14/2015

Nice to be featured as a local expert in today's article on Boomers and Aging by Journal New's writer Karen Croke!
http://www.lohud.com/story/life/2015/08/13/boomers-feel-younger-than-they-/31617443/

The Beatles played Shea 50 years ago. Can it be?

Karen Croke, [email protected]:08 a.m. EDT August 14, 2015
(Photo: Gannett News Service/Apple Corps Ltd.)
For boomers, the gap between the age we think we are, and our actual age, is growing.

I stumbled across a Twitter post the other day that had me thinking: It said that the crumbling of our reality arrives when we realize the age we think we are — in my case, 25 — is the age that your children actually are.

A few significant events recently have reminded me that I am no longer the age that I thought I was.

The first was someone mentioning that The Beatles' record-breaking concert at Shea Stadium took place 50 years ago, Aug. 15, 1965.

I remember that concert. I was young — extremely young, may I say — when it took place, but I remember the hysteria and that I was in love with the Fab Four, who seemed, at the time, so much older than I.

Fast forward 50 years and somehow dating Paul or Ringo still seems far-fetched.

Then there was a video that was shot with friends during a Fire Island summer in 1986 (you can start doing the math) that I just saw this weekend with that same group of friends.

As the DVD revealed our long-ago selves, we noticed we had significantly fewer inhibitions, wore much less clothing — in this case bikini tops and grass skirts — and drank tons of tequila. It was great until the realization hit us that our now-adult kids were probably having a similar experience, just in real time.

We turned to each other and said, "What happened?"

Not as in "where did the time go," but more like, how is it possible that we're not still 25? We feel 25! Few of us look like we're 25 (except Christie Brinkley). And it's not that, as invincible boomers, we're refusing to acknowledge our age. It’s more about having to finally recognize the passing of time.

"I think what happened as you and your friends watched that video is very normal," says Scarsdale-based family therapist Tamera Schreur. "And not just for baby boomers. Life keeps moving along and we are always caught up in the midst of living it. We can lose track of the passage of time until it gets telescoped for us, like in the old video. Seeing the actual footage of a video makes it pretty clear that time has passed. It can be a surprise in some ways to see it."

Schreur, who claims boomer status herself, can relate. "The other day at a park I watched a teenager doing cartwheel after cartwheel — flawlessly," she says. "For half a second I considered trying my old cheerleading skills and trying one myself. And then, thankfully, I came to my senses."

She explained the disconnect between our actual ages and the age we feel like and act like gets larger and larger as we get older: "Our feelings don’t always match reality. That can get in the way when we try to do something our body no longer is capable of doing easily. But this can work for us as a good thing too! It can inspire us to make some positive changes as we age and keep us focused on taking healthy care of ourselves."

I think my own form of ignoring reality stems from the actual term “50 years ago.” I can distinctly remember hearing an announcer intone those words during long, boring black-and-white newsreels on rainy day recess at W.L. Morse School in Sleepy Hollow. Fifty years ago, to me, always seemed like ancient history, as in the end of WWII ... or the actual beginning of time.

But now? The Beatles played Shea Stadium “50 years ago,” and it’s not such ancient history.

Schreur had some great advice for me. "So, if you watch another one of those Fire Island videos and are startled by the changes, think of it as an opportunity to reflect on how you want the rest of your life to look — and go after it!"

I think I might still have that grass skirt.

It happened 50 years ago

Crying, screaming, fainting fans greeted the Beatles for their Shea Stadium concert, Aug. 15, 1965

Muhammad Ali knocked out Sonny Liston in about one minute in a fight on May 25, 1965

The March on Selma began on March 21, 1965.

We got a glimpse of Mars. Yes, Mariner 4 relayed the first photos of the red planet on July 14. Take that, Curiosity.

The Voting Rights Act was signed into law, Aug. 6, 1965

On Nov. 9, 1965, a massive blackout left the entire Northeast in the dark.

Listen to the Voices in Your Head

8/11/2015

Have you seen it? Pixar's newest release, Inside Out?
It's good, really good. Like, awesome. Pixar is great at humanizing things that aren't human, like toys, fish and rats. In this movie what is humanized? Well, emotions! And true to our expectations, Pixar does it with creative aplomb!

I'm recommending the movie for my clients, family, and friends.

It's not just a movie for kids! It's a movie for everyone. We don't get Emotions 101 in our school core curriculum. So, sometimes we miss out, or are delayed, in understanding some pretty important things about how our emotions work, how to take care of our emotions, how to make good choices when we feel a certain way, and how to connect to others emotionally in healthy ways. All pretty important stuff.

