http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/prescription-friendship

Do you have a close friend? Someone you can talk to about the good and bad parts of your life? Is life better if you have close friends? 

Good questions, don’t you think?

Lots of us move around. It seems about 75 percent of Americans pull up roots and move every five years or so.

Someone told me recently that people often move to Scarsdale when they have young children because the schools are so good and then, they move away when the kids graduate because the taxes are so high. That means a lot of us are facing transitions.

When we load up the moving truck, we don’t get to pack our friends and take them along. No, we have to say goodbye and start over in our new community. There are lots of good ways to stay in touch, especially with today’s technological advances, but the reality is, we say goodbye and things change.

Recent studies show the numbers of Americans who admit they do NOT have someone close enough to talk to about important things is increasing. We are getting more isolated socially when it comes to friendships and confidants. 

Is it worth trying to make new friends and stay in touch with old friends? 

I’ll give it to you straight—the answer is a resounding YES.

Social scientists say friendship produces these attractive benefits:

• Healthier brains
• Longer life
• Faster recovery from illness
• Lower stress levels
• Slower aging process
• Fewer colds
• Improved mental and emotional wellbeing

I believe all that, but let me put it in words that don’t sound quite so much like research results. I’ve been asking people about their friendships and here’s some of the comments I've heard from women, men and even kids.

--When I’m with my best friend, we usually end up laughing together until our sides hurt.

--My best friend has forgiven me for something I did to him, and we have an even deeper connection now.

--I don’t like going to the doctor alone for my cancer treatments, but when my friend comes along, it isn’t as scary. 

-- My best friend doesn’t live near me, but we know each other always, no matter when the last time we were together.

--I know my friend is going to be there for me, no matter how bad my day was…and I can trust them with that bad day.

I’ve been married to my best friend for 7 years.  Sure, we have lots of things we disagree on, but life is full because we have each other.

 Studies are pretty clear that, whether you are a man or a woman, young or old, having at least one close friend will improve your life in more than one way.

I found one study, done by the University of Virginia especially intriguing. The researchers brought subjects to the base of a hill, had the subjects look up at the hill and estimate how steep the hill was. The research project compared people who stood alone at the hill to people who stood with one of their friends at the hill. Guess what? People who stood looking up at a steep hill with a friend perceived the hill to be less steep. Fascinating results!

 To me, this research indicates that with friends, we can better face the hills in our lives.

Today, I’m grateful for friends!

http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/free-but-with-high-value

Have you seen those Family Circus cartoons where Bil Keane shows the meandering path of Billy and Dolly having a multitude of adventures throughout the neighborhood or house? It’s kind of like a family Cirque du Soleil with dotted lines showing all the acrobatic twists and turns.  

Billy and his siblings know how to play. It seems they spend time doing it every day.

How much time do your children get to play like Billy?

 I often hear comments around Scarsdale and Edgemont that indicate our kids are overscheduled. We live in a community where achievement, even among the young, is highly valued. Achievement can mean lessons, tutoring and intense schedules. Focus on achievement is one of the reasons our community turns out so many outstanding young adults.

But how much time do your children get to play like Bil Keane’s characters? If play were a subject, would they get high achievement marks? I’m talking about free play, that unstructured, child-engineered, open-ended kind of time that many of us remember from our own childhoods when Mom or Dad said, “Go outside now, and play.”

Focus on free play is making a resurgence, and with good reason.

You might groan,“What, you mean, I have to worry about scheduling yet another thing for my child so he/she can be successful?! How am I going to fit that in?” But before you say that, I suggest we take a step back and simply take a look at the value of free play.

If free play was a business, their glossy ad might read like this:

“Want to boost your child’s competitive skills?

Looking to help your child succeed academically and make friends?

Want to ensure your child learns respect, cooperation, and creativity?

TRY FREE PLAY, an easy daily regimen that will delight your child. 

Guaranteed positive results, unmatched by others.

Play helps kids develop skills they can’t get anywhere else.

Free Play is best. Call today for details.”

Sometimes, advertising claims are exaggerated. These claims aren't. Free play is that important!

