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TAMERA SCHREUR, MA, L.M.F.T.

E-motion:  A Kinder Gentler Scarsdale

9/17/2012

 
Picture
http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-a-kinder-gentler-scarsdale 

I drive up and down the Ardsley Road hill to the train station often.  I walk up and down this hill often too.  Driving the hill is simple.  Walking the hill is never simple.  If you haven’t walked it, perhaps you don’t realize there is a sidewalk on only one side—and the sidewalk switches over to the other side of the road part way down the hill.  Don’t ask me why they built it that way.   Ask the planners who designed it.  In fact, while you’re at it, ask them why they made the hill so steep too! 

What this means is that everyone who walks the hill, whether they are a child, a teen, an elderly person, or even a disabled person, has to cross the road against two lanes of traffic, even if they don’t want to end up on the other side.  There is a crosswalk.  No signal lights, but there is a well-marked crosswalk.  And, there is a sign warning drivers of the crosswalk, more than one in fact.  They’re bright yellow. There’s even a sign reminding drivers it is a state law to yield for pedestrians in the crosswalk. 

But, do most drivers stop?  Nope.  They simply don’t.  Not here.  We seem to have developed a culture in the Scarsdale that says, “Pedestrians, you are on your own.  Only people in cars matter.” 

What’s with that kind of attitude and disregard for simple kindness, to say nothing of following the state law? 

I was surprised by how people drive here when I moved to Scarsdale three years ago.  There’s a pervasive style a friend of mine called “elbows out”.  As in; watch out, get out of my way, don’t make me wait, I want to go first; basically, the attitude, “I matter the most” prevails.  That “elbows out” stuff shows up in other ways too, but it is most obvious on the streets.

Heading up the hill in my car earlier this week, I watched a jogger on the other side waiting patiently for an opening to cross.  She got one, started across cautiously, then had to race back to the curb when a car actually sped up and zoomed over the crosswalk, narrowly missing the jogger.   So, here’s what I did.  I stopped.  I sat there, waiting in my lane, the second one she would need to cross, for her to get another opening on her side.  She finally did and crossed both lanes safely.  She waved at me with a big smile three times, she was so grateful.  Grateful because I obeyed the law.  And, here’s what happened behind me.   Can you guess?  Yup, the driver behind me (who also had to stop) was not happy. Even though that driver could see what was going on, that driver had to let me know with some ubiquitous honking that my kinder gentler approach was not to his liking.

Yup, getting across Ardsley by foot is a killer.  Let’s hope that is only metaphorical.

That “elbows out” stuff showed up on another hill yesterday.  I was second in line waiting in my car to turn onto Ardsley.  Traffic was heavy, and this intersection is a hard one to get across, even if you are in a car.  The driver in front of me was not getting a chance to make a left turn safely.  Can you guess what happened next?  Sure enough, the driver in the car waiting behind me started laying on the horn.  Then, I saw his hand shoot out the window with a particular finger raised.  You know what I mean.  But that apparently wasn’t enough.  Next thing I know, that driver jumped out of the car, pumped both arms menacingly, and started yelling loudly to get a move on.   I actually got scared of what might happen next.  Thankfully, the first car turned soon after, allowing me to make a quick right and get out of the way before he peeled off across Ardsley. 

Perhaps Ardsley Road should be re-named Angers Road.

When we carry around extreme tension, when we grab every second to advance ourselves before another, when we think “me first or my family first” almost exclusively, we really aren’t doing ourselves any good.  It may seem like a way to success, but really, the biggest gain is an increase in blood pressure.

Living that way can make us all tight inside.  Living “elbows out” can result in chronic stress.  And chronic stress is linked to lots of negative effects, like heart attacks, stroke, lower immunity, blood sugar imbalance, poorer thinking, and even speeding up the aging process.  Chronic stress can lead to problems in our relationships too.  Even young kids are impacted in negative ways. 

It’s much better for us if we can learn to keep a steady pace, a relaxed calm in our daily lives and save the stress responses for when we really need them.  That’s what’s best for us physically and emotionally.

I like living in Scarsdale, but I’d like it even better if we had less “elbows out” attitude.  Our community would be a kinder and gentler place.  It would be an even better place to live, for us, for our kids, for our neighbors.

So, I’m all for putting the elbows down.  It’s a better way to live.  It’s better for you.  How about it?  Are you interested in joining me in keeping elbows at the side?

If so, I’ll sure be on the lookout for you next time I try to walk across Ardsley Road!

E-motion: Do Some Good For Others, It'll Do Some Good For You Too!

