Just a week ago we were all bracing for the nightmare named Irene.  And today, it seems very much a thing of the past.   Well, maybe you are one of the unlucky ones still getting water out of your basement or dealing with power outages, but, basically, aren’t we all full of relief that it wasn’t worse?

Sweet relief.  Life hands us lots of things that are hard.  Sometimes our expectations and worry are on target with what actually happens.  Sometimes reality is worse.   But today, I’m grateful that Irene’s wallop turned out to be more of a slap, than a punch, for New York. 

So, maybe you are wondering why you are feeling so tired out and exhausted.   Maybe you or a family member is still feeling somewhat uneasy or worried.  Maybe you are relieved, but finding yourself on edge and not able to concentrate.

That’s normal.

Even though Irene didn’t hit as hard as expected, we’ve just been through a crisis.  Going through a crisis takes a toll emotionally.   It’s kind of like a flooded river.   Our emotions take a while to recede after they are flooded.  Depending on how the storm impacted you personally, the level of emotional flooding may be moderate to high.  It will take some time to get back to normal. 

Much of our lives are planned to a tee.  We have predictable routines, schedules, and expectations about how things will go.   And then, a crisis or natural disaster comes along, and life turns into a wild storm we can’t control, no matter how much we want to, or how much money or influence we have.  

As you recover from Irene, you are likely dealing with many things—getting power restored, filing an insurance claim, removing downed trees, or reassuring your children.  Sadly, some along the eastern seaboard are dealing with the severity of loss of life or home.   Even people not in Irene’s path experienced a level of increased worry because the network coverage saturated the whole USA, and, indeed, the world.   Sadly, some along the eastern seaboard are dealing with severe crisis-- loss of life or home. 

Give yourself permission to take time to get back to normal.  Like Metro North service, it takes time to get back to normal.  If you are parenting, it is especially important to remember that children may face continued fears or worry for some time to come.  Children do not have the capacity to think like adults.    Small children may have trouble going to sleep, high anxiety any changes in weather, or not want to separate.  Older children and teens may show signs of stress also with behavior or emotional changes.  Tune in to your children and be ready to give them special care if needed.  If things seem severe or don’t return to normal fairly soon, seeking help from a counselor or physician is in order.  On top of getting over Irene, children and youth have another big event coming up soon—school starts.  Any time we have several big events packed together, whether planned or unexpected, it is harder to manage.  Make sure to give yourself and your children the help needed.

The Red Cross offers these suggestions for managing emotional recovery following a disaster:

·         Try to return to as many of your personal and family routines as possible.

·         Get rest and drink plenty of water.

·         Limit your exposure to the sights and sounds of disaster, especially on television, the radio and in the newspapers. 

·         Focus on the positive. 

·         Recognize your own feelings. 

·         Reach out and accept help from others. 

·         Do something you enjoy. Do something as a family that you have all enjoyed in the past. 

·         Stay connected with your family and/or other support systems. 

·         Realize that, sometimes, recovery can take time. 

 So, as we all recover, reach out and get any help you might need.  Be an extra caring parent and/or neighbor.  Be there for each other.  Give thanks for what you have.  

Going through the crisis of Irene was a unifying experience.    We can continue coming together to get past the crisis and back to full emotional strength.

Whether New York escapes Hurricane Irene’s furry or not, we can’t escape being bombarded with news about her.  Are you worried?  Starting to panic?  Stressed to the max?  Watching the news non-stop?

Here’s my plea:  Don’t freak out your kids.  Protect them, regardless of their age, from all the stressing.

Why?  Simply put, it can be traumatic for them. 

That’s right, regardless of if your child ends up in the actual path of the storm, the anticipatory stressing can leave a trail of storm damage emotionally.   You are getting ready to handle the storm physically.  Make sure you get ready to handle the storm emotionally too.

Here are a few tips:

Get your kids away from the television.   That’s right, just turn it off.   By now, some children have already been watching hours and hours of storm forecasting. Each terrifying prediction, each scary video, and each worrisome analysis is taken as fact by children.  Children are literal thinkers.  Hearing and watching continual news hype is going to increase fear and create high levels of unneeded stress.  Go ahead and check the news yourself as needed away from your children, but keep the kids out of it, even if they seem like they are drawn to it.

Stay calm.  Your kids are going to take their cues from the adults around them.  Do what you need to get ready, but try your best to stay calm while you do the needed preparations. 

Do the preparations needed for your location, and then settle down and find something to take your mind off the hurricane.     