Most parents trust the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP). Here’s what the AAP advises pediatricians to tell parents about the value of free play:

• Pediatricians can promote free play as a healthy, essential part of childhood. They should recommend that all children are afforded ample, unscheduled, independent, non-screen time to be creative, reflect and decompress. They should emphasize that although parents can certainly monitor play for safety, a large proportion of play should be child-driven rather than adult-directed.
• Pediatricians should emphasize the advantages of active play and discourage parents from the overuse of passive entertainment (e.g., television and computer games).
• Pediatricians should emphasize that active, child-centered play is a time-tested way of producing healthy, fit young bodies.
• Pediatricians can educate families regarding the protective assets and increased resiliency developed through free play and some unscheduled time.
• Pediatricians can reinforce that parents who share unscheduled spontaneous time with their children and play with their children are being wonderfully supportive, nurturing, and productive. 

http://www.aap.org/pressroom/playfinal.pdf

Did you know that the United Nations Higher Commission for Human Rights has declared play is the right of every child?

This right to play was declared largely as a reaction to child labor practices. Our concern in affluent American neighborhoods such as Scarsdale is not that we are putting our kids to work in the coal mines or sewing factories. We have a different set of issues that make it difficult to ensure that children get enough time for spontaneous child-directed play. 

We’re simply too busy doing something else!

As you make summer plans for your family, why not consider scheduling plenty of free time for play? Put it on the calendar to ensure it happens! With nicer weather, bring back the outdoor world of childhood play. Let your child play in a free form, unstructured way on their own, and also with other children. That’s play away from video games, television screens and the Wii. 

Did you catch AAP’s focus on how free play helps kids be more resilient? I recently heard a pediatrician say today’s highly scheduled kids are showing up in doctor’s offices with high incidents of anxiety, stress and depression. Play helps protect against those by increasing protective assets that both kids and adults need to do well in life. 

So why not play together with your children each week as well? Schedule time to go to a playground together, take a walk in one of our great nature parks or make up a puppet show or silly game. Let your child guide the play and follow along. Laugh together. Spend time together with no agenda. Build cherished memories of love and affection shared through play.

It might take a while to get the hang of this if it’s not your usual pattern. Be patient.  Relax and enjoy playing together this summer. Free play comes naturally when you let it unfold.

It will be good for the whole family.

When is the last time you walked 10 miles?
Err….have you EVER walked 10 miles? 

From http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-get-inspired

When a 90 year old person suggests you “take a walk together” the image that comes up for me is this:  a painfully slow amble down a hallway while holding his/her arm en route to the dining room of a nursing home.

Well, try this image on for size:  a ten mile walk from Scarsdale up to the Kensico Dam AND BACK with only two rest stops!  That’s about 20,000 steps and 3-4 hours straight of walking, at a pretty good clip.

Well, Gil Erskine, age 90, did just that last Saturday, along with about 30 others from our community.  He’s at the front of the pack in the above photo, striding out with his walking poles and a huge grin.  And, yes, he’s really 90 years old.  Just so you know, I saw him the day after the walk and he was alive and kicking, still wearing the huge grin.  Way to go, Gil.  And, way to go, to all the other walkers too!

Gil started this walk after hearing his pastor challenge the congregation to “Uncover your mission in life!”  His first thought (then age 89), was, “Well, I guess he’s not talking to me today, I’m too old to have a mission to uncover yet in this life.”  And then, listening further he heard this:  “Everyone has a mission, large or small, young or old.  Find your mission in life by uncovering your passion in life.”

Gil thought, “I like to walk!  And, I like to raise money for good causes!” 

So, he crafted the idea of a hike that would raise money for our local faith communities.  He would invite people from the different houses of worship to sign on, get sponsored, and take a long walk together.  Getting to know each other and become friends, despite differences, would be a natural bonus outcome. 

For the next year he worked closely with community leaders to plan the event.   He organized a trial run followed by the real deal later in 2010.   And then, last Saturday, he led the second annual hike.  He wasn’t sure he would be able to finish it this year.  After all, he is 90!  But finish he did, all ten miles!

