Blog Archives

E-motion: The Pursuit of Happiness

6/29/2011

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/the-pursuit-of-happiness-2

I love seeing Miss Liberty any chance I can get. There is a great surprise view of this momentous lady from the High Line Park in New York City. She appears, suddenly, looking grand, framed between two buildings. With her 25-foot feet, 35-foot waist and 8-foot tall face, you’d hardly think this woman would be so popular. But she is.

It’s because she stands for freedom. In fact, she’s probably the most recognized symbol of freedom in the whole world. Next Monday, Americans will go all out to celebrate freedom on July Fourth. We’ll set off fireworks, fly flags and wear red, white and blue.

July 4 is, of course, the day the words of the Declaration of Independence were adopted by Congress. The date is inscribed on the tablet Miss Liberty holds. So here’s a pop quiz: how much of the famous Declaration can you recite? I would guess most of us can manage, perhaps with a slight reminder to get started, the most famous line, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” The rest of the Declaration is pretty long, really, and gives all the rational for the colonies separating from Great Britain.

It’s that most famous part, “…pursuit of happiness” that I deal with often as a relationship therapist. Most people want to be happy, and many find themselves rather unhappy with various parts of their lives.

What does happiness mean though, really? Is it a fleeting emotion? A lasting condition? Can you make yourself more happy? Are some people happier than others? Do the same things make everyone happy?

I'd like to add a couple of personal questions—what is it that makes you happy? How do you go about pursuing being happy?

I’m really asking. I really want to know.

I’d love it if you clicked the "comment" button and told me what makes you happy and how you pursue happiness.

Happiness has been researched and written about a lot. 4,000 books on happiness were published in 2008! One of the best known researchers of the topic is Martin Seligman, director of the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania. His most recent book, "Flourish," builds on his acronym PERMA. The letters of PERMA stand for five elements of well-being that, when pursued together, are shown by research to enhance happiness. The elements he notes are:

P for Pleasure

E for Engagement or Flow

R for Relationships

M for Meaning

A for Accomplishments or Achievement

Want to get happier? Want to flourish in your life? You might try a few of the exercises suggested in the book. Pick one or more from the list below and note how your happiness/unhappiness quotient changes.

Make savoring the positive stuff a habit. Each night before going to sleep, write down three things that went well. They can be really small things or really big things. Add comments about why they happened and what you can do to make them happen more often. Keep an actual record, on paper or computer, so you can read it over and remember the good stuff down the road.
Make kindness a habit. Seligman writes, “Doing a kindness produces the single most reliable momentary increase in well-being of any exercise we have tested.” So go out and find one impulsive act of kindness you can do (again, small or large). How do you feel after you do it?
Make acknowledging excellence in others a habit. Look for opportunities to tell other people – your children, your partner, your colleagues and your neighbors – about the excellence you see in them. It’s a special type of compliment to both give and receive that results in happiness for both parties.

One of our country’s building blocks of freedom is the pursuit of happiness. This Fourth of July why not spend some time reflecting on what it means for you, and for others, to pursue happiness?

E-motion: Are you a Too Nice Parent?

6/29/2011

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-are-you-a-too-nice-parent
Summer’s here, and the kids are out of school.

If you’re a kid, you’re likely thinking,“Yay! No more school! Free time!”

If you’re a parent, you might be thinking, “Oh no, how am I going to get my kids to get along and cooperate with me when they’re around all summer?!”

Parents have a lot on their plates these days. From morning to evening, there are times when you need to get your kids to cooperate — to get up in the morning, to brush teeth, be ready to go out on time, etc. So it’s no surprise that I often have parents ask me, “How do I get my child or children to do what I want them to do? It seems I have to nag and nag, and I still can’t get him/her to cooperate! It’s easier to just give in.” In the summer, there are even more opportunities for this type of unsatisfying interaction because of increased time together.

If you have this problem, you might be part of the parent group I playfully call “The Too Nice Parent Club.” It’s a pretty popular “club” these days. Lots of parents have joined, but not too many are finding it effective when it comes to their children’s behavior.

Here’s some of the ways membership in this “club” shows itself:

Too nice parents often end a request with “Okay?” Something like, “Honey, pick up your toys now, okay?” Ending a sentence with “okay” makes it sound optional.

Too nice parents are often afraid of being rigid or authoritarian, so they use phrases like, “It would be nice if someone helped me carry the groceries in,” and are then surprised when the kids decide to go in and start playing video games instead.

Too nice parents will choose to bail a son or daughter out of trouble rather than let them experience natural consequences.

