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TAMERA SCHREUR, MA, L.M.F.T.

Listen to the Voices in Your Head

8/11/2015

 
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Have you seen it?  Pixar's newest release, Inside Out?  
It's good, really good.  Like, awesome.  Pixar is great at humanizing things that aren't human, like toys, fish and rats.   In this movie what is humanized?  Well, emotions!  And true to our expectations, Pixar does it with creative aplomb!

I'm recommending the movie for my clients, family, and friends.   

It's not just a movie for kids!  It's a movie for everyone.  We don't get Emotions 101 in our school core curriculum.   So, sometimes we miss out, or are delayed, in understanding some pretty important things about how our emotions work, how to take care of our emotions, how to make good choices when we feel a certain way, and how to connect to others emotionally in healthy ways.  All pretty important stuff.

Not understanding our  basic emotions and how to handle them in healthy ways can lead to lots of issues for individuals, for families, and for couples too. Even impact stuff at school and work and in our communities.  

It's the sort of stuff that can blow up on us at times.   The sort of blow up that can make you call a therapist for an emergency appointment! 

Dealing with emotions is the stuff of life.  For everyone.  We all have a full range of emotions.  Like the main character, Riley, in the movie, we all have joy, sadness, anger, fear and disgust.  We all are impacted by our emotions.   We all respond in various ways to our emotions.  Most people "like" some of their emotions more than others.  Riley sure does.  Honoring our range of emotions makes us stronger as people.  The movie is especially good at helping us understand the role and importance of sadness.  

Sometimes people respond to  their emotions in ways that aren't so healthy.  Sometimes people aren't even aware of the connection between their thoughts and actions-- and the emotions going on inside them.  I like to call it "Our Trio"--thinking, feeling, doing.  Each of us tends to lead with one part of the trio.  But we all do better if we connect each part with the other parts so our thoughts, feelings, and actions all connect and work together.  Therapists like myself often work with people to better understand their emotional self and how it impacts things around them--and how to get the unhealthy emotional reaction stuff headed the other way, to healthier responses.  

Inside Out is a fun, engaging and creative movie.  AND,  it deals with something really important--emotions.  The movie handles this big topic with genius.   And the movie is based on good science.  All round, it's a win win.

It's pretty cool for me, as a therapist, to see some of this "help" stuff being looked at and promoted in a popular movie, especially one geared for all ages! I think this movie will influence kids (and grownups) to understand emotions better.  And, that will lead to better relationships and healthier families.  Movies become part of our lives and shape our culture, for better or for worse.  This one is definitely for better!

Inside Out is a treasure.  Go see it, or see it again!  

Image by Rebekah Schott    rebekahschott.com

Better Than Chocolate!

2/14/2011

 
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Article reprinted from PATCH Scarsdale, NY in Tamera Schreur's weekly
E-motion column
http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/better-than-chocolate#photo-954721


What does she really want? Can I make him happy this year? What gift will delight her? Tension can arise both before the special day, as well as on Valentine’s Day if expectations – especially those not expressed out loud – are not met.



Finding the best gift for Valentine’s Day can be an elusive task.

What does she really want? Can I make him happy this year? What gift will delight her?  Tension can arise both before the special day, as well as on Valentine’s Day if expectations – especially those not expressed out loud – are not met.

“The Office,” a popular TV show that focuses on relationships, has a hilarious Feb. 14th episode where Phyllis gets everything she wants and more, including a six-foot teddy bear, while Pam sits stewing over the lack of even one gift from her boyfriend. Sure, most people like a nice gift, but what makes us really happy? Does giving a spectacular surprise on Valentine’s Day ensure happiness for you and your partner? 

 Believe it or not, people do study such things and the findings might not be popular at the confectionary or florist.  In their April 2010 article “Eavesdropping on Happiness,” researchers at the University of Arizona  found that one of the best gifts you can give is free. Yup, free.

What the researchers found is a link between happiness and spending time in deep conversation. Put simply, the researchers found that people who spend more time with others and more time in deep conversations have happier lives.  

The happiest participants had one third less small talk and twice as many substantive conversations. They indulged in deep conversation, not just chitchat consisting of phrases like “What’s for dinner tonight?” or “Are you going to pick up the kids, or should I?”

They shared richer, more meaningful information. You might compare it to a diet of humdrum snacks versus a diet that includes tantalizing gourmet food. Which sounds better to you? The researchers concluded that “people find their lives more worth living when examined—at least when examined together.”

So, back to Valentine’s Day. I’ve never seen this on a top ten list of best Valentine’s gifts to give, but wouldn’t it be sweet to give “Talk Coupons” for enticing talks together?

If this sounds too foreign for you or your partner’s taste, blend such a gift into a Valentine’s Dinner by including a few enriching questions while you’re having that special dinner. (Be ready for your partner to be surprised if your usual talk is primarily of the “lite” sort!) And then do it again next week, and the week after – you get the picture. 

It seems to be built into us to want to connect deeply with others. This does take work, though.  Work we often don’t prioritize.  It’s far too easy to get into daily patterns that leave little space for this. Juggling jobs, schedules and family is demanding. But don’t we all want to be happy? And don’t we want to have happy partners and families?  

So, try moving your conversation style up from snack level to gourmet! Make it a habit, just like other things that become part of your regular routine. Here are a few conversation appetizers to get you started: 

  • If we could get out of winter and go someplace fun, where would it be?
  • What things are important to you in creating a romantic evening?
  • What things in life give you the most joy?
  • What is the best way for me to encourage you?
  • When do you feel the most loved?
Talk together more. Talk together deeply. Talk together often. Try it, and then let me know -- what do you think? Is it better than chocolate?



 

    Author

    Musings on life and relationships from
    Family Therapist
    Tamera Schreur



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