We hear a lot about military missions, aerospace missions, business mission statements, etc.  I like hearing about one person’s mission and what was accomplished.  When we put our minds to something that is important to us and work hard, we can accomplish amazing things.  Last year the hike raised $9000  for our local faith communities!  That money funded important projects to help  many people. 

The numbers aren’t in yet this year, but there’s a good chance it’s even higher.  But, it’s not all about money.  Every walker I talked to last Saturday reported feeling good about joining the hike.  Lots of them talked about how great it was to have different faith communities do something together and share a common goal.   New friends were made.   Our community is a better place because of this hike.

Passion:  An unflagging and energetic pursuit of an aim; lively eager interest

Mission:  A task that you consider to be an important duty; a strong inner impulse towards something.

I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty inspired.  Makes me think about my life and what I’m doing.  And what I COULD be doing, right now at this age—AND when I’m older, like Gil!   It galvanizes me to craft goals, both big and small, and go after them with gusto.  It encourages me to remember how important it is to connect my passions in life with my goals. 

I posted about the Hike on Facebook, and got responses from California to Canada telling me they were inspired too. 

How about you? 

 

 

 

 Have the events of the past week shaken you up?

How do we keep our balance when life suddenly shifts?
Published on Scardale Patch
http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/better-balance

It’s easy to get caught up in the details of everyday life.  Children clamor for attention, meals need preparation, work requires focus and, heh, it’s Monday again.  How does time go by so quickly? 

And then, in the midst of such details we hear the news that over 300 people perished in a swath of deadly tornadoes.  We see pictures of shredded homes and indeed, entire communities suddenly destroyed.     One day it’s life as usual and the next it’s life as we’ve never known it.  It is events like these that make us stop and reflect on the bigger picture of life.

We can’t really prepare for such tragedy.  Nor would it be healthy to live waiting for such a natural disaster.    So, how do we keep our balance when this kind of news hits us hard?

One thing we can do is evaluate our lives and try to live as fully as possible.  (That, and help support the victims of disaster, of course.)  Here are five simple but profound ways to add better balance to your life, whether you are a child, teen or adult.  They are all free.  They are all available to people regardless of education or vocation.  And, they work!  Add them to the mix of each day and you will have a healthier life with better balance.

GIVE THANKS.

  A joyful heart is good medicine according to a famous proverb.  Living our lives with an attitude of gratitude is a way to ensure a steady stream of joy.  If you find yourself in a grouchy place, stop, and consider what you have to be thankful for.  There is always a situation that could be worse.
"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow." --Melody Beattie

SHARE THE BEST OF YOU.

Some people shine as amazing examples for others.  The American Red Cross in Westchester County is actually looking for these kinds of heroes right now to honor at their annual event called A Community of Heroes.   They are looking for people of outstanding courage, kindness, and unselfish character who have done something to make Westchester County a better place for the rest of us.  I’m sure it will be a stellar event honoring some incredible people.  Not everyone has that kind of sparkle.  But, I believe everyone has good things about themselves to share with others.  Whether your sparkle is huge or just a spark, share it!    Remember the phrase, “Play it forward?”  How about “Put your best foot forward?”  Both of these embody the idea that it is good to share the best parts of ourselves.

STAND UP FOR WHAT IS RIGHT.

Mark Twain put it this way:  “Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”  I like that quote and can’t say it better.

 

GIVE and GET SUPPORT.

Young children are naturals at getting support.  You know it from their plaintive cries or tugging at your arm that they need something.  We usually grow out of this type of asking.  But who doesn’t need some support even when older?  We all benefit from a natural giving and receiving of support.  It’s really about sharing.  Support comes in many ways.  Right now the folks whose homes were wrecked by tornadoes need our support.   “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have a potential to turn a life around.   It's overwhelming to consider the continuous opportunities there are to make our love felt.”—Leo F. Buscaglia

BELONG

In a culture that features being independent, it is easy to lose track of how important relatedness is.  We are connected as human beings to each other.  We exist in webs of family and friends.  We have networks and communities.  Deepening out connections increases our sense of belonging.  And that creates better balance, for both the good times and the hard times.

 

 

Planning a wedding? There's a hardly talked about, but great investment brides and grooms can make. Even the future King of England knows about it.
Published on Scarsdale Patch
http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-wedding-alert

Are you going to watch the wedding this Friday?  One estimate says 2 billion people worldwide  will be looking on as the royal couple walks down the aisle.  Whether you are interested or not, the media has gone all out to cover these nuptials.  There’s great hope attached to Prince William and Kate Middleton’s upcoming marriage.  They do seem like a charming couple.  We want them to be happy.  We want them to get along.  We want them to stay married. 

A worrisome edge is there, of course.  When Princess Diana and Charles married 30 years ago, the pre-wedding emotion was one of hopefulness too.  We know, in hindsight, how quickly that hope was dashed.   Will it be different for Wills and Kate? 

I read that William and Kate already had marriage counseling.  You can find that out too if you google it, although the fact is buried under layers of popular media details like:  Why isn’t William going to wear a ring?  What will Kate’s dress be like?  Will Elton John sing at the ceremony?

Say what?  Marriage counseling before you get married?  I know, most people think the order goes like this:  love, wedding, marriage troubles and then marriage counseling.

And, frankly, that is the most common order.  Most people who seek marriage counseling call a therapist well after the wedding and well into marital troubles.  Counseling at this point can still be a powerful force in saving a marriage.  But, when the order is reversed, and there is (premarital) counseling prior to the wedding, a couple’s odds of having a successful marriage are increased. Researcher Scott Stanley found a 31% lower rate of divorce among couples who had counseling before they got married.  That’s an impressive statistic.   

A lot of couples besides William and Kate are planning a wedding this year.   Weddings are a big deal.  But marriage is the bigger deal.  Sometimes we act like the wedding is what it is all about, when, in reality, it is simply one day, albeit a very special one.   

 Premarital counseling can be the best investment a couple makes.   Its effects are much longer lasting than lovely flowers, cake and dresses.  The Mayo Clinic promotes premarital counseling in this way:

Keep in mind that you bring your own values, opinions and personal history into a relationship, and they may not always match your partner's. In addition, many people go into marriage believing it will fulfill their social, financial, sexual and emotional needs — and that's not always the case. By discussing differences and expectations before marriage, you and your partner can better understand and support each other during marriage. Early intervention is important because the risk of divorce is highest early in marriage.

Premarital counseling is about preparing for the marriage, not just the wedding.  This type of specialized counseling works to enrich your relationship and prevent problems down the road.  What does it usually include?

• An assessment inventory of your strengths and compatibility
• Conflict resolution skill building
• Family of origin and personality style discovery
• Skill building in the areas of intimacy, sexuality, and communication
• Exploration of each other’s beliefs, values, and hopes
• Consideration of finances, roles, and social/family expectations

William and Kate went to Dr. Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, and Dr. Richard Chartres, Bishop of London, for their premarital counseling.  Both Chartres and Williams are experienced premarital advisers and in long term marriages themselves.  In addition to members of clergy, couples can seek premarital work from therapists and educators, such as marriage and family therapists, who are uniquely trained to do couple enrichment.

Dr. Williams, who will officiate at the royal wedding, says:

Every marriage is a really big commitment for the people involved.  It’s a life-time commitment.  It’s a commitment that says that, actually, I’m not only prepared to spend the rest of my life with you, but to spend the rest of my life finding out about you.  There’s always going to be more of you to discover.  And if that’s what people are saying to each other in a wedding, that says something very deeply important about what human beings are like.  There’s a mystery, a delight at the heart of human beings, and it’s possible to spend a lifetime and more exploring just that…A marriage is good news because it says something so deep about our humanity.  And it tells us that we can have grounds for hope:  that there are still people around who want to spend their lives with each other, who want to make this great act of generous commitment to one another.  And so, everybody around the world will have some sense of the commitments that are possible. 

Lambeth Palace put out a video of this well-spoken priest talking about the royal wedding and marriage.  Find it here-- http://www.archbishopofcanterbury.org/

So, bravo, William and Kate, for showing us that preparation for marriage, not just the wedding, is important too. 

Published on Scarsdale Patch  http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-wheres-the-onoff-switch-for-feelings
 
Remember this old children’s song?  Barney sang it often on television.

“If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands
If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.”

Barney sang a lot of songs about positive feelings and attitudes.  The thing about Barney was, his focus was pretty one sided.  To Barney life was always happy.  Problem is,  we aren’t always happy.  What are we supposed to do when we are:

·       Sad and we know it?

·       Angry and we know it?

·       Upset and we know it?

·       Worried and we know it?

Do you ever wish your feelings came with an on/off switch?  I know I do.

Imagine how that would be if:  
You find out you’ve lost your job, start feeling depressed, and, click -- turn off the negative feelings and enjoy a great evening with your family.  

You get hurt by criticism from a friend, start feeling upset, and, click – turn off the hurt feelings and move right into planning your next get-together. 

You and your partner get into a fight, you become angry, and, click -- turn off the anger and it’s like it never happened.

Which feelings would you click off most often?  Which feelings would you want to keep turned on?

I think I can guess.   And so can you.

Positive feelings, like joy, happiness, delight, pleasure would get the ON switch.

Negative feelings like sadness, fear, bitterness, insecurity would get the OFF switch.

But wouldn’t that leave us rather one sided as people?  It would be like living in a Disney World happy bubble all the time.  Happy bubble places are fun to visit for Spring Break, but they aren’t real life. 

We all know that life includes both positive and negative feelings.  Rather than focusing on an on/off switch, it is more important to learn to handle the feelings we’d prefer not to have.  Learning this leads to resilience to bounce back from tough times.  When we have resilience, we can cope with times that make us sad, afraid, or worried.  We know we will bounce back.  Joy and pleasure lie ahead.  When we have this kind of emotional health, we recognize our feelings, have control over what we do with them, and cope when the going gets tough.  This is easier said than done, of course.

To get a better handle on feelings (much better than an on/off switch, really) here’s 10 suggestions from the American Psychological Association on how to build resilience to better handle life’s wild mix of feelings.  I think they’re pretty good.

• Make connections. Good relationships with close family members, friends, or others are important.
• Avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems.  You can't change the fact that highly stressful events happen, but you can change how you interpret and respond to these events.
• Accept that change is a part of living.  Certain goals may no longer be attainable as a result of adverse situations.  Accepting circumstances that cannot be changed can help you focus on circumstances that you can alter.
• Move toward your goals.  Develop some realistic goals.  Do something regularly -- even if it seems like a small accomplishment -- that enables you to move toward your goals.
• Take decisive actions.  Act on adverse situations as much as you can. Take decisive actions, rather than detaching completely from problems and stresses and wishing they would just go away.
• Look for opportunities for self-discovery.  People often learn something about themselves and may find that they have grown in some respect as a result of their struggle with loss.
• Nurture a positive view of yourself.  Developing confidence in your ability to solve problems and trusting your instincts helps build resilience.
• Keep things in perspective.  Even when facing very painful events, try to consider the stressful situation in a broader context and keep a long-term perspective. Avoid blowing the event out of proportion.
• Maintain a hopeful outlook.  An optimistic outlook enables you to expect that good things will happen in your life.  Try visualizing what you want, rather than worrying about what you fear.
• Take care of yourself.  Pay attention to your own needs and feelings. Engage in activities that you enjoy and find relaxing.  Exercise regularly. Taking care of yourself helps to keep your mind and body primed to deal with situations that require resilience.
• Additional ways of strengthening resilience may be helpful.  For example, some people write about their deepest thoughts and feelings related to trauma or other stressful events in their life.  Meditation and spiritual practices help some people build connections and restore hope.

Published on Scarsdale Patch: http://patch.com/A-g95B

Signs of spring are transforming our landscape.
How can we bring new color to our lives?

Does your sweetheart ask you what you want for your birthday?  I love the answer 80-year-old Joanna Semel Rose gave her husband this year.  Mrs. Rose, art collector, well known philanthropist, and former chairperson of the Partisan Review, admitted she had a “wild idea” for her birthday gift.   She wanted to see all of her red and white quilts at the same time, and invite everyone in the New York City area to see them too, as her guests.  Isn’t that an interesting tango--a gift for the birthday girl as well as from her?

Turns out, Joanna Rose has 651 of these red and white quilts!   Thinc Design and the American Folk Art Museum, turned Joanna’s wild idea into a phenomenal exhibition at the Park Avenue Armory.  Check it out here:  http://www.folkartmuseum.org/infinitevariety.

Have you had any wild ideas lately?  Something unlikely, abit out there, something out of the box?  Wild ideas usually take us out of our comfort zone.  That can be scary.  Most of us like what is familiar.  Familiar means easy.  Routine.  Convenient, especially when our lives are so busy.  We are creatures of habit.

But, there can be such a thing as too much routine.  Sometimes our comfort zones turn into stuck places or potholes.  We might stay in an unhealthy job or bad relationship, just because it is familiar.  We might keep a troublesome habit going.   We might repeat patterns in a relationship over and over (like nagging or complaining) even though it is destructive. 

Maybe you are in one of those potholes of life, and want to get out of the rut.  We can create change in life.  This is change we plan, not just react to.

Why initiate change?  Why consider stepping into a wild idea now and then?  Because change produces growth.  And growth in our lives is a great thing.  Growth can enhance our relationships and sense of who we are. Benjamin Franklin described change this way, “Without continual growth and progress, such words as improvement, achievement, and success have no meaning.”  

Experiencing positive change is like watching tight bud unfold into a lovely blossom. Growth can make our lives more satisfying and beautiful.  No matter how old we are, we can still grow.  Even small change over time can make a dramatic difference.   In fact, as a therapist, I often counsel people to work on making small changes that they can keep in place rather than tackling a huge change that is overwhelming. 

We can make positive change in many areas:

·        Relationships

·        Motivation

·        Perception and attitudes

·        Habits

·        Goals and plans

A little aside is in order:  when I suggest acting on a wild idea, I’m not talking about doing something destructive to yourself or to your family.  If speeding 100 miles an hour, stepping out on your spouse or spending beyond your means comes to mind, well, let your thinking shift to another direction.  Joanna Rose’s wild idea was something that pleased her and benefited others.  Go in a positive direction, okay?

Change brings us to new places.  The unknown is scary.  Stepping outside our comfort zones creates tension.  We often fear loss when we consider change.  Even when we start to change, we often feel like we should change back.  Others might want us to change back so things can be the same again.  Being aware of this tension helps you get past it rather than stuck in it.  Expect a mix of feelings.  Line up support when you make a significant change.  Keep the big picture in mind to help you get through each step in the process.

Oh, and, Happy 80th, Joanna!  Thanks for your wild idea!

Published on Scarsdale Patch
http://scarsdale.patch.com/articles/e-motion-the-power-of-caring


This week I’m compelled to write about suicide.  More specifically, I want to stand up and say that we can prevent suicide.  We exist in networks with other people.  Our family, neighborhood, village, workplace, faith community and school are places where we interact with others.  Ideally, our networks are places for us to know, care, and help each other.  They are places to find community.  But that doesn’t always happen.

We might work with someone every day but be like strangers.

We might pass someone in the hall and say "heh," but have no idea how that person is feeling.

That person might be considering suicide.  We might not even notice.

Many people have thoughts of suicide when they are hurting deeply.  Most people who consider suicide find a way to go on with their life, often by receiving the support of family, friends, and professionals.  Some people in crisis do not find a way to go on.  The thoughts of suicide don’t go away.  A tragic ending is the result.  Usually people in this situation do not want to end their lives-- they want to end their pain.  They view suicide as a way to solve the problem of their pain.

I have talked with many people considering suicide in my work as a mental health professional.  Some were younger than age 10.  Some were older than age 60.  They were men, women, teens and children.   I’ve known educated, intelligent, capable and strong people, who had thoughts of ending their lives.  Yes, you read that last line correctly.  Anyone can have a time of extreme crisis in their life when thought processes are not operating in healthy ways and suicide is considered.  Feelings of isolation are common among those at risk of suicide.  In times of crisis, a caring and supportive person can make the difference between life and death.  You might be that person for someone.
·        In the United States, suicide rates go up in the spring.
·        Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death in young people ages 15-24.
·        Suicide is the 4th leading cause of death in people ages 18-65.
·        Suicide is the 5th leading cause of death in children ages 5-14.
·        Every 15 minutes someone dies by suicide in the United States

When someone dies by suicide, the pain for surviving family and friends is heart wrenching.  In addition to grief, it can include puzzlement, anger, and intense times of wondering what if.  People often blame themselves for not doing more while the person was alive.  They might even wrongly take responsibility for the death.  The sad fact is, we cannot bring someone who is dead back to life.  The hopeful fact is, we can work together to prevent suicide of someone else.  This is something we can do.  Let’s make prevention a priority in our communities.

So, how do we focus on prevention of suicide?  Here are three things we can all start on:

First:  Know the warning signs

Some people are really good at hiding the fact that they are considering suicide.  But in many, if not most situations, there are warning signs that indicate a person is in crisis.  They include:

·        Feeling hopeless, desperate, or trapped (can’t see a way out, can’t  imagine life getting better)

·        Talking about suicide or threatening to hurt self

·        Withdrawing from friends, family and usual activities

·        High risk behavior or extreme recklessness

·        Marked change in mood

·        Extreme depression

·        Purposelessness (can’t see a reason to keep living or expressing a wish to die)

·        Increased substance use or change in substance used

·        Can’t sleep, eat, work, or play

·        Can’t get control or make the pain go away

·        Uncontrolled anger or revenge

·        Restlessness, anxiety, or extreme agitation

·        Can’t think clearly or can’t make decisions

·        Making a plan (can include getting the means to die, such as pills or gun as well as giving away special possessions)

Second:  Connect and listen

If you see these warning signs, speak up and talk to the person!  Do it even if it feels uncomfortable or strange.  Connect and listen.  Ways to start this type of conversation include saying: “I’ve noticed some differences in you lately.  How are things going?  How’ve you been feeling?”  Or, “How are you doing?  You don’t seem quite like yourself.  Can we grab a cup of coffee/soda together and talk?”

People often think asking someone if they are feeling suicidal or having thoughts of hurting themselves will give them the idea and make it worse.  This is not true.  You can’t make someone feel suicidal by asking.  Asking shows you care.  It can make a person feel less alone and less hopeless.  The person might feel a big sense of relief to talk about it with someone else.  Many people who had suicidal thoughts have said talking with someone stopped them from a suicide attempt.  A caring human exchange has great power.

It can be awkward to ask, but it can save a life.  Ask gently, but ask clearly with words such as, “Are you feeling so badly that you have thoughts about hurting yourself?”  If the answer is “no”, great.   If the answer is “yes”, professional help is needed.  Continue your connection and listening.  Don’t leave the person alone.  Take the situation seriously.  Don’t promise to keep things secret.  (Note: this is especially important for teenagers to be aware of.)  A life is at stake.  Get help immediately from a trained professional who knows how to continue evaluating the risk and take the needed steps to keep a suicidal people safe. 

Third:  Know how to get help

Call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room if the crisis is acute.

Call a suicide hotline, like 1-800-273-TALK to connect immediately to a trained specialist at a local crisis center.  Hotlines are for people considering suicide or people concerned about someone else.  The call is confidential and free.  Why not put 1-800-273-TALK into your phone contact list after you are done reading this article and forward this article to others?   It might save a life.

 Let’s work together to excel as a community that cares.

If you’d like to read further on suicide prevention, or find a mental health professional, online resources include:

http://www.afsp.org  The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org  National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

http://www.therapistlocator.net  or http://www.therapists.psychologytoday.com to find a qualified mental health professional in your area.

 http://www.whatadifference.samhsa.gov  for people dealing with mental illness and their friends

Published in Scarsdale Patch News March 30, 2011

The sun finally came out!  We were desperate for some good outdoor exercise.  So we got on our bikes and rode north on the Bronx River bike path.  Mind you, we were wearing winter gear for this spring ride, as it was only 42 degrees.  But, heh, we’d liberated our bikes from their winter storage, and we felt liberated too.  It’s a pretty nice ride along the river, if you tune out the cars rushing by alongside. 

We cruised along, felt carefree and almost silly with spring delights.

We ended up in Valhalla facing the immense Kensico stone dam and reservoir, a water source for New York City.  And there it was, in startling counterpoint to the dam, a lofty 80 foot steel memorial to Westchester victims of September 11, swaying slightly in the wind.  The eye catching monument, “The Rising,” memorializes the 112 people of Westchester County who died.  You can literally walk into the heart of this shimmering memorial.  I think its creator, Frederic Schwartz, intended just that kind of connection for visitors.  Really, you don’t just view this memorial-- you experience it.  If you haven’t been there yet, it’s worth a trip, by bike or by car.  Take the kids and grandparents.  Uncles and aunts too.

At first, I resisted stopping my bike to take a closer look.  I didn’t want to lose the invigoration of my bike ride to focus on tragedy, terrorism and death.  I thought I would cruise right on by and think of it as a cool sculpture.  I wanted to block out the negative reason for its existence.  But I did stop.  And I was inspired.  Invigorated even.  You see, all around the base of this sculpture are quotations about life, and love, and meaning.  Each victim’s family was invited to add text about their loved one to be forever etched in granite.  I’ve read (and heard read) lists of the September 11 victims’ names, but I’ve never experienced the intimacy these quotes provided.  They gave me entrée into how the people lived, what they cared about, and why they were loved.  The New York Times said of this monument, “This strange, shimmering tower, which aims skyward and lifts the heart with it, seems likely to be simultaneously a place for solemn remembrance and a source of delight. That’s a paradox, but one we will be only too glad to puzzle over.” 

 Here’s text from one stone that moved me deeply:

Alan W. Friedlander

 April 23, 1949 – September 11, 2001

Always loving.

Always caring.

Always giving.

Always sharing.

I would have liked to meet Allan.  I don’t know anything about his profession, how much money he made or what size house he had, but I can tell from the inscription, he left a great legacy. 

How do you want to be remembered?   Most of us prefer not to think too much about our death.  But, now and then, it is good to step back and do an aerial inventory of our lives.  What do I value?  What is important to me?  Is my life reflecting these values?  What would people say about me if I died suddenly? 

Questions like these don’t have to be macabre.  They can serve as a catalyst to get our daily lives in line with our life’s values.  Thinking about them can help us live intentionally.  It makes sense, doesn’t it, to have what you view as most important show up clearly in how you live?   Steven Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People suggests we consider beginning with the end in mind.

So, what do you want to be when you grow up? That question may appear a little trite, but think about it for a moment. Are you--right now--who you want to be, what you dreamed you'd be, doing what you always wanted to do? Be honest. Sometimes people find themselves achieving victories that are empty--successes that have come at the expense of things that were far more valuable to them. If your ladder is not leaning against the right wall, every step you take gets you to the wrong place faster.

Here’s another inspiring tribute from the monument:

Ronald Bucca

September 11, 2001

Family man, friend, fireman, soldier, nurse.

An ordinary man

who lived an extraordinary life. 

Our Love.

We build our life legacies each day.  It’s Emily Dickinson who said, “Forever is composed of nows.”  Visiting the memorial inspired me to act each day like I want to be remembered.  Most of us are ordinary people.  Let the memory of Ronald and Allen invigorate you to make your ordinary life one that includes an extraordinary legacy of loving, caring, giving, and sharing.

For further information on the memorial, visit http://www.schwartzarch.com/projects/westchester_memorial.html

Tamera Schreur is a internationally experienced psychotherapist with a new practice in Scarsdale, NY serving individuals, couples and families. She has 20 years of experience helping people build stronger relationships and better lives.  Visit her website at:  http://www.FamilyTherapyInWestchester.com