Director David Frankel took a risk to feature Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones in Hope Springs. It’s not the usual love story. It’s not the usual summer blockbuster either. Hollywood, for all the respect given to AARP-aged actors, usually shows us a glamorous young couple when it comes to romance. 

Action movies and animation are the more typical summer fare. Just released last weekend to do summer battle at the box office with The Campaign and The Bourne Legacy, it’ll be interesting to keep an eye on the success ofHope Springs.  

Whether it makes it big at the box office or not, I liked this film.  And, I recommend it to couples! Whether your relationship is new or old, in good shape or deteriorating, this movie is a good one for couples to see. Catch it this weekend at City Center 15 in White Plains or Showcase Cinema de Lux at Ridge Hill. 

I’m a fan of the incomparable Meryl Streep. Add to that, the movie includes Dr. Bernie Feld, a therapist (Steve Carell from The Office). That’s always interesting to someone like me, who is in the same profession. It does take some mental gymnastics to let go of the expectation for Carell to turn the movie into a comedy, but once you do, you get to sit back and enjoy him playing his role with deadpan aplomb. And get this; Dr. Feld has good professional ethics. Unlike way too many movies where the therapist unethically ends up in bed with the client, this movie keeps the married couple in bed with each other.

This love story shows life’s realistic ups and downs. It starts with the downs.  This couple is familiar with every nuance of each other, but far from connected. Their 31-year marriage is present in a piece of paper, but absent in intimacy of all forms. They no longer feel in love, or even attracted to each other. They sleep in separate bedrooms. Their conversations revolve around small details devoid of emotion. Monogamy has become monotonous for this couple.

The wife, Kay (played by Streep) realizes she wants things to be different. She asks a friend, “Do you think you can change your marriage?”  Not really sure of her answer, she makes the courageous choice to try for change. She decides, “I want a real marriage again.”  And then timid Kay goes after it. Kay convinces her husband Arnold (played by Jones) to join her for a week of intensive couple’s therapy with the prominent Dr. Bernie Feld. Arnold does join her, albeit with brilliant reluctance that only Jones could pull off. 

The therapy is work–no quick glamorous fix here. There’s some poignant moments, even some pretty funny ones, but there’s no quick fix for this deeply entrenched couple. Dr. Feld works hard, proving he’s an experienced professional.  But the real work is between the couple. They work hard too.  These two, who’ve lived together for over 30 years, get to know each other in some ways for the very first time. And, true to life, it doesn’t all go well.

I don’t want to spoil the movie for you, so I’ll try not to.  

Except to say, the courage to go after an improved marriage produces change for Kay and Arnold.  Big time.  At least on screen. We get a glimpse of what the future holds during the credits as time fast forwards a year. 

Why not set up a date night with your sweetie and go watch it? Get a sitter for the kids if you have them. It’s the kind of movie to talk about afterwards. 

I would think many couples walk out of the theater wondering two questions:

• Is the movie realistic?
• Can marriages really change? 

I did. And, here’s my answer: Yes.

Creating a better marriage isn’t just a fantasy for the big screen. I’ve watched marriages improve, over and over again in my counseling office during the course of weeks and months.  Change can really happen. Things can really get better. The couples aren’t well-known like Streep and Jones. They’re pretty ordinary, like you and me.  And they have to work at it. And, the earlier a couple shows up to work on things, the better things usually go.

Maybe you are in one of those relationships, like Kay and Arnold, where intimacy is absent. Maybe you are in a relationship where the spark is flickering, the connection waning. Maybe you, like Kay, “want a real marriage again.”  Or, maybe things aren't so bad but you would still like change in areas that really matter to you.

With divorce statistics what they are, it’s easy to guess that plenty who watch this movie are in that unsatisfied group and wonder about the future of their relationship.  

What does it take to make relationship change happen? Well, for starters, work. Getting help from a professional is important. Courage, commitment, effort, time, humor; all of these help too. It might sound daunting, but think about it–don’t we expend these things in our education and career pursuits? Isn’t our most important relationship worth the effort also?  