Not understanding our basic emotions and how to handle them in healthy ways can lead to lots of issues for individuals, for families, and for couples too. Even impact stuff at school and work and in our communities.

It's the sort of stuff that can blow up on us at times. The sort of blow up that can make you call a therapist for an emergency appointment!

Dealing with emotions is the stuff of life. For everyone. We all have a full range of emotions. Like the main character, Riley, in the movie, we all have joy, sadness, anger, fear and disgust. We all are impacted by our emotions. We all respond in various ways to our emotions. Most people "like" some of their emotions more than others. Riley sure does. Honoring our range of emotions makes us stronger as people. The movie is especially good at helping us understand the role and importance of sadness.

Sometimes people respond to their emotions in ways that aren't so healthy. Sometimes people aren't even aware of the connection between their thoughts and actions-- and the emotions going on inside them. I like to call it "Our Trio"--thinking, feeling, doing. Each of us tends to lead with one part of the trio. But we all do better if we connect each part with the other parts so our thoughts, feelings, and actions all connect and work together. Therapists like myself often work with people to better understand their emotional self and how it impacts things around them--and how to get the unhealthy emotional reaction stuff headed the other way, to healthier responses.

Inside Out is a fun, engaging and creative movie. AND, it deals with something really important--emotions. The movie handles this big topic with genius. And the movie is based on good science. All round, it's a win win.

It's pretty cool for me, as a therapist, to see some of this "help" stuff being looked at and promoted in a popular movie, especially one geared for all ages! I think this movie will influence kids (and grownups) to understand emotions better. And, that will lead to better relationships and healthier families. Movies become part of our lives and shape our culture, for better or for worse. This one is definitely for better!

Inside Out is a treasure. Go see it, or see it again!

Image by Rebekah Schott rebekahschott.com

A little Help at the Holidays!

12/26/2014

Hope today's front page feature of the Journal News helps a few people better manage the holidays and enjoy time together with family!
Here's the link:

http://www.lohud.com/story/life/2014/12/26/avoid-fighting-visiting-family/20906345/

Satisfactions of Summer

6/27/2013

As I peak into the start of summer, I'm thinking about lots of things. Most of them are fun things. Summer means special fun to me! How about to you? What comes to mind when you think, "Heh, it's the end of June, summer has started!?"
Kids are home, routines are different, the weather is finally nice, vacations are on the way or even started.
It's good to have some plans to look forward to. Part of the satisfaction of a vacation is getting it all planned. Once things are planned, we can look forward to them!
So, get some plans on your calendar! It doesn't have to be elaborate, there are plenty of things right here in our area that are great fun, and even, free! Like Jazz concerts at Lyndhurst Castle out on the big lawn with the sun setting over the Hudson River, Library reading clubs for kids and adults with prizes and picnics at local parks with friends.
Here in Westchester, our lives can get pretty hectic. That isn't always good for us. Take time this summer to focus on relaxing and kicking back some. Spend time with those you love, extra time. And, make it good; choose to enjoy each other and focus on the good stuff. Don't sweat the small stuff. If you mess up on that one day, try to make the next day better. I like to remind myself each morning; the sunrise is new today, and today I get a new day, a fresh start. And then, I try to make it a good day, even, a great day.

Enjoy the satisfactions of a sweet summer!

More sadness...

4/16/2013

It's hard, ever so hard, to wrap our minds around tragedy. Especially senseless mean tragedy, like what happened yesterday at the Boston Marathon Finish Line.
Just at the point of triumph, just at the point of exhaustion, just at the point of reunion with loved ones, bombs exploded. Bombs hit, hurt, and killed.
The deaths and injury are terrible and sad. My heart goes out to the victims and the families of victims. When something like this happens, there is so much hurt, so much pain. The victims, of course, are hurt in the most horrific ways. I can't begin to really comprehend what it must be like for the injured today.

I was safely home in New York. Relaxing and stretching, actually, after my own run, albeit only a 5K. As soon as I found out about Boston, my heart started hurting, aching in outrage and sorrow.

I think there's hurt all round, for all of us who are hear about this type of violence, no matter where we live.

I'm wondering what else could happen. What else might happen.
I'm hurting for those who were hurt.
I'm feeling angry. I'm trying not to hate.
I'm feeling afraid.
I'm feeling concerned especially for children who hear about this, another killing. Another killing where a child dies.
I'm feeling confused, I just don't understand how someone could choose to do something like this.
I'm also feeling grateful, in a strange almost guilty way, that it didn't happen to me or to my family members. I take this abit personal, my sister was going to run, but didn't. I'm glad I could call her right up and hear her voice on the other side, safe.