6/9/2011

 
Picture
http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-do-some-good-for-others

There’s a whole other world out there. And it’s only two hours from here. Over the weekend, I went along with a group up to the Catskills. Our goal: do some good for others.

We piled into cars with snacks, duffle bags and garden tools. Here and there, a colorful pair of cotton gloves sprouted from a pocket or bag. It’s become an annual pilgrimage of sorts for this group to go up to Claryville and help plant a garden. Not a little backyard 4’ by 4’ — no, this is a huge community garden that provides a summer’s worth of fresh food for 35 families in the area. 

It’s pretty amazing how quickly you move from urban to suburban and then to peaceful rural when you drive north. And I mean really peaceful, because there is no cell service in Claryville! At first the teens among us (ok, not only the teens) kept getting out their cells and trying, trying, trying for a bar or two. Nothing.  One teen admitted that it was actually pretty scary.

Then, the phones got replaced with garden tools. Trowels, hoses, shovels and even a John Deere tractor provided by a local farmer. A  Boy Scout troop showed up to help us. So did some families with toddlers in tow. Everyone pitched in. 

Working together, we loosened last year’s soil, pulled weeds and picked out rocks. Some of us climbed on the tractor and learned how to drive well enough to go fetch a big scoop of mulch. Others kept picking weeds. Our backs got tired and our knees got sore. Kneeling is a tough posture to maintain for long!

And then it was time to plant. Have you ever tucked a small vegetable plant into the group and patted the soil gently around it, thinking of ripe tomatoes, snap fresh peas or glistening corn?

They don’t look like much when you pop them out of the crinkly plastic container.  In fact, they reminded me of the oh-so-fragile neck of the newborn baby I’d held a few days before. But in a week or two, when the roots adjust, they’ll start to go crazy with growth. Leaves, shoots, then flowers and fruit. 

In a few weeks, the radishes and spinach will be on someone’s plate. And a few weeks later, the beans, peas and carrots will proclaim they’re ready to be eaten.  By August, people will biting into tomatoes that have a taste you simply can’t find at a grocery store. The pumpkins, broccoli and squash will produce well into the fall. 

That’s a lot of food and nutrition. 

Food for a lot of people who need it and wouldn’t get it if this community garden didn’t exist. 

We were revived by a lunch cooked for us by three kind ladies from the church. We needed that, because after the plants went in, the next two steps had us back on our knees. Forever, it seemed. 

“Spread newspapers all around each plant,” the coordinator guided us. “It keeps down the weeds. Less weeds means less work later and more food to share.”  I was impressed when one creative woman found a way to actually read a few articles while she mulched!  “And then, after the newspapers, pile loads of straw on top of each bed,” we were told. 

It seemed like a recipe. Clean out the bed. Insert seed or seedling. Cover with newspaper. Top with layer of straw icing. Bake in full sun for two to eight weeks.  Remove. Eat and enjoy.

We got the entire garden planted. Together. Working hard.  For a purpose.

And did I tell you it’s a huge garden? But we got it planted before dark. When you work for a common goal with other like-minded people, time moves differently and your muscles don’t hurt as much. Or maybe they do, but it's a good hurt, like one of the group members said as we stretched our backs. 

Gardening like this isn’t the normal daily activity for any of the people who went up from Scarsdale. No, daily life for the youngsters and teens who went on this trip is mostly indoors and revolves around schoolwork and activities in the Hudson Valley area. And for the adults, well, going into the city all dressed for the Financial District or midtown office is what’s more familiar. Probably similar to what's familiar for you too.

Like I said, it’s a whole other world out there. And it's only two hours away.

We did some good for others. And it did some good for us, too. 

Except for an herb leaf or two, no one can eat from the garden yet. But for each of us who went last Saturday, the taste of making this trip  together—to do some good for others—is already sweet.

Sweet, indeed.

The Power Of Caring

4/6/2011

 
Picture
Published on Scarsdale Patch
http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-the-power-of-caring



This week I’m compelled to write about suicide.  More specifically, I want to stand up and say that we can prevent suicide.  We exist in networks with other people.  Our family, neighborhood, village, workplace, faith community and school are places where we interact with others.  Ideally, our networks are places for us to know, care, and help each other.  They are places to find community.  But that doesn’t always happen.

We might work with someone every day but be like strangers.

We might pass someone in the hall and say "heh," but have no idea how that person is feeling.

That person might be considering suicide.  We might not even notice.