Maintain routine as best as possible.  Children thrive on routine.   Keep what routine you can in place for your children.   It will provide a needed sense of calm and help the whole family relax during a stressful time.   

Answer your child’s questions honestly, but with age appropriate information.  Depending on your child’s age, they may be asking for simple reassurance or more in-depth details.   Limit what you say to just answering the question asked.  Don’t overdo it.  Check in about the feeling behind the question as well.  Excessive questions may indicate your child is already highly stressed and seeking reassurance more than answers.  Most of all, children need to know they will be taken care of.   You can’t control the storm’s path, but you can control the path of information your child receives. 

Be positive.  Yes, we’re facing a major storm with potential nightmare like damage.  Keeping positive will go far towards helping your child avoid getting unnecessary nightmares or stress.  Children need the adults in their lives to be in charge.  You are in charge of keeping a positive atmosphere alive in your household during this stressful time.   Reassure your child that you have handled things as needed and will take care of them.

Encourage play as usual.  Play is the work of a child.  Encourage your children to play, laugh, and relax.  Get out some board games that don’t require electricity or batteries and play together.  Keep the atmosphere light and adventuresome.    

Take care of your teens too.  It’s not just small children or elementary age children that are impacted.  Teens will also benefit from being pulled away from the television, given reassurance, and encouraged to take their minds off the storm.  Let them help with preparations but let them also be kids who can relax because they have adults who are in charge.

Using the above tips will help your children and you come through the storm in a calmer place.  It will be better for all of you.

 

Patience is a virtue.  

“Plotless.” 
Browsing through descriptions of upcoming ballets came across this strange (to me) descriptor:  plotless.     What’s the difference between a ballet with plot and one without, I wondered?  Is a ballet without a plot as popular as one without?   Which one would most interest my daughter? 

Lots of things have plots—ballets, plays, books gardens.    Most often plot is used in a literary fashion to describe the events that make up a story and how they connect to one another.  Plot is also used as a verb, as in when we plot out a journey we plan to take.  I suppose one could take a plotless journey.   What would that look like?  But, could someone write a plotless book?

It got me thinking.  What about our lives?  Do our lives have plots?  Can someone live a plotless life?  Would someone want to live a plotless life?

 

I’ve never heard someone talk about their life plot,  but I’ve heard a lot about having goals or a plan for life.  Taking some literary liberties, I suppose you could roughly equate a life plot to a masterplan comprised of specific goals.  An author devotes considerable energy and time to develop a plot for a story.   How much effort are you putting in to developing the plot or master plan for your life? 

 

I’m writing this from 32,000 feet in the air sitting with a few hundred strangers.  Everyone is headed someplace.  Everyone around me has a life filled with people, places, and activities, including being on this plane with me.  Today my life plot intersects with the plot of the strangers around me.

When we have a masterplan for our life we benefit in many ways.

·         We figure out what is most important to us.

·         We gain clarity for how to go forward.

·         A plan keeps us accountable to ourselves, to others, and to our purpose.

·         A plan motivates, especially when we run into rough spots.

·         A plan can inspire us to go farther, climb higher, and be the best person we are capable of being.

When we have a masterplan, we have the structure to develop smaller plots or goals for life.  Consider, for example, what goals you have for various areas in your life—career, family, education, community, spiritual, or financial.  Consider also that life has various stages with each one requiring changes from the last—childhood, teens, young adult, middle and older adult.  All of these benefit from developing goals that fit into one’s masterplan for life.

When I was growing up my father always kept a small card with in his shirt pocket.  On it he wrote various goals.  He would regularly take it out, cross something out or add something.    The card was a small, but specific part of his masterplan.  If you looked at the cards, you could tell what was important to him, what he was capable of doing, what he enjoyed doing, and what responsibilities he had.  You could even tell how important his marriage was to him because on each and every card he always included this item:  “Kiss my wife.”

Here’s a great mnemonic for developing subplots goals for various
parts of life:

SMART

·         S  Specific or significant

·         M  Measurable or meaningful

·         A  Attainable or action oriented

·         R  Relevant or rewarding

·         T  Trackable or time bound

Back to the ballet.  I could see from the seat availability chart that the plotless ballet was still pretty popular.  I might even buy tickets and take my daughter.  I think we would enjoy it.

While I do believe it is important to have a plot for our lives, there’s something to be said for including plenty of spontaneity as well.   I think it can even be part of the plot, if you will.   Simply sitting back and enjoying the form of life itself has benefit.   After all, life is a gift.  And, life is good.  Make the best of yours.

A select group of you are facing something huge this fall.  You are sending a son or daughter off to college.  Your offspring is about to leave the nest.  Two questions loom.  They’re biggies.

Does my teen know how to fly?

Am I ready to let my child fly?

I hope your answer to both questions is, “yes!”

Most of the parents I’ve talked to gave a quivering “yes” or even a tearful “no.”  This contrasts with their teens who told me excitedly, "Yes, I'm ready to leave home!"

Letting a child go off to college can be a parent’s worst nightmare.  Or, it can be a welcome respite.  It can also be anything in between.

The transition of leaving the nest is full of ambivalence for parents and young adults.  There is an ebb and flow of holding on and letting go from both sides.  Like the mighty Hudson, the ebb and flow is repeated over and over.  But, unlike predictable river tides, the currents of college transition can sneak up and overwhelm you when least expected.

So, get ready to predict your emotions will be unpredictable.  If you are a person who is highly organized or always in control of emotions, this may be unwelcome and uncomfortable. 

The vacillating feelings for parents and teens can include:

Anxiety

Even positive transitions, like going to college, are stressful and can lead to anxiety.  It’s easy to be anxious when you wonder if your teen is “ready to fly.”  Will they get good grades?  Will they make friends easily?  Will they be homesick?  Who will be there to give support? Some anxiety is normal.  Too much is paralyzing and can get in the way of letting young adults go gracefully.  Teens, whether they admit it or not, are wondering about the same things as their parents, and more! Too much anxiety for your teen can immobilize them at the very time they need a high degree of energy. 

If you are a parent, keep in mind how hard you’ve worked to help your child learn the skills of independence.  You taught them to tie their shoes.  You helped them learn to cross the street safely.  You coached them on how to succeed with homework and lessons.  And now it is time for those skills to coalesce.  Your son or daughter will carry your strong foundation with them.  Letting them go gracefully is giving a vote of confidence to your youngster. It is a great way to show you believe your son or daughter is capable and equipped from the training you’ve provided. Think about the reverse.  If you do notlet your young adult fly, are you implying you don’t believe in them?

Resentment

Young adults often start pushing away from parents in early August, several weeks before classes start.  It’s a way of testing out those fledgling wings.  They often want to spend every waking moment with their high school friends before separating to go to various colleges.  They know they are going to miss their friends, so they cling to them.  They know they’re going to leave the comfy parental nest, so they push.  It’s easy for some resentment to creep up for parents who want to enjoy every last precious moment together.  Kids can also get resentful of parents who cling or control all the decisions around college.

Grief

Both of you have barely completed the tension packed marathon of college applications, visits, and decisions.  Did you take a breather yet to rest and sort out your emotions?  It’s a good idea.  With leave taking comes loss.  The whole family is impacted.  Parents who have wrapped much of their time, energy, and self-definition into a child can find this time sad and worrisome.  It’s easy to wonder, “What’s going to fill my life now? Or, how am I going to manage without her/him?”  Siblings also face multiple changes when an older sister or brother leaves.  Couples whose last or only child is leaving will face a transition in their relationship. 

Excitement

The day looms when it all comes together.  It’s going to happen, regardless of how you feel or if you have everything prepared.  So, celebrate and enjoy.  Be present in the moments as they happen.  Be grateful for each other.  Be grateful for each and every day. 

Regardless of how you are feeling, here’s one thing to avoid: blocking out your feelings.  It’s important to grapple with feelings, not deny them.   Find a safe way to express them and safe people to share them with.  Avoid fending off the looming emotions with a frenzy of buying things for college life.

Both you and your teen have many transitions ahead as college begins.  It doesn’t end the day classes begin.  Take good care of yourself.  Encourage your teen to do likewise.  Eat properly.  Get extra sleep.  Take time to relax and exercise.  Do some things you enjoy.  Take time to reflect and ponder. 

Perhaps it’s helpful to come back to the baby bird analogy.  Consider this, if you were a baby bird teetering on the nest, looking at the far away ground below, what would help most—a mama or papa bird saying, “Hold on, honey, I don’t know if your wings are going to hold up, your feathers aren’t really developed yet, be careful!” Or a mama or papa bird who says this, “Oh, my beloved, you have developed such strong wings, go now and enjoy soaring!”

And, baby birds out there, when you’re off flying, remember to send down a thankful chirp or two to that mama or papa bird back in the empty nest.