Edgemont and Scarsdale have excellent schools for children.  But some kids have trouble adjusting, no matter how good the school is.  By now you know if you have a child who is adjusting easily or if you have one who isn’t.  One group of parents is thankful and relaxed as the school day starts, the other group tense and wary.

Here are a few suggestions, in case you are still trying to solve the conundrum of adjustment.

Be positive and caring with your child.   It is a big deal for a child to go to a new classroom, have a new teacher, new school, new expectations, new routines, and new students around.  Some children need extra time to adjust.  Shy children, sensitive children, or children who have complicated things going on in their lives (family problems, marital struggles, recent move, etc.) are especially apt to need extra time to adjust smoothly.

·        Acknowledge the negative emotions.  

·        Normalize the struggle. 

·        Talk positively with your child overall. 

Say something like, “I know you feel sad and a little scared sometimes at school.  Sometimes it takes a while to get used to new things and have those sad and scared feelings go away.  That’s ok.  Let’s also remember that you have a great school and one of the best teachers around.   And, you’ve already made a new friend.” 

Being positive with your child includes monitoring what they might overhear you saying to someone else.  A child has fine-tuned antennae that immediately pick up the smallest of parental signals.  I call them “Mickey Mouse Ears.   It won’t match if they hear you being positive with them and then telling your friends negative things about school.

Stay calm yourself.   Your stress and anxiety will be noticed by your child.  Sometimes children reflect the struggle of a parent who is ambivalent about letting the child go to school.  It can be a big deal for parents too.  Take care of yourself and do what you need to stay in a positive and calm place emotionally.  Drop off and pick up are the most critical times.  If you can’t manage to do either or both in a calm positive manner, enlist help from your spouse, friend or relative.  Often children will behave quite differently with the other parent or a close friend. 

Remind your child how he/she adjusted positively in the past.  Think of something, large or small, that was hard for your child and how he/she overcame it.  Talk about it together and help reinforce the idea that your child has resources inside to use to help get through the adjustment difficulties.  Ask your child what would help (other than not going to school!).  Often a certain part of the day is hardest for a child; for example, drop off, lunch, or recess.   It may be a big thing that bothers him/her, or it may be a smaller thing.   From a child’s perspective, it all matters.  Brainstorm together about how to solve the most worrisome part.   Ask, “What would make (fill in the blank) time easier for you?”  Try to help your child be as specific as possible in being part of formulating a positive plan of action.    Saying simply, “Tomorrow will be better” is not as effective as “Tomorrow I’ll look for my new friend and go over and show him my new lunchbox after you drop me off.”

Get your child up 20 minutes earlier.   School mornings can be full of rushing, pushing and parental commands.  “Do this, remember that, finish now, etc.”  A frantic start leads to high stress.  High stress increases the likelihood of problems throughout the day.  Prepare things the night before, get everyone to bed on time, and get your child up 20 minutes earlier in the morning.   A calm more relaxed start will positively influence the whole day.

Work with the school.   Struggles the first week back to school are fairly common, especially for smaller children.  If the struggles go into the second week and beyond, ask to meet with your child’s teacher, without the child present. Try to find out more specifics about the school side of the struggle, and share more specifics with the school from the home side.  Your child is likely new to the teacher, so help the teacher know more about him/her.  Let the teacher know about any unique situations or special needs.  It will make the picture clearer for both of you.   Remember, most teachers have dealt with this issue repeatedly and will have valuable wisdom to share.  Consult a professional if problems are severe or simply do not abate. 

Come up with a good plan and see it through.  School adjustment tantrums are so public, sometimes embarrassingly big, and the child’s distress so acute that a parent can feel desperate to eliminate the problem.   Sometimes parents grab at straws trying one fix and then another, rapidly in succession, including pulling a child out of school or changing schools within the first few weeks.  Remember, solutions can take time.  Try not to get overwhelmed.  Stay hopeful, calm, and as clear headed as you can.   Although you are the expert on your child, working together with experienced school staff will help you develop a good plan of action.   Don’t alter or give up on the plan too quickly.  It might not work the first day you try it, or the second.  That doesn’t mean it isn’t going to work.

 

Tomorrow is the wedding anniversary of one of my favorite couples.  Their wedding day was a mountain top experience.  Literally!   Yes, they had a very cool ceremony and reception on the top of a mountain. 