I'm feeling all these things, and I wonder if you are too...

I'm a mental health professional and it's hard for me to put this all together, to get past this, to figure out what to say. It will take time. I reminded myself to take extra care of myself today, to be gentle with myself, because this kind of thing shakes me up. I remind you to try to do the same.

And, if you are parenting, keep your young children away from the news, especially any that includes video or photographs. Let them be kids and know as little as possible. So, turn the television off when they are around. We can get traumatized in a secondary way from hearing about tragedies, and this is something we can choose to avoid.

Today and throughout this week, I'm going to be deliberate in reaching out to others, even in small ways, to share comfort, and to get comfort myself. A smile here, a hug there, a conversation and kindness here and there.

It's a powerful way to stand up to violence.

It will also honor the victims of Boston.

I invite you to join me in doing so.

Think Green!

3/8/2013

Think Green.
I know, it's snowing; big flakes too.
Again.
Isn't this March?

But, think green anyways. Green, like finding the pointy shoots of crocus flowers, running through green grass, planting tiny seeds to grow into yummy food!

Thinking green gets our mental juices flowing. It starts us thinking of change, welcome change, and warmth. Vacations and summer too. Even St. Patrick's Day.
So, when you see more white outside, think green inside.
Things will feel brighter and better.

E-motion: What's in Your Toolbox?

7/27/2011

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-whats-in-your-toolbox

Last year my son gave me a nifty alarm clock. This clock projects time and temperature onto the ceiling in bright red numerals. You need only peek an eye open to know it’s; “time to get up”, or “go ahead and grab a few more winks.” In moments of greater lucidity, you can note the outside temperature and plan what to wear, all before moving a muscle.

This past week I avoided looking at those red numbers. Not because I didn’t want to find out the time, rather, I didn’t want to be reminded how blasted hot it was outside!

The New York Times got it right when writer N.R. Kleinfield said the 104 degree heat created, “instant dripping wretchedness.”

I didn’t like it. No one did.

But we got through it, didn’t we? And, today my delightful clock read a welcoming 67 degrees. I looked at it with both eyes open and a smile on my face. With our short weather memory banks, the heat wave almost seems a thing of the past. Of course, August is around the corner…

We faced something we didn’t like, something quite unpleasant, and we got through it. And we will again. How’d we do that?

We found ways to cope.

Some of us jumped in pools, even fully clothed. My creative photographer, Beka Schott of Mod Photography, had the right idea for this week’s cool photo shoot! Some of us stayed inside with the AC on high. One of my friends put up a snowy winter screensaver for distraction. We found ways to get through, to cope.

Coping is all about finding ways to make the best of difficult things.

It’s not just the weather that we need to cope with. Life is tough at times. Everyone faces tough times, even our kids. We assume negative things, like heat, loss of job, illness, accident or death will be stressful to deal with. We don’t as often consider that even positive changes like starting college, moving to a new bigger place, or welcoming a baby can increase our stress too.

It’s helpful once in a while to step back from your life and take inventory of your coping skills. How do you cope? Do you have a variety of coping strategies to use?

Let’s use the comparison of a well outfitted toolbox. You need a variety of tools to be effective with repairs. There’s a lot you can fix with a hammer, set of wrenches, a few screwdrivers, and pliers. But, if you only had a hammer, you would be out of luck for fixing things that need, say, a wrench. We need a variety of coping tools to meet life’s challenges. We need a full toolbox with a generous mix of coping tools for good balance in life. We’re all different, but balance is a good thing for everyone.

There are hundreds of coping tools that people use. Many can be put into two categories, either emotionally focused or solution focused. Take a look at these two types, described below. Which ones do you tend to use?

When faced with something difficult in life do you:

·       Try to put a positive spin on things?

·       Keep your sense of humor even in a tough situation?

·       Get inspiration from remembering someone who has it worse than you?

·       Do an extra-long workout to feel better?

These are examples of emotional focused coping tools. They don’t really change the stressful situation. They change our perception of the situation and/or our emotions. And that is powerful. They are especially helpful for those times when we really can’t change the situation we find ourselves in, whether it be hot weather, or severe health diagnosis. Emotionally focused coping tools help us calm down and get in a better place.

Or,when faced with something difficult do you:

·       Seek out more information about the problem or stress?

·       Make a list of how to attack the problem?

·       Consult with others for solutions?

·       Work to modify your behavior or the situation you are in?

These are examples of solution focused strategies. They are aimed at changing the situation that is causing the stress. If you change the situation itself or change your part in the situation, the stress level changes too. Solution focused strategies are vital to learn and use.