Too nice parents will buy whatever a child or teen asks for right away to avoid a tantrum or complaining.

Parents who join this club do it for a variety of reasons. Some of the reasons are:

I don’t want to be like my dad/mom, who raised me in a very rigid manner.
I want my kids to like me.
I want to show my children that being nice is an important value.
That’s how I see other parents doing it.
We are able financially to give our child everything, so we want to.
I read a book that talked about how to be your child’s friend.
My dad/mom was distant, so I want to be close to my child.
I’m a single parent, and I don’t want to lose my child’s affection for me or give my ex-spouse ammunition to use against me.

The confusing part for parents who are in this “Too Nice Parent Club” is simply this:

The kids start showing increased, rather than decreased, negative behaviors and attitudes. The "too nice" stuff appeals, but it doesn’t really work.

What’s up with that?

It’s really quite simple:

Children need parents who provide structure, boundaries and consistent discipline. When you provide these, it means your children will not always like you. You’ll have to be firm. (Now, you can be firm in a nice manner, but I'm talking about folks on the other end of the continuum.) When you join the "Too Nice Parent Club," consistent discipline, boundaries and structure often get set to the side in favor of winning your child’s favor as a friend or buddy might.

Being a good parent doesn’t mean being a friend.

That’s right, an effective parent claims the role of parent, not friend.

The definition of parent is not friend, buddy, confidante or co-decision maker.

Children are not fully-formed little adults. Children and teens desperately need the adults in their lives to be adults — not on a peer level with them. When you try to be a buddy, friend, confidante or co-decision maker, you abandon the role of parent so desperately needed by your child. You do this by either coming down to their role level as a child or peer, or you inviting them up to your role level as a parent or adult. Either way, it doesn’t work.

To function well in life, children need to learn about limits, boundaries and responsibility. They need to develop character traits of responsibility, resourcefulness and cooperation. Children need parents to teach them these things by being good parents, not friends.

It’s a structural difference of roles. Here’s another way to think about it: How would it strike you if you go to a heart surgeon and she starts suggesting you meet a Starbucks, drink coffee and talk so you can chat about how she should perform your needed surgery? Or if your boss cancels the conference call with the consultants and changes it to time on the tennis courts? Or if the golf instructor for your youngster says he will take all the shots to spare your youngster disappointment or failure? Each of these mixes up roles and responsibilities in a negative way.

Can you be a good parent and be friendly? Yes. But your job is to be a parent, not a friend. Friendly parent, fine. But friend, not.

If you have children, your job is to be a parent.

Raising children is a big task. If you recognize that you have joined the “Too Nice Parent Club,” can I suggest that you end your membership today? It’s easier said than done. So if you’ve been a member for a while, you might benefit from a few sessions with a family counselor to encourage you, help you make the needed structural shifts and work with you and the family to restore healthy functioning patterns.

Good changes are often seen almost immediately. Feel free to contact an experienced family counselor you know. But do it sooner than later.

I know you want to do everything you can for your kids.

So, feature doing this: Be the best parent you can be — not friend.

E-motion: The Power Of Talking Together

6/16/2011

Original art by Radhika Hamlai

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-the-power-of-talking-together

My work is doing therapy. I meet with people, and we talk. I also do some play therapy with children, art therapy and experiential therapy, but therapy is mostly about talking together. And the talking together has a purpose. The purpose is to effect change.

Even though I’ve been doing this therapy stuff now for 20 years, my belief in it is always renewed when I meet with someone, such as a family or couple, and even in the intake session, they tell me that talking together like we’re doing is already helping them. Right then. Right there.

It’s a powerful thing, talking. Good talking can produce immediate change. Change in how you think. Change in how you feel. Change in what you do. Change in how you relate to others.

Now, talking in a therapist’s office involves working with a professional, so there’s a lot of training and experience involved in helping with that type of change. But just regular talking together — that’s something we all do with lots of people. Some people are really good at it, but more and more, people are losing track of how to talk effectively. Talking, communicating, listening, connecting — that’s what I’m referring to.

It’s not a subject required in school, but I think it should be.

You see, I think we mostly know how to talk at, not talk with.

Talking at is like dumping out a big bucket of liquid on the other person. You get rid of something heavy. You feel lighter. You get something off your chest. But the other person is all wet with your stuff. Sometimes your stuff is just wet like water; sometimes it’s more toxic than that. Sometimes the liquid is more like poison.