Many people have thoughts of suicide when they are hurting deeply.  Most people who consider suicide find a way to go on with their life, often by receiving the support of family, friends, and professionals.  Some people in crisis do not find a way to go on.  The thoughts of suicide don’t go away.  A tragic ending is the result.  Usually people in this situation do not want to end their lives-- they want to end their pain.  They view suicide as a way to solve the problem of their pain.

I have talked with many people considering suicide in my work as a mental health professional.  Some were younger than age 10.  Some were older than age 60.  They were men, women, teens and children.   I’ve known educated, intelligent, capable and strong people, who had thoughts of ending their lives.  Yes, you read that last line correctly.  Anyone can have a time of extreme crisis in their life when thought processes are not operating in healthy ways and suicide is considered.  Feelings of isolation are common among those at risk of suicide.  In times of crisis, a caring and supportive person can make the difference between life and death.  You might be that person for someone.
·        In the United States, suicide rates go up in the spring.
·        Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death in young people ages 15-24.
·        Suicide is the 4th leading cause of death in people ages 18-65.
·        Suicide is the 5th leading cause of death in children ages 5-14.
·        Every 15 minutes someone dies by suicide in the United States

When someone dies by suicide, the pain for surviving family and friends is heart wrenching.  In addition to grief, it can include puzzlement, anger, and intense times of wondering what if.  People often blame themselves for not doing more while the person was alive.  They might even wrongly take responsibility for the death.  The sad fact is, we cannot bring someone who is dead back to life.  The hopeful fact is, we can work together to prevent suicide of someone else.  This is something we can do.  Let’s make prevention a priority in our communities.

So, how do we focus on prevention of suicide?  Here are three things we can all start on:

First:  Know the warning signs

Some people are really good at hiding the fact that they are considering suicide.  But in many, if not most situations, there are warning signs that indicate a person is in crisis.  They include:

·        Feeling hopeless, desperate, or trapped (can’t see a way out, can’t  imagine life getting better)

·        Talking about suicide or threatening to hurt self

·        Withdrawing from friends, family and usual activities

·        High risk behavior or extreme recklessness

·        Marked change in mood

·        Extreme depression

·        Purposelessness (can’t see a reason to keep living or expressing a wish to die)

·        Increased substance use or change in substance used

·        Can’t sleep, eat, work, or play

·        Can’t get control or make the pain go away

·        Uncontrolled anger or revenge

·        Restlessness, anxiety, or extreme agitation

·        Can’t think clearly or can’t make decisions

·        Making a plan (can include getting the means to die, such as pills or gun as well as giving away special possessions)

Second:  Connect and listen

If you see these warning signs, speak up and talk to the person!  Do it even if it feels uncomfortable or strange.  Connect and listen.  Ways to start this type of conversation include saying: “I’ve noticed some differences in you lately.  How are things going?  How’ve you been feeling?”  Or, “How are you doing?  You don’t seem quite like yourself.  Can we grab a cup of coffee/soda together and talk?”

People often think asking someone if they are feeling suicidal or having thoughts of hurting themselves will give them the idea and make it worse.  This is not true.  You can’t make someone feel suicidal by asking.  Asking shows you care.  It can make a person feel less alone and less hopeless.  The person might feel a big sense of relief to talk about it with someone else.  Many people who had suicidal thoughts have said talking with someone stopped them from a suicide attempt.  A caring human exchange has great power.

It can be awkward to ask, but it can save a life.  Ask gently, but ask clearly with words such as, “Are you feeling so badly that you have thoughts about hurting yourself?”  If the answer is “no”, great.   If the answer is “yes”, professional help is needed.  Continue your connection and listening.  Don’t leave the person alone.  Take the situation seriously.  Don’t promise to keep things secret.  (Note: this is especially important for teenagers to be aware of.)  A life is at stake.  Get help immediately from a trained professional who knows how to continue evaluating the risk and take the needed steps to keep a suicidal people safe. 

Third:  Know how to get help

Call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room if the crisis is acute.

Call a suicide hotline, like 1-800-273-TALK to connect immediately to a trained specialist at a local crisis center.  Hotlines are for people considering suicide or people concerned about someone else.  The call is confidential and free.  Why not put 1-800-273-TALK into your phone contact list after you are done reading this article and forward this article to others?   It might save a life.

 Let’s work together to excel as a community that cares.

If you’d like to read further on suicide prevention, or find a mental health professional, online resources include:

http://www.afsp.org  The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org  National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

http://www.therapistlocator.net  or http://www.therapists.psychologytoday.com to find a qualified mental health professional in your area.

 http://www.whatadifference.samhsa.gov  for people dealing with mental illness and their friends


    Author

    Musings on life and relationships from
    Family Therapist
    Tamera Schreur



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