They are still keeping the vows they made four years ago.  They are still committed to each other.  They still love each other.  In addition, over the last four years, I’ve watched these things not just stay in place, but grow!

Anniversaries are special.  They are dates to mark on the calendar, remember, and observe.  We mark many anniversaries besides weddings.   Some are happier events than others.  Earlier this week we marked a somber ten year anniversary. 

I think we are drawn, as people, to mark things, like anniversaries, whether joyful or somber or anything in-between.  One day on the calendar isn’t all that different than the day before or after.  But, if the date is an anniversary, it IS different because of what we associate with that date.   It becomes endowed with meaning.  Celebrating anniversaries helps us remember what’s important.  It helps us reserve time to honor and celebrate.  It helps us go forward into the future.

For couples, celebrating anniversaries is an opportunity to be reminded not just of the wedding day, but of marriage.  Weddings, no matter how long you plan in advance, take place in one day.  Marriage involves months, years, and, for some, decades.  Staying married these days is an accomplishment.  It takes commitment as well as love.  Many couples tell me it is that commitment, in fact, not love, that keeps them going through the rough patches. 

And, yes, most marriages have rough patches.  Sometimes they are small, easily fixed rough patches, but sometimes they are major potholes, like an affair, or other breach of trust.  These patches need extensive and time consuming repair.  We don’t always know how to do such repair.  Sometimes a couple needs professional help to get through such a rough patch.  Each anniversary is an accomplishment to be celebrated.

I’ve noticed that traditional wedding planning seems to be granted to the bride to manage, yet anniversary planning is handed over to the groom.  Have you noticed the commercials on television and the ads in the paper?  They often seem to be about a man making the event special for a woman, usually by purchasing something quite expensive. 

Here’s an anniversary idea a couple shared recently that contrasts sharply with such marketing practices.   It balances the gender equation.  This happily married couple takes turns year by year.  One year he does it.  The next year she does it.  Each year one spouse uses what he/she knows best about the other to craft a unique surprise, or series of surprises.  Unlike a birthday, the celebration is about both of them.  But, like a birthday, the celebration is geared especially to delight one of them, according to tastes, preferences, and wishes.  It’s been as simple as a picnic by candlelight.  It’s been as involved as a trip to an exotic location.  The amount of money spent is deliberately not the point for this couple.  A stranger could buy you something you like.  But, only someone who knows you deeply can craft a celebration like they do.  Their focus is to honor and treasure the partner in simple and profound gestures.  With that focus, the marriage bond is celebrated and strengthened.   This couple’s idea seems, to me, a way of saying “I Do” all over again. 

The second idea I heard was from a couple together for over 20 years.  Each year around their anniversary they take a trip.  While away from everyday routines, structure, and concerns, they take significant time to evaluate their marriage over the last year.  They do this evaluation first on their own, and then together in a long loving conversation.  It becomes a dialogue of reflection, encouragement, and critique.  They spend a lot of the time listening.  They are careful to keep the critique part from turning into a litany of complaints.  Instead, they look together at what they wish had been different and then talk about specific ways to make it better in the coming year of marriage.   With backgrounds in education, they even go so far as to offer each other a marriage letter grade for the year.   Not every couple wants the reflection style or grading of this couple.  Personally, I like the reflection part, but am not likely to ask my spouse for a grade on our next anniversary!  But, for this couple, it clearly works to keep their marriage vibrant.  Remember, we are all different.

Are you married?  Look forward to your anniversary and celebrate well!  Celebrate in a style that fits for the two of you.  It will strengthen and enrich your marriage.

What do you remember from 9-11-01?  I would think any of you age 15 or older can instantly give the precise details on where you were, what you were doing, and how you heard about the tragedies. 

The date is embedded in US history unlike any other.  It marks a trauma for us as a nation.  Our New York skyline is not the same.  And, we are not the same. 

Some of us lost a loved one.  Many of us know someone who lost a loved one.   1 World Trade Center is all too close to us here in Scarsdale, NY.   Our hearts still ache.

There are many things that traumatize people.  War, atrocities like rape, accidents, violence, abuse, severe illness, and bullying are traumatizing.  A trauma usually happens without warning.  We feel unprepared and powerless to prevent it.  After a trauma we are left feeling frightened, vulnerable, and helpless.  People often experience both emotional and physical symptoms such as;

·        Emotional: