A select group of you are facing something huge this fall.  You are sending a son or daughter off to college.  Your offspring is about to leave the nest.  Two questions loom.  They’re biggies.

Does my teen know how to fly?

Am I ready to let my child fly?

I hope your answer to both questions is, “yes!”

Most of the parents I’ve talked to gave a quivering “yes” or even a tearful “no.”  This contrasts with their teens who told me excitedly, "Yes, I'm ready to leave home!"

Letting a child go off to college can be a parent’s worst nightmare.  Or, it can be a welcome respite.  It can also be anything in between.

The transition of leaving the nest is full of ambivalence for parents and young adults.  There is an ebb and flow of holding on and letting go from both sides.  Like the mighty Hudson, the ebb and flow is repeated over and over.  But, unlike predictable river tides, the currents of college transition can sneak up and overwhelm you when least expected.

So, get ready to predict your emotions will be unpredictable.  If you are a person who is highly organized or always in control of emotions, this may be unwelcome and uncomfortable. 

The vacillating feelings for parents and teens can include:

Anxiety

Even positive transitions, like going to college, are stressful and can lead to anxiety.  It’s easy to be anxious when you wonder if your teen is “ready to fly.”  Will they get good grades?  Will they make friends easily?  Will they be homesick?  Who will be there to give support? Some anxiety is normal.  Too much is paralyzing and can get in the way of letting young adults go gracefully.  Teens, whether they admit it or not, are wondering about the same things as their parents, and more! Too much anxiety for your teen can immobilize them at the very time they need a high degree of energy. 

If you are a parent, keep in mind how hard you’ve worked to help your child learn the skills of independence.  You taught them to tie their shoes.  You helped them learn to cross the street safely.  You coached them on how to succeed with homework and lessons.  And now it is time for those skills to coalesce.  Your son or daughter will carry your strong foundation with them.  Letting them go gracefully is giving a vote of confidence to your youngster. It is a great way to show you believe your son or daughter is capable and equipped from the training you’ve provided. Think about the reverse.  If you do notlet your young adult fly, are you implying you don’t believe in them?

Resentment

Young adults often start pushing away from parents in early August, several weeks before classes start.  It’s a way of testing out those fledgling wings.  They often want to spend every waking moment with their high school friends before separating to go to various colleges.  They know they are going to miss their friends, so they cling to them.  They know they’re going to leave the comfy parental nest, so they push.  It’s easy for some resentment to creep up for parents who want to enjoy every last precious moment together.  Kids can also get resentful of parents who cling or control all the decisions around college.

Grief

Both of you have barely completed the tension packed marathon of college applications, visits, and decisions.  Did you take a breather yet to rest and sort out your emotions?  It’s a good idea.  With leave taking comes loss.  The whole family is impacted.  Parents who have wrapped much of their time, energy, and self-definition into a child can find this time sad and worrisome.  It’s easy to wonder, “What’s going to fill my life now? Or, how am I going to manage without her/him?”  Siblings also face multiple changes when an older sister or brother leaves.  Couples whose last or only child is leaving will face a transition in their relationship. 

Excitement

The day looms when it all comes together.  It’s going to happen, regardless of how you feel or if you have everything prepared.  So, celebrate and enjoy.  Be present in the moments as they happen.  Be grateful for each other.  Be grateful for each and every day. 

Regardless of how you are feeling, here’s one thing to avoid: blocking out your feelings.  It’s important to grapple with feelings, not deny them.   Find a safe way to express them and safe people to share them with.  Avoid fending off the looming emotions with a frenzy of buying things for college life.

Both you and your teen have many transitions ahead as college begins.  It doesn’t end the day classes begin.  Take good care of yourself.  Encourage your teen to do likewise.  Eat properly.  Get extra sleep.  Take time to relax and exercise.  Do some things you enjoy.  Take time to reflect and ponder. 

Perhaps it’s helpful to come back to the baby bird analogy.  Consider this, if you were a baby bird teetering on the nest, looking at the far away ground below, what would help most—a mama or papa bird saying, “Hold on, honey, I don’t know if your wings are going to hold up, your feathers aren’t really developed yet, be careful!” Or a mama or papa bird who says this, “Oh, my beloved, you have developed such strong wings, go now and enjoy soaring!”

And, baby birds out there, when you’re off flying, remember to send down a thankful chirp or two to that mama or papa bird back in the empty nest.

Last year my son gave me a nifty alarm clock.  This clock projects time and temperature onto the ceiling in bright red numerals.  You need only peek an eye open to know it’s; “time to get up”, or “go ahead and grab a few more winks.”  In moments of greater lucidity, you can note the outside temperature and plan what to wear, all before moving a muscle.

This past week I avoided looking at those red numbers.  Not because I didn’t want to find out the time, rather, I didn’t want to be reminded how blasted hot it was outside!

The New York Times got it right when writer N.R. Kleinfield said the 104 degree heat created, “instant dripping wretchedness.” 

I didn’t like it.  No one did. 

But we got through it, didn’t we?  And, today my delightful clock read a welcoming 67 degrees.  I looked at it with both eyes open and a smile on my face.  With our short weather memory banks, the heat wave almost seems a thing of the past.  Of course, August is around the corner…

We faced something we didn’t like, something quite unpleasant, and we got through it.  And we will again.  How’d we do that?

We found ways to cope.

Some of us jumped in pools, even fully clothed. My creative photographer, Beka Schott of Mod Photography, had the right idea for this week’s cool photo shoot!  Some of us stayed inside with the AC on high.  One of my friends put up a snowy winter screensaver for distraction.  We found ways to get through, to cope.

Coping is all about finding ways to make the best of difficult things.

It’s not just the weather that we need to cope with.  Life is tough at times.  Everyone faces tough times, even our kids.  We assume negative things, like heat, loss of job, illness, accident or death will be stressful to deal with.  We don’t as often consider that even positive changes like starting college, moving to a new bigger place, or welcoming a baby can increase our stress too. 

It’s helpful once in a while to step back from your life and take inventory of your coping skills.  How do you cope?  Do you have a variety of coping strategies to use?

Let’s use the comparison of a well outfitted toolbox.   You need a variety of tools to be effective with repairs.  There’s a lot you can fix with a hammer, set of wrenches, a few screwdrivers, and pliers.  But, if you only had a hammer, you would be out of luck for fixing things that need, say, a wrench.  We need a variety of coping tools to meet life’s challenges.  We need a full toolbox with a generous mix of coping tools for good balance in life.  We’re all different, but balance is a good thing for everyone.

There are hundreds of coping tools that people use.  Many can be put into two categories, either emotionally focused or solution focused.  Take a look at these two types, described below.  Which ones do you tend to use?

When faced with something difficult in life do you:

·       Try to put a positive spin on things?

·       Keep your sense of humor even in a tough situation?

·       Get inspiration from remembering someone who has it worse than you?

·       Do an extra-long workout to feel better? 

These are examples of emotional focused coping tools.  They don’t really change the stressful situation. They change our perception of the situation and/or our emotions.  And that is powerful.  They are especially helpful for those times when we really can’t change the situation we find ourselves in, whether it be hot weather, or severe health diagnosis.  Emotionally focused coping tools help us calm down and get in a better place.

Or,when faced with something difficult do you:

·       Seek out more information about the problem or stress?

·       Make a list of how to attack the problem?

·       Consult with others for solutions?

·       Work to modify your behavior or the situation you are in?

These are examples of solution focused strategies.  They are aimed at changing the situation that is causing the stress.  If you change the situation itself or change your part in the situation, the stress level changes too.  Solution focused strategies are vital to learn and use.

Maybe you do some of both.  That’s actually good for balance, and good for coping.

When we are stressed out our bodies and minds go into hyper drive.  To cope, we first have to settle ourselves down.  Emotional focused strategies help most here.  When we are calm emotionally we are in a better place to use the tools of solution focused strategies for those situations where we can make changes. 

Emotional focused tools and solution focused tools are both positive ways to cope. 

There’s another category too, negative tools.  Think of these as tools that, in the short run, seem to help, but in the long run don’t help at all.  They can even make things worse.  These negative strategies are like cheap tools you might pick up at the five and dime.  Any handyman or handywoman will tell you “buy good quality, not cheap tools.”  Examples of cheap fixes or negative coping tools are: denial, self-medicating by substance abuse, helplessness, or self-blame.  If these are your main coping tools, your toolbox needs an overhaul.

So, take a look at your coping toolbox.  What’s in it?  What tools for coping do you use most? Is it time to discard any useless tools you’ve been holding on to?  Would you benefit from expanding your tool box to include more quality coping tools?

I was headed into the city armed with lively tunes on my headset (playing loudly, I might add) and an unopened New Yorker magazine to enjoy.  I settled in for the morning ride, surrounded by sleepy looking commuters and scanned the magazine for my favorite feature, the cartoons.  I’m sure I blended right in with everyone else until…well, until I violated two of the unwritten social rules of commuting:

1.  Don’t draw undue attention to yourself and

2.  Don’t invade the personal space of those around you.

I felt more than saw that apparently I’d both attracted attention and invaded personal space.   And then I realized what I’d done.  I’d laughed out loud.  Not a huge noisy guffaw, more like a snort, but audible, all the same. 

Did you know it’s actually easier to laugh out loud (without knowing) when one has a headset on?  Well, it is.  And that cartoon hit my funny bone, big time.  I got over my embarrassment soon enough.   But the chuckling stayed with me all day burbling up whenever I thought of that hilarious cartoon. 

I like to laugh.  Do you?

Some people laugh more than others.  Some people hardly laugh at all.  They’ve actually studied how many times a day people laugh and found that adults laugh on average 15 times a day.  Children laugh twice as much.  Different things make different people laugh.  But, humans laugh.  It’s one of the things that set us apart from other creatures. 

 Other than fun, what good is laughter?  We’ve all heard the adage, “Laughter is good medicine.”  And there’s a Yiddish proverb that goes like this:  “What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.”   We know we need soap, especially on these hot humid days of July!  So we must need laughter too. 

 Have you ever thought so seriously about laughter?

 Researchers have.  It’s been known for a long time that laughter helps people cope with the troubles of life.  We’ve even known it helps people deal better with major illnesses, like cancer.  The newest research show that not only is laughter good medicine, it is super good medicine with both immediate and long term benefits for our health and wellbeing.

 Laughter helps us fight disease by balancing our immune systems.

Laughter reduces stress hormones.

Laughter calms us down when we are agitated, angry, or tense.

Laughter increases cells that fight tumors and viruses.

 Laughter can even provide a full body workout.  Yes, it is a form of aerobic exercise.  Researchers estimate 15 minutes on an exercise bike and 100 good laughs produce about the same aerobic benefits.  Think of it, when you laugh you use your diaphragm, your abdomen, and the muscles of your face, legs, and back. 

 Sometimes people have stored up anger, fear, or sadness inside that they find hard to let out. These emotions can cause damage to us when held inside.   Laughter can help release negative emotions without harm and in an easy fashion.   In this way, laughter can be very cathartic.

 Laughter is good for relationships too.   When you laugh with others, it is contagious and can change the mood of a whole room immediately.  Haven’t you been in a tense meeting that is greatly improved by a good laugh?  Or with family members when the mood is going downhill fast and then, someone says something funny, laughter erupts, and the room suddenly feels lighter?  Next time you and your spouse are gearing for a conflict, try laughing together instead of fighting.  You’ll probably find the conflict eases and maybe disappears.

 We naturally laugh when we find things funny.  But we can encourage ourselves to laugh, even when things aren’t so funny.  Remember a funny joke, situation, or story.  Tell it out loud and laugh.   Go to a funny movie or watch a comedian.  Or even, just make yourself start laughing in a forced way.   It’s actually quite funny to do this and the benefits are still present, even when laughter is forced.  Make friends with people who like to laugh.  Spend time with children who are naturals at laughing.

So laugh awhile. 
Out loud. 
Even on the train. 
Put your whole belly into it.  
And then do it again. 

Comfort is a casualty in most hammocks if you want some serious sleep.  But, have you ever tried a yucateca hammacka?  That is, one of the multicolored cotton hammocks from the Yucatan peninsula in Mexico?  These things are amazing.  No other hammock compares.  They take 5 weeks of meticulous hand weaving to produce and come in various sizes from twin to king.  No, I’m not selling them, but one of these yucateca hammackas was my only bed for a whole summer years back while spending a summer in Merida.   I found its airy comfort pure bliss.  I still have it; faded now and very un-glorious looking but it produces instant relaxation for me the moment I climb in.

Do you have anything that makes you relax instantly? 

(I’m not talking about anything that comes in a capsule or bottle.)

How good are you at relaxing? 

Are you good at relaxing?

We lead pretty hectic lives. Even in our down times, like summer, we have full agendas.   If you ask someone, “How’s your summer going?” the most common response is, “It’s busy!” 

Maybe you are just back from a nice vacation, or planning one in a few weeks.  Vacations do provide a change to get away from packed schedules, do something different and have special times.   Vacations are great.   And, have you noticed when people return from vacation they often look different?  They’re calm like, relaxed, and peaceful.  Vacations are good for us because they give us a chance to relax. 

·        Relaxing is good for us. 

·        Relaxing reduces stress levels.

·        Relaxing lowers blood pressure.

·        Relaxing decreases muscle tension

Relaxing involves our bodies and our minds.  We can be sitting in an easy chair looking all relaxed on the outside with our minds not at all relaxed but full of swirling stressful thoughts.  True relaxing is when our body and our mind are freed of tension.  Relaxing is a productive activity to do.  True relaxing is a state of calm for both body and mind.

So, are you wondering how relaxing can be productive if it looks like doing nothing?

Good question.  As strange as it sounds, this “doing nothing” actually produces great benefits.  Take a look at this enticing list of benefits associated with relaxing:

·        Better sleep.

·        Less headaches and pains.

·        Increased ability to concentrate. 

·        Less frustration, anxiety, and anger. 

·        More calm, joy, and peace.

·        Enhanced energy. 

·        Stronger immune system.

·        Improved problem solving.

Vacations are great for relaxing, but they don’t last long enough.

 Summer is great too, but it doesn’t last long enough either! 

Do we have to settle for waiting for summer or a vacation to de-stress and relax?  Actually, that is a prescription for problems.  Our lives are filled with stress.  Too much stress is linked with loads of health problems.  Even our kids these days are showing up with mental backpacks loaded down with stress.  To stay healthy, we need some time each day for relaxing.  We can’t just wait for our vacations to relax.

So, I suggest planning mini mental vacations.  You can take them each day.  You can take them whether you are on the train, at your desk, or at home with family members around.   They’re a simple habit to learn, but a vital one to do.  They belong on everyone’s agenda whether you are under 18 or over 18.

Taking a mini mental vacation goes like this:

CLAIM YOUR MINI-VACATION

Settle yourself down someplace, sitting or standing is fine, just declare it time for a mini vacation and take 1-3 minutes for yourself.  Longer is even better, but 1-3 minutes several times a day will produce benefits.  You don’t have to be alone, but you do need to be able to concentrate on being on your mini-vacation.  Claim the time.  Think of it as a necessity.

BREATHE

Start with taking three deep breaths.  Notice your breathing as you do it.  Breathe slowly, in and out.  Pay attention and think about your breathe going in, filling you up, delivering needed oxygen to your body and brain. 

RELAX AND CALM YOUR MIND

As you continue breathing deeply, empty or calm your mind.  This can be hard to do.  One way to bring on calm is to put on a mental movie of a relaxing memory, like being at the beach listening to the waves.  Stay with the memory or calm thought. Close your eyes if you can or look at something you enjoy in the room.  If stressful thoughts interrupt, replace them with the calm memory or thought.

RELAX AND CALM YOUR MUSCLES

Notice your muscles.  Ease any tension you find by letting your muscles relax.  Many people carry their stress in their neck, shoulders and back.  If you are in a private place, do a few neck rolls or shake out your hands to relax.  Then stand and do some gentle stretching.  Take deep breaths while you stretch.  If you have to stay at a desk you can stretch your legs, roll your ankles, or wrists while remaining seated.

CARRY THE CALM WITH YOU

Keep enjoying the relaxing memory, refreshing breathing, and easing of muscle tension.  When it’s time to return from your mini-vacation, take another deep breath, relax your face muscles, and smile gently.  Notice and enjoy being more calm.  Carry it with you in both your mind and your body as you return from your mini-vacation.

Want to be more productive?  Put mini mental vacations in your schedule each and every day.

 

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-becoming-a-new-parent
Recently, while traveling, I had the joy of visiting a fully pregnant relative. She was so close to delivery, I wondered if I might be called on to assist in an emergency home birth. “Come on now,” you might ask, “What do you mean, fully pregnant?  Pregnant is pregnant.” Yes, you’re technically right, but have you seen a woman about to deliver up close and personal recently? There needs to be some adjective to describe that stage of pregnancy!  

I happen to think pregnancy is an amazing and beautiful time for a woman, and, hopefully, for a couple. When else is growing larger filled with such joy and anticipation? The changes in one’s body as a child grow inside border on miraculous.

It’s not only a huge change for the body; it’s a also huge change for relationships. And it comes at a time when hormones are flitting all over the place, adding what seems some days to be lighter fluid to the mix. The unexpected ups and downs with twists can be like the Soaring Eagle roller coaster at Coney Island, only they last longer than 48 seconds. Try 40 weeks!

And then, it’s over. You are no longer pregnant. Instead, you are a parent.  For the rest of your life.  The changes you’ll face go on and on, and on and on.

A couple often gets a lot of help during late pregnany, and soon after, the baby is born. There are baby showers, baby books and offers of food. That’s all good. The amount of stuff needed for a baby these days far outweighs the little one’s birth weight!  

But what about the help needed for the other stuff? The emotional and relationship stuff we don’t talk about as much? There are challenges for the Mom-to-be, and for the Dad-to-be. Single parents have additional emotional challenges. And let’s not forget the changes and challenges for any siblings, too. There are many questions and concerns that can arise. For example:

·        I’m really excited we’re having a baby…Too bad my partner isn’t.

·        I wonder how my husband can still be attracted to me as I get so big…Is he looking elsewhere?

·        What if something terrible happens during the birth? What if I don’t like being a parent? What if I'm not a good parent?

·         How will we manage to have our special couple relationship when there are three of us?

·         Sleepless nights are driving me insane. Really, I wonder if I’m losing it.

·         This baby is darling, but I’m feeling resentful to have so much extra work and responsibility.

·        My in-laws have a different sense of how to parent; I don’t know how to deal with them.

·        We love the baby, but big sister seems to be having some troubles. What should we do?

·        Now I know the “Baby Blues” are for real. This is serious. And my partner doesn’t get it.

These type of concerns and difficulties are common. Thinking about them is one thing. Talking about them is another. It can be pretty uncomfortable. Uncomfortable enough many avoid it. Sometimes, new parents don’t feel like they should be asking questions that indicate anything less than total excitement over the impending birth or newborn child. They can be concerned that bringing something up and talking about it honestly might result in the very thing they fear coming true or getting worse.

 I’m always glad when couples raise these types of questions with me in counseling. You see, the truth is, talking about something honestly in a committed relationship is usually a good idea.

Talking about things that worry us can lower our fears. Talking about concerns can help us navigate the twists and turns ahead. Talking about things can free us from stress that eats away at our insides.  Talking about things can help us come up with good ideas to problem solve. Talking about things with a loved one can deepen the relationship. 

Positive support and good communication are vital components for a healthy pregnancy and successful adjustment to living with a newborn. Many expectant parents today are not living near close relatives who could offer support. Many new moms and dads have no experience caring for an infant. Many dads wonder about how to be supportive enough to their partner. Many feel isolated and unprepared to meet the challenges ahead. Many could benefit from extra support and a safe place to talk about concerns.

Midwives, doctors and nurses are all good people to raise emotional type questions with. But there's another category of helpers that can provide focused help on just such issues — counselors.  Family/couple counselors are uniquely poised to help expectant couples prepare themselves for the big relationship changes going on and the ones that lie ahead. 

Counseling isn’t just for when you are facing severe problems. It can also be appropriate for when you are facing one of life’s transitions, like the birth of a child. I’m glad our region has many capable counselors, because almost every expectant couple could benefit from a few sessions geared around how best to keep a healthy family during the changes pregnancy and birth bring. 

Sometimes, in addition to normal changes, there are larger concerns, like depression or high anxiety. We know these can impact not only the health of the mom, but the well-being of the baby as well. It’s especially important to seek help if there are larger concerns. 

So, here’s a creative idea for a baby gift for a couple you admire. Why not give them a gift certificate for a few sessions of counseling? Expectant parents could give this to each other as well. It might end up being the longest lasting gift received.

Oh, in case you are wondering, I’m a proud Auntie to a darling new nephew born two days after my visit! I can’t wait to go back and meet him.

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-free-therapy


I asked a few people what Memorial Day means to them.  It seems this bookend of summer is about picnics, family time, fishing, BBQ, and, if you’re lucky, getting out on a boat.  No one mentioned anything about honoring those who served in the military.  No one mentioned going to a cemetery to honor the dead.

Maybe people were doing that sort of remembrance more quietly.  Maybe I didn’t ask enough older people who remember all-out star spangled parades in town and ceremonies at local cemeteries.  

Our country has been involved in many wars.  Military people have given their lives.  They deserve our honor and respect. 

There are thousands of veterans and reservists alive and living among us, as well.  Some are recently returned from Iraq and Afghanistan.  I hope many of them got to go boating and picnicking with their families on Monday too. 

Life isn’t always so jolly for those who return from war.  Sure, it’s better to be out of war zones.   But the adjustments and challenges are huge when you come back.  And they involve not just the service person, but the whole family.  The New York Times reports “One in five service members who have returned from Iraq or Afghanistan report symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder or depression, but little more than half of them have mental health treatment, according to an independent study of United States troops.”

Sadly, mental health treatment is perceived by many to have stigma.   Many returning troops don’t seek this kind of medical treatment because they worry it will impact their careers in a negative way.  I want to tell you about a great program that can help address this problem.  And, then once you know about it, I’m going to ask you to tell at least one military person about it. 

It’s free for military people and free for their families.

It’s available right now, right here in Westchester County (and across the nation).

It’s confidential.  It doesn’t involve an insurance company and it doesn’t involve military records.

And, in case this sounds too good to be true, let me add:  it’s not a hoax or a scam. 

The program is called GIVE AN HOUR.  Give an hour is a non-profit organization that connects licensed mental health professionals willing to give one hour a week of mental health services to military people in need.  Here’s what they say in the Welcome section on their website:

“We understand that individuals who have served in Iraq and Afghanistan--and their families--may need help dealing with the effects of wartime service. We want to help you heal and offer a variety of mental health services to address your needs. We are a nonprofit organization providing free mental health services to U.S. military personnel and loved ones affected by the current conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan. This includes members of the National Guard and Reserves who have not yet deployed. We are offering a range of mental health services in order to address a variety of needs for those of you seeking services. We are also providing links to a variety of resources for military families, including articles that discuss the kinds of difficulties military families encounter and services available from national, state, and local organizations.”  www.GiveAnHour.org

Go to the website and search for a provider in the Scardale 10583 zip code and you’ll see me, Tamera Schreur, Family Therapist, on the list along with four other mental health clinicians, Dr. Andrea Garry, Cindy Hyatt, Cheryl Kessner, and Dr. Rita Smith.  I’m available right now to help someone.  So are the other four clinicians.  And, if you are in another part of the state or country, you can find other clinicians ready to give an hour of their time (each week)! 

Why did we all sign up to do this for free?

Because we care.  Because we know mental health treatment really helps.  It can help keep someone alive.  It can help with depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder.  Family treatment can help with deployment adjustments.  Conjoint treatment can help (married and unmarried) couples face the challenges of life together or apart again.  Child or teen therapy can help reduce the stress faced by the children of military men and women.

Remember, it’s free, confidential, and available right now. Sounds too good to be true, but it’s not.

Now, do your part.  Tell someone you know about Give An Hour.  www.GiveAnHour.org