Talking with is quite different. Talking with is like sharing a bucket. You each put in some liquid, taking turns, and you create a new substance that is shared and fresh. It has potential instead of poison.

Talking at is really quite easy. It really just involves you with another person standing by.

Talking with is much more difficult. It involves a connection with another person, not just their presence.

Talking with someone shows you care about them and not just yourself.

Think about the last time you really enjoyed a conversation. What made it enjoyable?

Think about the last time you didn’t enjoy a conversation. What made it no fun?

If you reflect, I would think you’d come up with something like this…

Enjoyable conversation is mutual. It's back and forth. Both of us got to talk. Both of us listened to the other.

A no-fun conversation is one way, and consists of arguing and not listening to the other person. It's boring, and made me angry/upset.

Want to have better conversations with your partner, kids, friends or boss?

There are entire books written on how to communicate better. But you are just reading a short article, so here’s my short suggestion — try these two things:

Pay attention to the conversation.

Tune in to the other person and tune out other things that could distract you. We are so used to multi-tasking with our electronic devices that we often apply this to our conversations. It doesn’t work well with people. So look right at the person you’re talking with, watch them closely and think about how they might be feeling as well as what they are saying. Note the person’s body language and tone of voice. Active listening involves paying attention to both the way something is being said and the words being used to say it.

Wait until the other person is finished talking before responding.

Did you know that we can hear more words per minute than we can speak? Most people speak between 100-175 words per minute. We can listen and understand at a much higher rate—up to 300 words per minute. Because of this difference, we often start responding in our minds while the other person is still talking to us instead of listening at the 100 percent level. So try to truly wait to respond — both outloud and in your head.

Even small change in these two ways can make a big difference in your relationships. Give it a try!

E-motion: Do Some Good For Others, It'll Do Some Good For You Too!

6/9/2011

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-do-some-good-for-others

There’s a whole other world out there. And it’s only two hours from here. Over the weekend, I went along with a group up to the Catskills. Our goal: do some good for others.

We piled into cars with snacks, duffle bags and garden tools. Here and there, a colorful pair of cotton gloves sprouted from a pocket or bag. It’s become an annual pilgrimage of sorts for this group to go up to Claryville and help plant a garden. Not a little backyard 4’ by 4’ — no, this is a huge community garden that provides a summer’s worth of fresh food for 35 families in the area.

It’s pretty amazing how quickly you move from urban to suburban and then to peaceful rural when you drive north. And I mean really peaceful, because there is no cell service in Claryville! At first the teens among us (ok, not only the teens) kept getting out their cells and trying, trying, trying for a bar or two. Nothing. One teen admitted that it was actually pretty scary.

Then, the phones got replaced with garden tools. Trowels, hoses, shovels and even a John Deere tractor provided by a local farmer. A Boy Scout troop showed up to help us. So did some families with toddlers in tow. Everyone pitched in.

Working together, we loosened last year’s soil, pulled weeds and picked out rocks. Some of us climbed on the tractor and learned how to drive well enough to go fetch a big scoop of mulch. Others kept picking weeds. Our backs got tired and our knees got sore. Kneeling is a tough posture to maintain for long!

And then it was time to plant. Have you ever tucked a small vegetable plant into the group and patted the soil gently around it, thinking of ripe tomatoes, snap fresh peas or glistening corn?

They don’t look like much when you pop them out of the crinkly plastic container. In fact, they reminded me of the oh-so-fragile neck of the newborn baby I’d held a few days before. But in a week or two, when the roots adjust, they’ll start to go crazy with growth. Leaves, shoots, then flowers and fruit.

In a few weeks, the radishes and spinach will be on someone’s plate. And a few weeks later, the beans, peas and carrots will proclaim they’re ready to be eaten. By August, people will biting into tomatoes that have a taste you simply can’t find at a grocery store. The pumpkins, broccoli and squash will produce well into the fall.

That’s a lot of food and nutrition.

Food for a lot of people who need it and wouldn’t get it if this community garden didn’t exist.

We were revived by a lunch cooked for us by three kind ladies from the church. We needed that, because after the plants went in, the next two steps had us back on our knees. Forever, it seemed.

“Spread newspapers all around each plant,” the coordinator guided us. “It keeps down the weeds. Less weeds means less work later and more food to share.” I was impressed when one creative woman found a way to actually read a few articles while she mulched! “And then, after the newspapers, pile loads of straw on top of each bed,” we were told.

It seemed like a recipe. Clean out the bed. Insert seed or seedling. Cover with newspaper. Top with layer of straw icing. Bake in full sun for two to eight weeks. Remove. Eat and enjoy.