I’ll give Hope Springs my vote. I hope you go see it, whether you can claim a 30+ year relationship or not.

It might even change up your relationship for the better. How many movies can do that?

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-a-blockbuster-for-couples 

Tomorrow is the wedding anniversary of one of my favorite couples.  Their wedding day was a mountain top experience.  Literally!   Yes, they had a very cool ceremony and reception on the top of a mountain. 

They are still keeping the vows they made four years ago.  They are still committed to each other.  They still love each other.  In addition, over the last four years, I’ve watched these things not just stay in place, but grow!

Anniversaries are special.  They are dates to mark on the calendar, remember, and observe.  We mark many anniversaries besides weddings.   Some are happier events than others.  Earlier this week we marked a somber ten year anniversary. 

I think we are drawn, as people, to mark things, like anniversaries, whether joyful or somber or anything in-between.  One day on the calendar isn’t all that different than the day before or after.  But, if the date is an anniversary, it IS different because of what we associate with that date.   It becomes endowed with meaning.  Celebrating anniversaries helps us remember what’s important.  It helps us reserve time to honor and celebrate.  It helps us go forward into the future.

For couples, celebrating anniversaries is an opportunity to be reminded not just of the wedding day, but of marriage.  Weddings, no matter how long you plan in advance, take place in one day.  Marriage involves months, years, and, for some, decades.  Staying married these days is an accomplishment.  It takes commitment as well as love.  Many couples tell me it is that commitment, in fact, not love, that keeps them going through the rough patches. 

And, yes, most marriages have rough patches.  Sometimes they are small, easily fixed rough patches, but sometimes they are major potholes, like an affair, or other breach of trust.  These patches need extensive and time consuming repair.  We don’t always know how to do such repair.  Sometimes a couple needs professional help to get through such a rough patch.  Each anniversary is an accomplishment to be celebrated.

I’ve noticed that traditional wedding planning seems to be granted to the bride to manage, yet anniversary planning is handed over to the groom.  Have you noticed the commercials on television and the ads in the paper?  They often seem to be about a man making the event special for a woman, usually by purchasing something quite expensive. 

Here’s an anniversary idea a couple shared recently that contrasts sharply with such marketing practices.   It balances the gender equation.  This happily married couple takes turns year by year.  One year he does it.  The next year she does it.  Each year one spouse uses what he/she knows best about the other to craft a unique surprise, or series of surprises.  Unlike a birthday, the celebration is about both of them.  But, like a birthday, the celebration is geared especially to delight one of them, according to tastes, preferences, and wishes.  It’s been as simple as a picnic by candlelight.  It’s been as involved as a trip to an exotic location.  The amount of money spent is deliberately not the point for this couple.  A stranger could buy you something you like.  But, only someone who knows you deeply can craft a celebration like they do.  Their focus is to honor and treasure the partner in simple and profound gestures.  With that focus, the marriage bond is celebrated and strengthened.   This couple’s idea seems, to me, a way of saying “I Do” all over again. 

The second idea I heard was from a couple together for over 20 years.  Each year around their anniversary they take a trip.  While away from everyday routines, structure, and concerns, they take significant time to evaluate their marriage over the last year.  They do this evaluation first on their own, and then together in a long loving conversation.  It becomes a dialogue of reflection, encouragement, and critique.  They spend a lot of the time listening.  They are careful to keep the critique part from turning into a litany of complaints.  Instead, they look together at what they wish had been different and then talk about specific ways to make it better in the coming year of marriage.   With backgrounds in education, they even go so far as to offer each other a marriage letter grade for the year.   Not every couple wants the reflection style or grading of this couple.  Personally, I like the reflection part, but am not likely to ask my spouse for a grade on our next anniversary!  But, for this couple, it clearly works to keep their marriage vibrant.  Remember, we are all different.

Are you married?  Look forward to your anniversary and celebrate well!  Celebrate in a style that fits for the two of you.  It will strengthen and enrich your marriage.