Maybe you do some of both. That’s actually good for balance, and good for coping.

When we are stressed out our bodies and minds go into hyper drive. To cope, we first have to settle ourselves down. Emotional focused strategies help most here. When we are calm emotionally we are in a better place to use the tools of solution focused strategies for those situations where we can make changes.

Emotional focused tools and solution focused tools are both positive ways to cope.

There’s another category too, negative tools. Think of these as tools that, in the short run, seem to help, but in the long run don’t help at all. They can even make things worse. These negative strategies are like cheap tools you might pick up at the five and dime. Any handyman or handywoman will tell you “buy good quality, not cheap tools.” Examples of cheap fixes or negative coping tools are: denial, self-medicating by substance abuse, helplessness, or self-blame. If these are your main coping tools, your toolbox needs an overhaul.

So, take a look at your coping toolbox. What’s in it? What tools for coping do you use most? Is it time to discard any useless tools you’ve been holding on to? Would you benefit from expanding your tool box to include more quality coping tools?

Where\'s the On/Off Switch for Feelings?

4/20/2011

Published on Scarsdale Patch http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-wheres-the-onoff-switch-for-feelings

Remember this old children’s song? Barney sang it often on television.

“If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands
If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.”

Barney sang a lot of songs about positive feelings and attitudes. The thing about Barney was, his focus was pretty one sided. To Barney life was always happy. Problem is, we aren’t always happy. What are we supposed to do when we are:

·       Sad and we know it?

·       Angry and we know it?

·       Upset and we know it?

·       Worried and we know it?

Do you ever wish your feelings came with an on/off switch? I know I do.

Imagine how that would be if:
You find out you’ve lost your job, start feeling depressed, and, click -- turn off the negative feelings and enjoy a great evening with your family.

You get hurt by criticism from a friend, start feeling upset, and, click – turn off the hurt feelings and move right into planning your next get-together.

You and your partner get into a fight, you become angry, and, click -- turn off the anger and it’s like it never happened.

Which feelings would you click off most often? Which feelings would you want to keep turned on?

I think I can guess.   And so can you.

Positive feelings, like joy, happiness, delight, pleasure would get the ON switch.

Negative feelings like sadness, fear, bitterness, insecurity would get the OFF switch.

But wouldn’t that leave us rather one sided as people? It would be like living in a Disney World happy bubble all the time. Happy bubble places are fun to visit for Spring Break, but they aren’t real life.

We all know that life includes both positive and negative feelings. Rather than focusing on an on/off switch, it is more important to learn to handle the feelings we’d prefer not to have. Learning this leads to resilience to bounce back from tough times. When we have resilience, we can cope with times that make us sad, afraid, or worried. We know we will bounce back. Joy and pleasure lie ahead. When we have this kind of emotional health, we recognize our feelings, have control over what we do with them, and cope when the going gets tough. This is easier said than done, of course.

To get a better handle on feelings (much better than an on/off switch, really) here’s 10 suggestions from the American Psychological Association on how to build resilience to better handle life’s wild mix of feelings. I think they’re pretty good.

Make connections. Good relationships with close family members, friends, or others are important.
Avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems. You can't change the fact that highly stressful events happen, but you can change how you interpret and respond to these events.
Accept that change is a part of living. Certain goals may no longer be attainable as a result of adverse situations. Accepting circumstances that cannot be changed can help you focus on circumstances that you can alter.
Move toward your goals. Develop some realistic goals. Do something regularly -- even if it seems like a small accomplishment -- that enables you to move toward your goals.
Take decisive actions. Act on adverse situations as much as you can. Take decisive actions, rather than detaching completely from problems and stresses and wishing they would just go away.
Look for opportunities for self-discovery. People often learn something about themselves and may find that they have grown in some respect as a result of their struggle with loss.
Nurture a positive view of yourself. Developing confidence in your ability to solve problems and trusting your instincts helps build resilience.
Keep things in perspective. Even when facing very painful events, try to consider the stressful situation in a broader context and keep a long-term perspective. Avoid blowing the event out of proportion.
Maintain a hopeful outlook. An optimistic outlook enables you to expect that good things will happen in your life. Try visualizing what you want, rather than worrying about what you fear.
Take care of yourself. Pay attention to your own needs and feelings. Engage in activities that you enjoy and find relaxing. Exercise regularly. Taking care of yourself helps to keep your mind and body primed to deal with situations that require resilience.
Additional ways of strengthening resilience may be helpful. For example, some people write about their deepest thoughts and feelings related to trauma or other stressful events in their life. Meditation and spiritual practices help some people build connections and restore hope.