We got the entire garden planted. Together. Working hard. For a purpose.

And did I tell you it’s a huge garden? But we got it planted before dark. When you work for a common goal with other like-minded people, time moves differently and your muscles don’t hurt as much. Or maybe they do, but it's a good hurt, like one of the group members said as we stretched our backs.

Gardening like this isn’t the normal daily activity for any of the people who went up from Scarsdale. No, daily life for the youngsters and teens who went on this trip is mostly indoors and revolves around schoolwork and activities in the Hudson Valley area. And for the adults, well, going into the city all dressed for the Financial District or midtown office is what’s more familiar. Probably similar to what's familiar for you too.

Like I said, it’s a whole other world out there. And it's only two hours away.

We did some good for others. And it did some good for us, too.

Except for an herb leaf or two, no one can eat from the garden yet. But for each of us who went last Saturday, the taste of making this trip together—to do some good for others—is already sweet.

Sweet, indeed.

Free Mental Health Services for our Troops

6/2/2011

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-free-therapy

I asked a few people what Memorial Day means to them. It seems this bookend of summer is about picnics, family time, fishing, BBQ, and, if you’re lucky, getting out on a boat. No one mentioned anything about honoring those who served in the military. No one mentioned going to a cemetery to honor the dead.

Maybe people were doing that sort of remembrance more quietly. Maybe I didn’t ask enough older people who remember all-out star spangled parades in town and ceremonies at local cemeteries.

Our country has been involved in many wars. Military people have given their lives. They deserve our honor and respect.

There are thousands of veterans and reservists alive and living among us, as well. Some are recently returned from Iraq and Afghanistan. I hope many of them got to go boating and picnicking with their families on Monday too.

Life isn’t always so jolly for those who return from war. Sure, it’s better to be out of war zones. But the adjustments and challenges are huge when you come back. And they involve not just the service person, but the whole family. The New York Times reports “One in five service members who have returned from Iraq or Afghanistan report symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder or depression, but little more than half of them have mental health treatment, according to an independent study of United States troops.”

Sadly, mental health treatment is perceived by many to have stigma. Many returning troops don’t seek this kind of medical treatment because they worry it will impact their careers in a negative way. I want to tell you about a great program that can help address this problem. And, then once you know about it, I’m going to ask you to tell at least one military person about it.

It’s free for military people and free for their families.

It’s available right now, right here in Westchester County (and across the nation).

It’s confidential. It doesn’t involve an insurance company and it doesn’t involve military records.

And, in case this sounds too good to be true, let me add: it’s not a hoax or a scam.

The program is called GIVE AN HOUR. Give an hour is a non-profit organization that connects licensed mental health professionals willing to give one hour a week of mental health services to military people in need. Here’s what they say in the Welcome section on their website:

“We understand that individuals who have served in Iraq and Afghanistan--and their families--may need help dealing with the effects of wartime service. We want to help you heal and offer a variety of mental health services to address your needs. We are a nonprofit organization providing free mental health services to U.S. military personnel and loved ones affected by the current conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan. This includes members of the National Guard and Reserves who have not yet deployed. We are offering a range of mental health services in order to address a variety of needs for those of you seeking services. We are also providing links to a variety of resources for military families, including articles that discuss the kinds of difficulties military families encounter and services available from national, state, and local organizations.” www.GiveAnHour.org

Go to the website and search for a provider in the Scardale 10583 zip code and you’ll see me, Tamera Schreur, Family Therapist, on the list along with four other mental health clinicians, Dr. Andrea Garry, Cindy Hyatt, Cheryl Kessner, and Dr. Rita Smith. I’m available right now to help someone. So are the other four clinicians. And, if you are in another part of the state or country, you can find other clinicians ready to give an hour of their time (each week)!

Why did we all sign up to do this for free?

Because we care. Because we know mental health treatment really helps. It can help keep someone alive. It can help with depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Family treatment can help with deployment adjustments. Conjoint treatment can help (married and unmarried) couples face the challenges of life together or apart again. Child or teen therapy can help reduce the stress faced by the children of military men and women.

Remember, it’s free, confidential, and available right now. Sounds too good to be true, but it’s not.

Now, do your part. Tell someone you know about Give An Hour. www.GiveAnHour.org

E-motion: The Pursuit of Happiness

E-motion: Are you a Too Nice Parent?

E-motion: The Power Of Talking Together

E-motion: Do Some Good For Others, It'll Do Some Good For You Too!

Free Mental Health Services for our Troops

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